To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

Yes, totally agree. Your son and his bride decided to have a small wedding, that’s it. You can interpret it as being discarded and are being a martyr. Or you can grow up, regulate your emotions better, accept it, and have a relationship with your son and his wife and be happy for him.

Sounds like to me if your other sons are saying good riddance, the new groom plays the role of scapegoat in your family dance. Maybe he just decided to bow out of this dynamic.

Obviously on MN, everyone would be fine with it 🙄Most people would be upset IRL though.

Still, it's done now. All you can do is move past it x

I did exactly this, my brother did exactly this and guess what- my parents did the same when they got married!
We're all different. Some people see weddings as big events with family and friends, others find that sort of thing difficult.
In my family, we're all shy people. We are quite reserved - we're people who dislike fuss, being the centre of attention and displays of emotion. We also dislike wasting money. For us, a wedding that was a private exchange of vows, worked perfectly.
I do understand why you're upset but please try to understand that this wedding was right for them. Please be happy for them.

yanbu OP. But many people on mumsnet HATE weddings, parties, any kind of social events really so you won’t get much sympathy on here.

I know exactly how it would have felt as I was the bride in that situation. H’s family there but not mine. There is no way in hell I would have even considered agreeing to exclude H’s family because of my family’s dysfunction. It’s a preposterous suggestion. Why double the dysfunction and family alienation and pain?! It makes no sense!

I have already commented earlier in the thread but the more updates you post OP, the more I understand why your son and daughter in law decided to have a quiet wedding.

Your family (husbands and other adult children) seems to love un-necessary drama.

You really need to self-reflect a bit more, start behaving like a grown up and give your son a call to apologise and congratulate him on his wedding.

Then invite them for a lovely dinner to celebrate. If you continue to behave as you are you will open a rift between you and the couple.

So many people commenting are telling you that it was their wedding and their choice, and not about you, and that your son was mindful of his wife not having any family or friends to invite to a big wedding which would have been emotional ly difficult for her.

He sounds like a thoughtful and caring man and I think the rest of your family could learn from that...

@PinkPonyClub25

oh yeah , cos OP is proper meaningless isn’t she?? I mean her son wouldn’t even exist to get married if it wasn’t for her. Have some respect.

Your hurt is understandable. And they haven’t done anything wrong. You do need to find a way to feel your disappointment but also to get over it, so that it doesn’t sour your relationship. I’m sure part of you is so so hurt by this - but can you identify any part of you, however small, that feels happiness and joy for your son, marrying the woman he loves in the way they both wanted? I would really try and find that part, it may be quiet but hold on to it, whilst also allowing the sad part of you to feel whatever she feels.

this will sting less in time ❤️

Well, I love weddings and I love parties so that doesn't always track. I respect people's right to have their wedding in their way. If that's a big party then I'm right there with them but if it's a quiet elopement then I'll send my congratulations and a gift.

I also have difficult dynamics in my own family so I understand why the OP's DIL might find a family wedding painful.

We wanted to elope and didn't due to family pressure and deeply regret this.

Good for them 👏👏👏👏 more couples should do the same.

As a mum to adult sons, I can totally get why you are upset. I would be really upset if either of my two did this, surely any mum would be. It wouldn’t be that I wasn’t there, I would be upset that they didn’t tell me if their plans so I could contribute in some way. They should have waited to tell you in person not over the phone. I am so sorry you have been upset OP

Me and my husband nearly eloped to Gretna! But in the end I felt too bad and we invited close family only. There were 12 of us in the end and it was a lovely day. Its a damn shame that they couldn't do that and although it's their day and all that it will take time for you to get over it. I really feel for you I would be gutted too.

Ugh, I’ve just actually read your latest update.

Your family need to calm the fuck down! You’re blowing this up into something that it doesn’t need to be. Feeding off the rage each other are putting out there. Stop! You will kill your relationship with your son if you keep up this bullshit. Ultimately this is THEIR wedding. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! It’s completely okay to be hurt and need to get over the shock that this has been. But it’s so gross of you all to be so negative and selfish to your son when he is sharing his happy news. Get over yourselves, honestly! Given the wife’s history I can empathise so much with why they made this decision. You really need to stop spiralling into woe is me, my son doesn’t care about me… your son loves you very much. He just wanted to get married quietly with the woman he loves.

I can understand your disappointment but it’s not about you and what you want. They are the ones who get to decide.
A kind gesture would be to ring back and say you’ve had time to get used to it and you’d like to take them out for a meal/ cook them a meal to celebrate and then make a fuss of them( don’t mention your thoughts on the way they have got married).
if you want a relationship with him you need to move on.

There’s no dysfunction on his side! If there’s ‘alienation and pain’, it will be entirely created by the OP’s ‘What about MEEEE?’ responses.

You are of course entitled to your feelings, but please try not to take this personally or as a slight on you.

Weddings are hard when you do not have “the perfect family” myself and DH eloped. We are both introverted, the thought of a traditional wedding made us both uncomfortable.

Though the overriding issue is that 2 members of my immediate family are estranged which is very difficult. My MIL is aware they are estranged but has no knowledge that the last time they were at a family wedding, they ended up in a physical altercation. The thought of a wedding day spent keeping an eye on both of them, worrying how much alcohol had been consumed and if something would trigger a reaction filled me with dread & fear. I would not have had the option not to invite them if I was having other family there and DHs family so please be mindful that you may not be aware of the fuller picture where your DIL is concerned.

It sounds like she offered to have a wedding where your family could be there but your DS didn’t want that for her which shows great care and consideration.

Being estranged or having estrangement in your immediate family is exceptionally hard, weddings, having children, big occasions are all darkened by it. I carry the weight of this in my family & it genuinely affects so much of my life. Having DC makes it’s more challenging, especially when they have questions such as why they see a family member and others do not or why others have people in their life that they don’t so please consider this and realise this is usually not anyone’s choice in life.

Please ask yourself, would you have been happier if they had a day where you would have been involved even if it made them uncomfortable due to wider circumstance or wasn’t what they would have chosen?

I am truly sorry you are upset, I am certain they would not have wanted you to feel this way but sometimes, both outcomes are going to cause upset so you need to pick the one which is less damaging.

They had the wedding THEY wanted, not the wedding you/everyone else wanted for them.

This. The OP sounds completely enmeshed. This is the type of overbearing MIL DILs post about. A boys mummy bathing her way in with her opinion of views at any god given opportunity, then spitting her dummy out when no one wants to take her advice.

Get your beak out of their business OP, it's THEIR wedding. He hasn't 'discarded' you, he has got married and his priorities have changed. It's what happens when kids find their life partner and move on.

You need to get over yourself. The family drama will be the reason why no one was invited. All of you arguing over something that doesn't concern you.

No, no terrible relations here. Just not overbearing and enmeshed like you.
Another who just badges in and expects to be a priority as the 'mother.'

YANBU to be disappointed but expressing "hurt" is taking it too far. Nothing has been done to hurt or spite you. It sounds like your son has been very thoughtful towards his wife - who did actually offer to include you in some way. It can often be good to express your true feelings, but not always. Sometimes you have to think of others, and it would be selfish not to hide them. This was definitely one if those times OP. I wouldn't delay in apologising, organising a gift, and offering to host an intimate celebration. Don't spoil this, any further, for them.

You know how you would have felt. You are one person. You don't know how she would have felt.

YANBU OP I too would be upset if my DS got married and told me afterwards.

Having said that I can see from your further comments why they would not have wanted a big wedding; her family estrangement being the main one. Also, weddings are not at all what they used to be. Spending money on weddings is becoming very unfashionable and I think this kind of thing is a lot more popular now. Both my DCs have said they do not intend to have a big wedding especially my DD actually and I would not be surprised if she and her DP video called from a holiday one day and announced they had got married on the beach!

Its so hard as a Mum to finally come to the realisation that the most important person in your DCs life is not you. I say this really kindly as I put myself in this situation too with my own DCs. It's a natural process and a good thing that they are now loved and love someone else beyond measure but it is very difficult for us as parents to deal with this at times. This is probably one of the best examples of that.

Your DS has prioritised his (now wife's) feelings and desires, and to some degree I'm sure his own above your own feelings and the rest of his family. Actually, this is the right thing - she is the most important person in his life now. I think you have a right to be hurt as we can't help how we feel but I think it would be foolish for these feelings of yours to cause a wedge between you and your DS. He has married the woman he loves without you, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you still.

Arrange to see them and make a big fuss of them and tell them how you are so happy that they are happy.

My brother did this to us. We were just happy for them. When they came home, we all went for a family meal to celebrate and my Mum paid - maybe you could pay for a little gathering too and you can feel part of the celebrations as well as showing them you are happy for them.

The fact that she’s estranged from her family hugely complicated things. It would be awkward for her to have no family present at a wedding & would no doubt bring a complex set of emotions to what is meant to be a happy day. I do however 100% understand your hurt - it must have been a real shock. But it’s best to put a brave face on & move forwards, as realistically the only other option is to fall out with them, which as it’s surrounding their wedding, would be pretty difficult to recover from.

Financially it might not have cost anything but emotionally it might have cost the bride a lot.