To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

My daughter did this and I was delighted for them, didn’t even cross my mind to be disappointed. Wish them luck and support the newly weds.

Yes.. in the context of how her son wants to get married the OP is meaningless. She shouldn't factor into it. Why would she? It's not her wedding.

"You wouldn't be born without me" is something people say to guilt trip their kids, it's ridiculous. Her child is an adult, she doesn't get a front row seat to life anymore. He can share or include her in whatever he sees fit.

Our son has been with his parther for some years. She's lovely. And if they suddenly announced they'd got married, we'd be delighted for them. It's what they want, not what others want. I certainly wouldn't get upset over it.

“If he wanted just him and his DW and some witnesses, fine. But to deliberately exclude him mother from even knowing about it?”

Based on all the op’s posts I have no doubt that the only way they could have made it happen the way it did (ie the way they wanted their wedding) was to not tell his mum about it. She has admitted she would have “encouraged” something a bit bigger at the registry office (at the very least). She clearly wouldn’t have been able to keep her opinions to herself and would have guilt-tripped them with her own feelings about missing out. It’s very clear why they didn’t tell her.

If they had told you about their plan, how would you have reacted and what would you have done?
They wanted a no fuss private wedding and that’s what they had. I can understand you are upset (I would be too) but you need to accept it, move on and be happy for them or you risk the possibility of losing a close relationship with them. I’m saying them because that’s how it is now. Take heed…

OP it is totally normal to feel as you do.
I feel sad for you but you will come to terms with it in time.
Sadly this seems to have become quite commonplace and to me it’s a reflection of how self-centred people have become.
Big hugs.

@Fingeronthebutton

why?

I know that if you have experienced the pain of family estrangement, then taking an action which will cause pain within another family is a wrong choice to make. You have no excuse for doing this as you know how much it hurts.

Being hurt yourself is no defence for spreading out hurt to others.

Can you imagine the drama if they had told her in advance?

It’s fine to be sad about it. It’s not fine to make a huge deal out of it.

The reactions in your house show that you guys wouldn’t of accepted a tiny wedding either. You are making their wedding about you, family’s like that are what make people want to elope.

You can’t blame his bride as he says she would of done it at the register office with you. This is all on your son and you’d be better off being sad but letting it go because right now you are all proving to him he 100% did the right thing.

His happy, his found someone he loves and it would appear to be drama free apart from you guys.

Her family are arsholes clearly and that will of also helped him form the decision he made to not have you there either.

My sibling has already made perfectly clear if they get married it will be witnesses only and any attempt to make it into some more will mean you won’t find out till Facebook knows. They just don’t go into the whole big day thing. It’s just for pure love and legal reasons.

I'm getting married this year. Not eloping but doing this. Not telling anyone, registry job. It's what WE want. I am estranged from my family, partner isn't but like he said, he'd be inviting them for them.. Not cause he feels he needs them there. We don't want a big celebration or to worry about others. Just a lovely chilled day to seal the deal together. People take things far too personally. Them choosing to do it this way, is not a dig at you. They probably didn't even think of your opinion because it isn't about yours. They had the day they wanted and good on them

My uncle got married without telling anyone and I'll never forgive him. It broke my gran's heart.

My brother got married with only parents as witnesses, no guests and no celebration. That was fine by me as the mums got to be there.

If you have a loving relationship with your mother, getting married without telling her is an absolute kick in the gut. If your mother is knobhead then obviously do what you want.

I find it really odd that people are saying, ' They chose the wedding they wanted.' As if this is a defence.

It hurts OP precisely BECAUSE they chose the wedding they wanted. They had a small wedding to which they invited the people who mattered most to them. And OP was not there. That is why it hurts.

OP please just nip this in the bud now so you are not casting a shadow over what should be a happy time for them! However you are feeling, know it wasn't a deliberate act to cut you out so say what you need to say to apologise and blame it on the shock. Follow up with how delighted you are and can't way to see them. I feel for you but I feel for them too, having this happy occasion marred by you being hurt. She will never forgive you if you leave it like this and therefore neither will he. What you do now matters, make it count and set a firm foundation for welcoming her into the family. If the relationship with your son matters, do this. Remember they have been swept up in the romance of it being just the two of them, really, in such a materialistic world you should be proud that they only needed each other for this. You can still make a fuss with arranging your own party for them. Put yourself in their shoes, they felt this would be romantic and everyone would be excited by the surprise announcement, so give them that. It was never about excluding you!

I’m sorry you’re upset because they had the wedding they wanted and not the one you wanted. If you want to maintain a relationship going forward you should apologise and offer to take them out or get them a nice gift. It was quite unpleasant to infer that they felt they had to get married because she was pregnant and in spite on being one of those people that ‘says it like you see it’ you need to consider your longer term relationship with your son. Do you want it to be close? See any future grandkids regularly. Etc.? You need to keep your eye on the prize.

phone him, apologise, say you’re glad he married the woman he chose and you can see they love each other.

So the onus is on the couple to arrange a day that they don’t want because the mother can’t put her own child’s wants and feelings before her own?

I totally disagree, it is not the daughter in law’s responsibility (although it sounds like she offered) to please her mother in law. The son did exactly the right thing and prioritized his wife over his mother, particularly knowing that she would have made it all about her.

The epitome of selfishness.
Me, me, me!

I mean if you can’t be selfish about your own bloody wedding when can you be.

Why should couples have to pay out more money just to keep other people happy. Before the family might help pay, yeah and then 90% the family want some kind of say and before you know, it’s not your wedding. It’s their party.

Well I think it's obvious why he didn't tell you. Would have been months of you telling him off and trying to twist his arm wouldn't it?
You should try to be a little more understanding of her circumstances and why a wedding with his family may have been difficult for her.
DH and I eloped secretly 10 years ago, we still think it was the right choice given our circumstances and the reactions of our families - they would never have been happy with what we wanted.
I can appreciate that you are disappointed, but it's not about you. It isn't your wedding or your life. Try to be glad your DS has the sense not to spaff money on a party he doesn't want.

Me too. As long as I liked her I’d be fine (otherwise I’d just be worried). If my son is happy then I’m happy. Nothing weird or dysfunctional about our dynamics. If he said mum we just wanted a low key, just us thing then I would totally respect it. It does help that I don’t enjoy weddings anyway.

They didn't have "a small wedding to which they invited the people who mattered most" though. They had a private ceremony with no guests.

And that attitude to weddings is why I lived with DH for 20 years and children without getting married, because we would have had to invite his entire family so they wouldn't feel left out, and spent money we really couldn't spare for a day that would have made have made us both stressed and miserable. When we did get married, we were middle-aged with teenage kids and so his family were finally able to see it as the box-ticking legal appointment it had always been to us, and so we didn't have to have a wedding and could just get married.

Absolute rubbish, it didn’t need to cost anything for the OP to attend the ceremony and even if it did it’s his mother ffs.
There is no sense of duty these days, family life is just discarded at will. I would be disinheriting the son as he’s just shown how little his own mum means to him.

It's ok that you feel disappointed but you have handled this terribly.

Poor wife has no family and it's understandable she didn't want a big wedding where her side is noticeably not there.

You need to really apologise for the way you reacted

Is his Dad around? You mentioned Stepdad. Could it have been complicated by him wanting his Dad there? Would you have accepted being there with his Dad & maybe not your current partner? Why is his Stepdad upping the drama and being outraged on your behalf?

Loads of people have come on the thread to say they did the same. Honestly there's a thread on here daily about weddings & hen do dramas. It sounds like they just didn't want all that.

My God, I had read references to OP's updates making her out to be a complete drama llama, but now I have read the updates I can see no relation between what she is saying and the narrative posters have presented about her.

She seems perfectly reasonable and measured to me. She is understandably very upset.but able to talk calmly and reasonably about her feelings.

OP, if you are still reading this, please ignore the ridiculous and harsh comments here. There are people on this thread who love nothing more than to wind themselves and others up to a ridiculous froth.