To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

Not that she is "unimportant". Just less important than his wife. Which is as it should be.

Completely agree. If she decided to be offended and tell herself she's unimportant, that's up to her.

Spouses become number one priority and then eventually any subsequent children. They are more important than licking a self indulgent overbearing mummies wounds.

Cut him out of your will. Two can play at that game

What he is conveying is that it was more important to him that he married the way he wanted. Her reaction has confirmed to him that he was right not to tell her or to invite her, because of the wailing down the phone and the likely attempts to persuade him into something much bigger than he wanted.

We pointed out to our families that it had never been a matter of a choice between ‘white dress, cake, bridesmaids, church, guests, reception, speeches, meal, dancing’ and ‘jeans, register, office, followed by lunch with our witnesses’. It was either the latter or not ever getting married.

But he doesn't expect an inheritance. Where does it say that in the OP's posts.
Really. Stop making shit up.

You are not unreasonable for being upset. Can you organise a meal out to celebrate? Try not to let this cause a rift with a son you said you have previously been so close to.

We never told anyone when we got married, we did have family there as we organised the event under other circumstances, however a lot of my partners family didn't come as they didn't think the event was that important...in laws were fuming when they realised it wasn't just what they thought and said they other family would have definitely come if they had known it was a wedding. This was exactly the reason why we didn't tell anyone as didn't want people just coming because it was expected they attend and I knew MIL would want to invite loads of people (her friends basically).

What is the op apologising for?
For her son not telling her or for her not being invited?

Think op truely believes those 10 years mean he owes her his number one spot forever.

Instead she seems to of raised a lovely gentlemen, somehow and is now super mad about it.

As long as she remains 'well away', especially when they want something!

Leave it to his children.

For sobbing down the phone and turning what should be his celebration into a drama. Overshadowing his day. Making it all about her.

I mean after this reaction I doubt ops going to be needing to worry about calls for babysitting and the likes once children arrive 😂

Its what they wanted and their choice. Take them out for a slap up meal to celebrate with a few family members. Don't make a drama out of it or it will put him off phoning again with his news in the future.

Wish I’d done this, when I suggested it I was told it would break my Grandad’s heart so had the wedding I didn’t want. If mine did this I would be happy for them, you should try to me too even if it’s harder for you.

Don't be silly.

If it's a game, then the son and DIL can stop the OP from having any contact with possible grandchildren. Or provide care for the OP in her older years.

Now can you see how daft your proposal sounds?

Sheesh.

For 10 years it was just the two of you. Your son was 'miserable' and 'difficult to be around' (according to his mother and his siblings) before he met this woman and you were always worrying and 'picking up the pieces'. His stepfather is storming around furious because he is selfish. His mother, who does not hold back on her emotions, feels resentful that she should have had more acknowledgement for 'picking up the pieces' before he found love and happiness with another woman... Honestly sounds like some individual therapy would help you work through some of these dynamics OP. In the meantime, I would apologise for losing my shit, say you are feeling shocked and confused but most importantly happy that they have found each other and you wish them nothing but love.

Op I am.estranged from my family. I didn't want a big wedding as it only highlights the facts that I am estranged from my family. Even now at Christmas etc, I am very conscious of not having "my side" of a family.

A few phrases stand out from your posts.

About you and your family, and your view of the wedding:

it all felt full of weak reasons really [his explanation]

I have never been one to conceal my feelings

I don't think it's realistic of me to just react with platitudes

No one in this house holds back really...

About his wife:

she is sometimes difficult to read though, she's polite but doesn't really share a lot.

I was all ready to make her part of our family but she seems to like to keep us at arms length.

Your son has obviously chosen someone with a quite different approach to emotions than the one he was brought up with. This naturally means there are going to be differences in the way their relationships work - both their relationship with one another and their joint one with you as a family - compared to how you do things. Maybe the fact that your son has chosen someone so different suggests that maybe he’s not as comfortable with the “nobody holds back” approach as you are? We all have emotions and reactions to certain situations and behaviour, but not every thought that goes through our minds has to come out of our mouths.

It sounds to me like your son and his wife knew that, if they’d told you about any of this beforehand, everyone - you, your husband, your other children - would have had an opinion, and not been shy expressing it. Sometimes the best way to make sure a decision is yours and yours alone is to keep it private until it’s made.

I do understand why you’re upset and disappointed. Of course it’s not unnatural to want to be part of your child’s wedding day. But you have two choices now. You can either accept that it’s happened and be part of the rest of his life, or you can have the big drama where everyone chimes in - which might just be the confirmation they need that they did exactly the right thing.

I just wish this new improved version of my son could be bothered with me a bit more

It's not about you though. It's their wedding. His wedding to her. You're not the point of it. I 100% understand feeling disappointed or sad that you didn't get to be there, that's not unreasonable, but it's massively unreasonable to take this as a slight towards you or a lack of thought for you - it simply isn't about you at all. Your disappointment and sadness is a byproduct and one which he has no obligation to fix or apologise for.

And what do his other siblings say? You say two of them gave you pause, which implies there are others?

Does the op want to look after any future dysfunctional offspring?

YAB really U.

I can see why they ran off and did it alone.

It’s not about you.

You've soooo missed the point of my post.

You really don’t understand it do you!

Don’t you think it’s the son and daughter in law who should take the OP and her husband out to apologise for snubbing them?
I do.