To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

It comes down to what you think a wedding is for, in my opinion. If you are of the camp that the wedding is completely all about the couple, it’s their day, what they want is the only thing that matters then you are being unreasonable. This seems to be a popular view on Mumsnet and a more modern, 21st century view especially as couples increasingly tend to pay for their own weddings.

If you hold the more traditional view that weddings are about family and friends celebrating, two families coming together and that the parents of the couple matter in the day or are even the hosts of the wedding, then this would feel like a devastating snub.

🙄 it’s absolutely nothing to do with what the relationship is like. If a family is genuinely a loving and supportive group surely they respect and support each other’s chosen paths and differences. Having a parent who’d kick off or disown me if I eloped would give me even MORE reason to do it in secret, not less. That’s not closeness in my book, that’s browbeating your offspring into performing “faaaamily” like you’re Phil Mitchell. It’s such a toxic attitude to hold this “you owe me for raising you” threat over your children. They’re not sims, they’re independent adults with their own preferences and worldviews.

Some people learn that they need to handle families and family members. Unfortunately OP, you are one of the family members your son and his wife have learned that they need to handle. Rather than being able to tell you in advance they know that you are likely to kick off, so they have to tell you after the event.
Unfortunately your reaction has just proved them to be correct. By sobbing and making it all about you, you have shown that this is the right way to handle things.

I would phone, apologise, calm down. Otherwise when there are other life events expect to be handled in the same way

I can see why you’re disappointed but it’s their wedding and their choice. You need to apologise and try and move on from this because it’s done, you can’t change that. You can hope to experience the whole wedding she bang with the other siblings if they choose to have one.
For perspective, there was a friend whose brother did a wedding like this because that’s what his fiancée wanted. The family were not happy but felts that’s their choice. When my friend got married, she had all the bells and whistles. The whole wedding thing. This actually made her SIL jealous. It was as if there was a switch, she wished she’d done the same thing. Now she’s planning to have a ‘vow renewal’ so she can celebrate but no one in the family cares now really.

My parents eloped like this, for no particular reason other than they didn’t want a “Do” and managing other peoples expectations of a wedding.
They had the happiest of marriages.

You’re not unreasonable to be disappointed but you need to apologise and move on. Phone back, explain it was a shock and wish them well. Offer to pay for a family meal out if you’d like to mark the occasion.

Then have a trawl through here of posts of wedding planning causing debt, family fall outs and stress and think yourself lucky!

It's painfully obvious why your son did not want you there.

Your son and his wife are so sensible.

Weddings are a waste of time and money.

We did exactly the same.

Does that mean the op owes them nothing going forward?
I think the op needs to focus on herself and build a life outside of being a mother. Women selflessly bring up their children give them their all and then told to fuck off after, until they need you for something. Before that day arrives your egocentric, controlling and manipulative.

Op I beg you get yourself a life, so when the day comes, and they knock on your door asking you to do something, you can tell them you are busy and have made plans.

@MangshorJhol so glad someone has said it. When I read the "gratitude" line, I was flabbergasted. People seem to forget that giving birth to someone is their choice. The child cannot owe gratitude for being born, what kind of bonkers logic is that? Even worse, demanding gratitude for bringing up the child - that is LITERALLY someone's job as a parent! Even the actual law has certain demands on what parents must absolutely do! Honestly I despair.

If this is how the family respond, I would be glad as the new dil to be well away from it tbh.

I think you should be proud that your son is a man who cares about his partner's feelings and stands up for her even when she is willing to put him and his family first.

Can you not see how painful it could have been for her to only have your family there, given the situation with her family? But if you'd known, you would have pushed them to prioritise it being a nice day for you, over it being a nice day for her.

He's absolutely right, the people who are important to her are no less important than the people who are important to him just because his are related by blood and hers are not. So then it does become a question of big, expensive, wedding Vs no-one there, and unless they have lots of money to spare, saving the money for a life together is absolutely the wise decision (something else to be proud of).

It's normal to privately feel disappointed, it's not normal to make your child feel bad for making the right decision for them.

My parents did the same and my grandfather paid for their wedding after. My mum didn't say no.

I did this and my mum got really annoyed. I just really didn't want anyone there other than DH and DC. Her reaction stressed me out a lot.

Also OP, it's not personal. Her family weren't there either.

I understand that you're upset but they did what they wanted so you need to get over it. Just celebrate their marriage. Don't potentially ruin your relationship with them because you didn't get what you wanted.

You're not unreasonable to be sad about it - I would be too, I think it's natural to want to be included in things like this - but he's also not unreasonable to have done things like this.

I would give him a call, or send him a message, apologising for the tears and say that you're so happy for them both, it was just a bit of a shock. Ask if you can take them out for a nice meal to celebrate.

I don't think people should hide emotions from others. Emotions are not bad things. But I do think that we should acknowledge them, not use them as an excuse for bad behaviour, and apologise where necessary.

Way to make it all about you OP

poor lad just rang you with some really exciting news and you’ve cried and shouted at him. All he wanted was a ‘congratulations I’m so happy for you both’ and now he has to worry about your reaction

Absolutely this. Looks like you've brought up a fabulous young man give him a call. Say your reaction was a just shock take them out for a lovely celebration meal X

It's not about you, you're only considering your own feelings here. It's fine to feel however you do but it's another thing to put that onto someone else. You should've congratulated him and asked when you can take them out for a fancy dinner to celebrate, he will never forget your reaction to him getting married. Quite sad but you can make amends.

Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there...

This is weird - let them have their moment.

It isn’t a case of blackmailing her son as you well know but if the son has just basically conveyed to his mother that she is so unimportant to him in the way that he did why should he expect to receive inheritance from the very woman he has snubbed?

I think a lot of people put off getting married because whilst they want to be married they don't want a "wedding". You don't just want you to have been at the wedding but his stepfather and his adult siblings too. He maybe felt the list would get longer and the list of things he "had" to have like cake, photographer bridesmaids would grow if you got involved. I think it's a shame you are sad not congratulating him and celebrating.

You sound like my MIL. DH and I had planned to marry just the two of us in Vegas, partly because our families lived on two different continents, and partly because I have crippling anxiety at being the centre of attention. She really stropped about it, and then started planning behind our backs to fly over and turn up!

Ill-health meant that we had to cancel that and do it locally, so of course had to have them as witnesses after all the fuss, and I had the inevitable panic attack. But at least they got their way.

I can totally understand your hurt, but I don't think it was an appropriate reaction to have toward him - in private/with your friends/partner of course you should talk about your feelings, we all dream about being mother of the bride/groom but you've made his marriage about you. We aren't entitled to these things as parents and I do feel like an apology is needeed

Exactly this.

Why does his wedding "show" his mother she is unimportant. If she was the only person not invited that would be true but this really shouldn't be all about her. She can choose to be a "poor me" about it, but that is a choice and she could make a more positive choice.