To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

That's what we wanted to do for ours. But we did invite parents and siblings as we knew there would be a stink kicked up if we didn't.

So we didn't have the wedding we really wanted and also have the guilt of costing families money while not giving them the wedding they wanted. It's not a lovely feeling and I do wish we had been able to just do it our way and say nothing.

Your son didn't do anything wrong not inviting family to his wedding. It's not a spectator sport really and might not be a reflection on you. (Of course, it might do and that's where a bit of self reflection may come in handy...) I have a DS and while I'd be disappointed if he chose to get married this way, I wouldn't view it as a snub. It's THEIR ceremony, I've had my wedding and I know how it felt having to compromise for other people (who weren't one of the couple)

Well its their, their, their wedding isn’t it.

Or rather it’s their marriage. It sounds like their priority was to be married but they had to say some words and sign some papers in order to be married. Marriage priority, wedding necessary admin.

We did this, many years ago. We didn’t want a fuss or to spend big money. My parents were delighted for us, no issues at all. The in-laws would have preferred the whole wedding shebang, but were generally ok about it. I can understand you being a bit disappointed, but making a huge drama about it is not the way to deal with it if you care about having a good relationship with them going forward.

So you think people should have weddings for other people rather than themselves? People saying “that’s so selfish” like that’s a bad thing? Selfishness when it comes to your own relationship is fine! If more people were selfish and did what they actually wanted there’d be less resentment from people who’ve been steamrollered into people-pleasing.

I don’t think it’s indicative of a healthy loving relationship between mother and adult child if the mother would pull out all this emotional blackmail at not being invited to the singing of marriage papers fwhich some people don’t regard as significant or needing a big event). Family ties based on guilt, obligation and doing things you don’t want to avoid drama sound pretty toxic to me. A healthy, secure and loving relationship is one where the child knows they’re free to make the choices they want and will be respected for that.

As an aside I wonder how all the people who think private weddings are cruel and devastating feel about adult children emigrating? I bet the Venn diagram is a circle!

Oh dear what a mess, I really think you should phone him, apologise, blame the shock, wish him well, tell him you are happy for them both. Take them out for dinner and save your tears for when you are home alone.

You still havnt told anyone you are married?
That’s more self control than I could dream of having 😀

You have answered your own question OP.

Some people are introverts and can't stand the idea of a big day or even anything celebratory at all.

I wish we had done what they have done and I have no issue with my folks it's just we would have had it the way we wanted it instead of the circus it turned into.

Good on them. It sounds as if they're well-suited and they've done what they wanted. And it's sensible, too. They could have ended up spending a huge amount of money on a wedding that would still not please everyone. As it is, they've spent a modest amount on something that has pleased them. More people should so that.

You keep saying no one in your family holds back about their feelings and perhaps you'd like to pause for a while to reflect on whether that has anything to do with your son's secrecy and decision to cut your family out of the event. Letting rip all the time is not an attractive trait. I can imagine that trying to plan a wedding with you expressing yourself freely about their decisions would have been a nightmare. Take your cue from your other children and stop trying to make everything about you and your feelings.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway I love your username!
Possibly I am being unfair but my partner knows how I feel and is happy with how things are. That isn’t me saying it will never happen, I’m just not in a position currently to plan a wedding, I’m still grieving. We’ve been together for a long time so a long engagement isn’t the worst thing 🙂

I mean I think with an attitude of id disinherit them because they got married in a way I don’t like proves everything.

Imagine basically blackmailing your adult child to get married how you want rather than how they want, at zero cost to you, no personal snub as nobody is invited. It’s all ego isn’t it.

Damn right. Thank you. The one day in my actual life that we get to have how we want... we've been together years with kids and just want to make our union official. We don't want to put on a show. Funnily enough the registrar when we viewed, said how beautiful intimate weddings are and her favourite as they're not about the show but TWO people who love one another.
If I'm selfish for marrying how I wish, then it's a title I'll gladly hold. The irony of calling others selfish for not doing what you want

Once when I asked my son alone he said when her brother died her parents said they wished it was her and that just summed up the whole thing really, she hasn't spoken to them since she moved out a couple of weeks after she turned 18. I was all ready to make her part of our family but* she seems to like to keep us at arms length*

Wow, poor girl-I would imagine she's going to be traumatised from that! It's clear to see why she would keep keep people at arms length.

It sounds like a wedding wirh family there would be pretty miserable for her as she sounds like she's from an abusive home. You moved on with your new family - fair enough but its hard to imagine your son wanted that as a child.. Although you feel close to your son what's his relationship really like with his Step Dad and half siblings. I imagine he has some pain from that. The fact Step Dad is not calming you down but is egging you on is quite telling. Look at yourself OP - and support your son or you'll lose him. A small wedding sounds perfect in both their circumstances.

You are not nasty or selfish, you cannot help how you feel. However he is not nasty or selfish, he and his wife did what they thought was right at the time atnd it is done now. Your husband stomping about angry on your behalf is seriously OTT, calm him down. You have to just accept this now and make it up with your son. A wedding is just one day, there is life stretching far ahead. Time to dry your tears and move on.

An attitude like that is precisely why I didn't invite my mum to my wedding. All about her for no real reason beyond control.

You've got to the root of the problem here.

You don't feel important in your son's life any more, even though you gave so much to him and were a huge support before his wife was on the scene.

I wonder if the relationship was a bit codependent?

Could you afford some counselling to process your emotions away from family members?

Either way, you are not unreasonable to be upset, he is not unreasonable to have made that decision.

Has it occurred to you @Knju that having a fractured, estranged family of her own with what sounds like a lot of trauma mixed in, that she might not have been able to get through a day of celebrations with all of you? It would have highlighted what is missing for her. It isn't like they took off and married with all her side present but none of your sons.

You have a window to pull this back and frankly, being able to conceal your feelings at times is an adult necessity, not a character flaw.

Surely it'll be worse if they only find out if one of you were to get seriously ill or die. Then it's going to be compounded by the difficulty of the situation and the long-term lie.

Unless you don't have contact, at least have the guts to be honest about your choice.

I totally glossed over that part as well.

These very much spades a spade people are the sons step father and half siblings. He was 10 or had 10 years of just him and op if I read correctly.

Depending on which there wasn’t going to be much time before he was an adult and moving out from them starting to even enter his life and unless op rushed it all though less time even living together rather than mums boyfriends visiting.

Highly likely not as close or happy as rose tinted glasses put on.

This ego centred, I can do what I want and other people can't complain about it attitude in this thread, is the absolute anti-thesis of how human relationships work.

Behave like this if you want and live with the consequences of it, but most people realise that if you exclude the people closest to you from your most significant events, then you are clearly telling them that they are not so close to you after all, and this will affect how they feel about you and your relationship in the future.

All those going on about how 'real' families care about each other obviously glossed over the wife's family that told her that they wished she had died instead of a sibling. So clearly @Yazzi 's version of a family where everyone is looking out for each other was not the reality of this poor girl. And OP's son is being sensitive to that, and good on him for that.

It's clear from the OP's last reply what has bothered her. That he's found happiness with a new woman (aka not his mum) who seems to have sorted out his 'issues' (both his siblings have pointed that out). So now OP wants a pat on the back for being a good mum earlier, and putting up with him 'to my detriment' (OP's own words). So much for this model of parenting where we celebrate our children having overcome their difficulties, and found love. What OP wants is for the son to express his gratitude to the OP even though it's clearly the wife/then gf who brought him stability.

I cannot fathom a world where I'm asking my children to express their gratitude to be for helping them in their difficult moments. Surely, that's just what one does when one chooses to be a parent? (I would like them to not take advantage or take the piss, but surely it was the OP's job as a parent to be there for her son..)

They eloped. Good for them.

She doesn't have any family she is estranged from them so they could have done something with us without being obligated to invite anyone else.

One would think you might be more sensitive to her feelings in this situation. For someone whose immediate family are either dead or estranged, celebratory events can involve a welter of mixed feelings, not all of them joyful.

I have never been one to conceal my feelings I don't think it's realistic of me to just react with platitudes

I was all ready to make her part of our family but she seems to like to keep us at arms length.

If I were marrying into a family whose overbearing matriarch was the "I have never been one to conceal my feelings" type, I'd probably have as little to do with you as possible.

I've skimmed the OP's posts and don't get the sense she is really taking on board anything that has been said. Best of luck to the happy couple!

Based on your posts, it is quite clear why he wasn’t able to tell you.
I bet it wasn’t that great for him to grow up with his step dad and step siblings. You sound extremely domineering and demanding in your posts. Stop creating conflict and tell that husband of yours to mind his own business.

You are not being unreasonable to feel that way, however as others have said it's his life.
In years to come he may realise how hurtful it was for you, so please don't let it end contact. Just try and support him still in the way only a parent can and I'm sure he will apologise at some point in the future.

"if I knew before they were married that she had been even halfway willing to do something in our town with us there I obviously would have encouraged that!"

I tried to be gentle before but reading the above I'll just say you don't get it, do you? It's not your decision, you'd have no right to meddle, and you'd have no right to encourage your own preferences! A good parent encourages their adult children to do what is best for them.

Reading your latest post about people furious and storming off etc, I can 100% understand why they only got married with just the two of them. Again gently and forever hoping that emotionally immature parents can grow up if they're honest with themselves, you sound emotionally immature, drama queens, quite self absorbed, and overbearing. It's a massive burden for an adult child to constantly feel like they have to navigate drama queen situations, plus an even more massive burden to feel like they need to manage and prioritise your feelings because you're unable to. Please try to do some self reflection. Please do not just double down. I mean the above very kindly and encouragingly, but there's work for you to do, and I hope you choose to do it. Best of luck 💙