Page 25 | To be upset son got married without me there?

Knju · 2025-02-16T21:24:23+00:00

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking. He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up. I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them. I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

2025willbemytime · 17/02/2025 07:38

Knju · 17/02/2025 00:20

An argument has erupted in our house on the topic, everyone has stormed off now. My husband is furious on my behalf and thinks they're selfish etc. Two of his siblings have given me pause as they have been pointing out how miserable he was before he met her, and how difficult he was to spend time with at points and how much I used to worry, which is all true. One of my sons has said I should be grateful he is his wife's problem now! No one in this house holds back really...

I don't debate she is good for him and I'm certainly happy they've decided to make things permanent. I just wish this new improved version of my son could be bothered with me a bit more given I was the one picking up the pieces beforehand. Its hard to feel discarded.

It really is time to stop banging on about what you want and how much you've done for him and think about why he didn't want you there, as he clearly didn't trust you not to try and change his mind. Not to try and guilt trip him...

LuckyDeer · 17/02/2025 07:45

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SapphireOpal · 17/02/2025 07:45

ThejoyofNC · 17/02/2025 06:40

I'd be absolutely outraged at this. So sorry OP.

Outraged? Because your DIL (who is estranged from her own family, making this really difficult for her) and DS got married quietly rather than making a big "family" focussed fuss about it?

You know who the wedding is about, right?

Likewhatever · 17/02/2025 07:48

Either you don't have adult children, or you've had the kind of parenting yourselves that makes you think this is decent behaviour.

I had a secret wedding, my DSis had all the bells and whistles. Same parents, different choices. We’re both still married. We both had great relationships with our parents.

I have adult children with whom I have a very loving relationship. If any or all of them chose to get married without telling us first that would be fine with me. I’m happy with the wonderful people they’ve become, I trust their judgement.

BunnyLake · 17/02/2025 07:50

2025willbemytime · 17/02/2025 07:38

It really is time to stop banging on about what you want and how much you've done for him and think about why he didn't want you there, as he clearly didn't trust you not to try and change his mind. Not to try and guilt trip him...

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The family dynamic sounds very volatile and me, me, me. I think son probably just wants a quiet life with his quiet wife. All this angst and fury, no thank you.

LemonFish · 17/02/2025 07:51

PLEASE READ THIS.

I was very in love with my (now ex-husband). I really, really loved him, and his family were wonderful and inclusive.

But I'm estranged from my own family at 18 (I lived in YMCA's etc before studying science at UoBristol).

We planned to marry but I begged him not to make me do a 'wedding' as my half of the isle would be missing. He pushed it. We did it and invited family I hate to make up the numbers.

No matter how many years we were a couple living together before that (6) I couldn't cope with the trauma of the wedding day, as I felt so alone and unloved.

6 years before marriage -11 months after. The day I told my husband I'd divorce him I said this "you've pleased everyone except me, well done, now I'll divorce you."

Head my words and be pleased your son, at least from my weak perspective, has done right.

Do a second celebration -literally from now you have the ability to do that.

Nameynameynamename · 17/02/2025 07:52

She has no family or friends in the UK and probably would have struggled with a traditional wedding. I think your son did a lovely thing to keep it simple and just for them, even though I'm sure he knew it would upset you, he has prioritised his wife's feelings over yours which I think was the right thing to do. Pleasing everyone would have been impossible by the sounds of things.

biscuitsandbooks · 17/02/2025 07:54

You all sound rather impulsive and volatile - why has a massive argument erupted with everyone "storming off"?

If that's how you all behave normally, I'm not surprised none of you were invited 😬

thebrowncurlycrown · 17/02/2025 07:55

I'm so surprised by the responses you've received OP. I don't have a son, but if one of my daughters went through such a momentous ceremony I would be disappointed too. He has chosen the one to spend the rest of his life with and he couldn't even bother to tell the one who raised him and got him to that point to begin with.

If he didn't want a fuss, he could've just invited parents and siblings only. Instead of two randoms from the hotel. That wouldn't of been a fuss, that's a typical Sunday afternoon with the family for roast dinner where I'm from!

And if he insisted on just the two of them, he could have at least told you beforehand. It's the lying and deceit that disturbs me. If he's the adult he claims to be, he should face up to you and your reaction like one and own his decision.

I wouldn't sob down the phone. But I would let them both know how disappointed I am they felt the need to lie and exclude. I would then wish them well. I wouldn't also suggest a dinner for them because they didn't want one anyway??

Anyway, I hope these same people don't expect you to be heavily involved in childcare for future DGC, but not important enough for their wedding.

SapphireOpal · 17/02/2025 07:55

VivaVictoria · 17/02/2025 07:11

Hold on- he's destroyed the relationship already.

He's behaved like an immature, selfish dickhead.

I can't ge t my head around the women here who think this is acceptable behaviour from a son.

Either you don't have adult children, or you've had the kind of parenting yourselves that makes you think this is decent behaviour.

God knows what men they're raising if they think this is okay behaviour.

Everyone is entitled to the wedding they want but most have the courtesy to at least discuss it with their parents and also appreciate doing it in secret is going to cause some fall out.

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No - I didn't have the sort of parenting that would make me think this is decent behaviour. If I'd don't this, my parents would have made it all about them, how dare you not invite us, why didn't you have a big ceremony at St Marks like your sister, etc etc. I'd like to think if one of my kids did this I'd be happy they had the confidence and security to make that decision with their life partner.

WHY is it so awful that they've got married just the two of them? I really don't understand.

MumCanIHaveASnackPlease · 17/02/2025 07:56

thebrowncurlycrown · 17/02/2025 07:55

I'm so surprised by the responses you've received OP. I don't have a son, but if one of my daughters went through such a momentous ceremony I would be disappointed too. He has chosen the one to spend the rest of his life with and he couldn't even bother to tell the one who raised him and got him to that point to begin with.

If he didn't want a fuss, he could've just invited parents and siblings only. Instead of two randoms from the hotel. That wouldn't of been a fuss, that's a typical Sunday afternoon with the family for roast dinner where I'm from!

And if he insisted on just the two of them, he could have at least told you beforehand. It's the lying and deceit that disturbs me. If he's the adult he claims to be, he should face up to you and your reaction like one and own his decision.

I wouldn't sob down the phone. But I would let them both know how disappointed I am they felt the need to lie and exclude. I would then wish them well. I wouldn't also suggest a dinner for them because they didn't want one anyway??

Anyway, I hope these same people don't expect you to be heavily involved in childcare for future DGC, but not important enough for their wedding.

The OP currently is on track for a zero percent chance of having any kind of relationship with any potential future grandchildren…..

IntermittentStream · 17/02/2025 07:57

thebrowncurlycrown · 17/02/2025 07:55

I'm so surprised by the responses you've received OP. I don't have a son, but if one of my daughters went through such a momentous ceremony I would be disappointed too. He has chosen the one to spend the rest of his life with and he couldn't even bother to tell the one who raised him and got him to that point to begin with.

If he didn't want a fuss, he could've just invited parents and siblings only. Instead of two randoms from the hotel. That wouldn't of been a fuss, that's a typical Sunday afternoon with the family for roast dinner where I'm from!

And if he insisted on just the two of them, he could have at least told you beforehand. It's the lying and deceit that disturbs me. If he's the adult he claims to be, he should face up to you and your reaction like one and own his decision.

I wouldn't sob down the phone. But I would let them both know how disappointed I am they felt the need to lie and exclude. I would then wish them well. I wouldn't also suggest a dinner for them because they didn't want one anyway??

Anyway, I hope these same people don't expect you to be heavily involved in childcare for future DGC, but not important enough for their wedding.

For heaven’s sake, one sees exactly why they didn’t tell the OP!

SapphireOpal · 17/02/2025 07:57

thebrowncurlycrown · 17/02/2025 07:55

I'm so surprised by the responses you've received OP. I don't have a son, but if one of my daughters went through such a momentous ceremony I would be disappointed too. He has chosen the one to spend the rest of his life with and he couldn't even bother to tell the one who raised him and got him to that point to begin with.

If he didn't want a fuss, he could've just invited parents and siblings only. Instead of two randoms from the hotel. That wouldn't of been a fuss, that's a typical Sunday afternoon with the family for roast dinner where I'm from!

And if he insisted on just the two of them, he could have at least told you beforehand. It's the lying and deceit that disturbs me. If he's the adult he claims to be, he should face up to you and your reaction like one and own his decision.

I wouldn't sob down the phone. But I would let them both know how disappointed I am they felt the need to lie and exclude. I would then wish them well. I wouldn't also suggest a dinner for them because they didn't want one anyway??

Anyway, I hope these same people don't expect you to be heavily involved in childcare for future DGC, but not important enough for their wedding.

And what about her parents and siblings who she's estranged from? Perhaps he knew it'd be much harder for HIS WIFE if OP and her family were there.

The emotional manipulation on this thread about not doing childcare because they decided to have the wedding just the two of them is really something to behold. I really don't understand what is so wrong about what they've done.

IkeaJesusChrist · 17/02/2025 07:59

We did similar, get over it.

Iceandfire92 · 17/02/2025 07:59

You should be happy that they didn't waste 20k plus on a wedding and avoided all of the inevitable politics. Would you have offered to pay for a larger wedding?

CompleteOvaryAction · 17/02/2025 07:59

I had the temerity to get engaged without DH asking father's permission first.

When I called my parents to let them know, their reaction was rather like yours OP and it soured our happiness. I then tried to make up for it by letting my parents orchestrate the announcement of my engagement to the wider family and have right of veto over the wedding day plans. It was very much "our daughter's wedding" rather than "our daughter's wedding". I still feel a bit resentful 25 years later.

Call your son, apologise, congratulate them and you'll have a better relationship going forwards. I don't think you should offer to have a celebration meal as they might see that as an imposition. They wanted no fuss. Make no fuss.

Londonrach1 · 17/02/2025 07:59

What a great solution. It's their wedding their choice. Yabu but can understand why you feel disappointed. Take them for a meal or have a family get together to celebrate. Congratulations on your new daughter in law.

Londonrach1 · 17/02/2025 07:59

What a great solution. It's their wedding their choice. Yabu but can understand why you feel disappointed. Take them for a meal or have a family get together to celebrate. Congratulations on your new daughter in law.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 17/02/2025 08:00

From your messages:

Once when I asked my son alone he said when her brother died her parents said they wished it was her

He said she 'offered' to get married in the registry office in our town with us but he refused

So she is estranged from her family on what sound like reasonable grounds, and it's likely to have been painful at what is normally an event for bringing two families together. Despite this, she offered for you to be there, and it was him who refused.

It sounds to me like two people deeply in love, both of whom are trying their best to put the other first.

I understand you're upset to not have been there, but how lovely that you've raised such a considerate young man and he's managed to meet such a lovely lady to share his life with. Maybe try to focus on that and not your upset, which will only drive division in your family.

BunnyLake · 17/02/2025 08:03

thebrowncurlycrown · 17/02/2025 07:55

I'm so surprised by the responses you've received OP. I don't have a son, but if one of my daughters went through such a momentous ceremony I would be disappointed too. He has chosen the one to spend the rest of his life with and he couldn't even bother to tell the one who raised him and got him to that point to begin with.

If he didn't want a fuss, he could've just invited parents and siblings only. Instead of two randoms from the hotel. That wouldn't of been a fuss, that's a typical Sunday afternoon with the family for roast dinner where I'm from!

And if he insisted on just the two of them, he could have at least told you beforehand. It's the lying and deceit that disturbs me. If he's the adult he claims to be, he should face up to you and your reaction like one and own his decision.

I wouldn't sob down the phone. But I would let them both know how disappointed I am they felt the need to lie and exclude. I would then wish them well. I wouldn't also suggest a dinner for them because they didn't want one anyway??

Anyway, I hope these same people don't expect you to be heavily involved in childcare for future DGC, but not important enough for their wedding.

It wasn’t a momentous ceremony, it was a quiet understated exchanging of words with no fanfare. It wasn’t as if they had a big white wedding and invited everyone except OP.

Now there’s arguments and fury and storming off in the OP’s household, which all sounds OTT and ridiculous to me and I’m the mother of two grown sons.

holidayaway · 17/02/2025 08:06

YANBU. It would not have cost them anything to have invited you to that small wedding. You could have paid your own way.

A wedding is the most significant celebration in a person’s life, so of course you would want to be there at your child’s wedding.

It’s incredibly selfish of them to not want you there. It’s meant to be a happy time for family and friends to celebrate together. It does not cost much to hire a room above a pub to do this. Weddings do not have to be exiensive.

I’m so sorry OP.

I am sure there are loads of people on this thread saying YABU but remember there are loads of really anti social people on this site who avoid human contact!

An Uber individualistic society where everyone just pleases themselves is not a good one, and causes pain. As you have sadly discovered. .

Bestfootforward11 · 17/02/2025 08:08

I completely understand why you’d be disappointed. I would. But I really don’t think there is anything negative meant against you personally. It sounds like your DS was keen to just do it this way or go all out and I kind of get that. You mentioned his now wife is estranged from her family and has friends overseas. It might’ve felt a bit odd for them both to celebrate with mainly your DS’s side. I don’t know. But the thing is it can’t be undone so now to look forward. I’m sure you want them to be in your lives and there are opportunities for many happy times ahead. Id call him back and say you were caught by surprise and emotional as he is your eldest. But you’re so pleased they are happy and would love to take them out for a meal to celebrate their good news.

SapphireOpal · 17/02/2025 08:09

holidayaway · 17/02/2025 08:06

YANBU. It would not have cost them anything to have invited you to that small wedding. You could have paid your own way.

A wedding is the most significant celebration in a person’s life, so of course you would want to be there at your child’s wedding.

It’s incredibly selfish of them to not want you there. It’s meant to be a happy time for family and friends to celebrate together. It does not cost much to hire a room above a pub to do this. Weddings do not have to be exiensive.

I’m so sorry OP.

I am sure there are loads of people on this thread saying YABU but remember there are loads of really anti social people on this site who avoid human contact!

An Uber individualistic society where everyone just pleases themselves is not a good one, and causes pain. As you have sadly discovered. .

Do you not think it would have been very hard for DIL who is estranged from her family to have her DH's family members there, highlighting the absence of hers?

Tortielady · 17/02/2025 08:10

JerseyCrow · 17/02/2025 06:59

Great post.

This is a pivotal moment and I suspect the OP is going to keep this going until it becomes a rift that easily could be avoided.

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Thank you. I think the OP has the capacity to distinguish between her feelings (which I can understand to an extent) and acting on them to the detriment of her relationship with her son and daughter-in-law. It may go beyond them, as her other children don't agree with how she's handling things. Family rifts are usually painful but not always unavoidable and I hope that the OP can steer away from one in this case. As upsetting as it would be for her children, she (and probably her DH) would suffer the most.

BigBlueRhino · 17/02/2025 08:10

I would be upset but respect their decision.