To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

The op cares about her children and loves them. You can't take that away from her she is a mother with feelings and emotions. She has every right to express herself. They made a choice to lie about their private ceremony now they have to face the consequences.

OP I’d be shocked and sad too.

however I can see why they did it. An estranged family, the cost, organising people to fly over, the fuss.

don’t cut them off or do anything you regret as that will cause you more pain - take a deep breath and maybe read the Let Them book which is everywhere at the moment

But they didn’t “snub” them. They didn’t invite anyone. That’s what an elopement is.

She has other children who can take care of her or other family. You don't know the family dynamics. You can be a walkover all your life and still end up on your own.

No idea what you're on about.

Yes. I think the focus on the nuclear relationship and the exclusion of anyone else is an unhealthy development in this country. A lot of families have loving and caring members in the extended family, but they are excluded for not clear reasons in many cases.

It can end with people being isolated later in life. Marriages can end, and support from people who care is essential. The exclusion of all others we see on MN and keeping people away from weddings and babies (generally, not just this thread) is just so bizarre to those of us from other cultures.

Abusive and intrusive parents exist. But they are not the majority.

The only ‘consequences’ demonstrated so far are that the DS almost certainly put down the phone having been convinced of the rightness of their decision not to invite his mother, or to tell her in advance about their plans.

Their wedding - their choice! Why spend £1000's on one day when they could spend it on a house and things that will give them a nicer life

You're being very selfish - it's their choice not yours

So rather than trying to avoid this doesn’t cause a permanent rift, OP should make things as difficult as possible for her son and his wife, just to make sure they “face the consequences” of a decision that was entirely theirs to make?

You sound like a total drama queen with zero self-awareness. These sort of histrionics are exactly the kind of thing that would drive OP’s son further away.

I can see why he didn't tell you. You took HIS happy news and what was probably the best day of his life up until this point and made it all about you. Turning on the waterworks was a really awful thing to do as is trying to get the family on side. It's not going to achieve anything, it's not going to make them unmarried. All you are doing is risking pushing him away. You must know that right?
It's fabulous that they married in exactly the way they wanted. What a shame you tarnished their memory of it

This exactly.

You’ve made it about you. Plain and simple. You can be upset all you want, disappointed, whatever, but telling him and crying down the phone when he called to tell you - and was happy - was a very selfish reaction. You’ve made their happy news about your feelings and everyone rushing to defend your honour. A huge family drama.

No wonder they wanted ti do it alone, just the two of them, where the focus would remain on them and their happiness together. I’d have eloped without you all as well.

You can have a loving family and good relationships with them and ALSO want an elopement with no guests. The two aren’t mutually exclusive

I would be disappointed but I hope I would conceal it. It's their decision and their day to spend how they please, not ours.

Reminds me of a friend of mine who completely lost her shit when her son introduced his new girlfriend to his aunt/uncle before his mum/dad. They lived nearby, whereas his parents lived about 400 miles away!

This. We’re very fond of, and close to, both our families, but chose to get married alone, bar two witnesses, because it suited us far better. It hasn’t had any impact on family relationships.

I eloped and it wasn't because I was 'snubbing' my parents. TBH it was largely to avoid the drama that I knew would ensue if I invited them (long backstory of divorced parents, multiple step-parents and siblings etc etc). I wanted a drama-free day that was just mine and my husband's, and didn't want to spend loads of money, that's all.

You need to apologise. You have other kids who will have the big wedding and you can have your day as mother of the bride/groom then.

Omg @Knju i cant believe so many people think you are being unreasonable.
this is ridiculous. I cant even begin to explain how wrong was he!
he could do whatever he wanted but at least communicate! Say u dont want anyone there and you dont want the wedding etc, his choice fair enough but at the end of the day parents could treat them to a nice dinner at some point afterwards, or to a dinner at home to share their happiness. What is wrong with him and all the people claiming hes done nothing wrong..
shocking. I really feel for you op, and wish you can all find some middle ground and move on from this eventually.

Here I feel there’s a sense of internalised misogyny, defensiveness, reluctance toward traditional weddings, and a tendency to suppress emotional expression, avoiding honest and open conversations, prioritising individual independence over genuine communication.

We did this. It was perfect for us. Neither my DM or DMIL minded at all - or not that they let on to us - and we continued to have very close relationships with both of them.
We didn't get a wedding present from either set of parents, but we didn't expect one either.
In our case, I had other siblings who I knew would go down the big wedding route, and my BIL had had 3 weddings!

I do agree that this is an issue, but this is one day. There's clearly complex dynamics on both sides, step families (perhaps OP and her DS are not on the same page here), estrangement, distance. Keeping one day private isn't the same as excluding extended family forever. Part of having close relationships as adults is being understanding of why other people make the choices they do.

She has every right to express herself. They made a choice to lie about their private ceremony now they have to face the consequences.

Hmmm, I expect the consequences will probably be both of them agreeing that the OP is self-absorbed, volatile and best kept on a 'need to know' basis in future as a result of her reaction on the phone!

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed'

He didn't put down the phone. He knew she would react badly to the news.

You could ask them do they want to have a big family and friends party. They might not even want that so maybe you need to be prepared for the newly weds to say no. I am sure they would agree to a splendid meal out somewhere with you both.

People saying the secret is the issue, or communication should have happened prior. If the son called OP and let her know “we are getting married in a week with no one there, this is our choice” do you expect she would be any less upset? The son clearly anticipated the disappointment and correctly assumed OP would make the suggestions she did about attending but keeping it small.

DS wanted no debate or to be brow beaten into a change of plans, or any heavy feelings hanging over their day. The secret was the correct choice to ensure the focus on their day could be on the couple and what they wanted.

Are you suggesting the OP’s son is suffering from internalised misogyny?

It shows how much she loves her son by wanting to be there. They would be foolish to walk away from the op.