Page 24 | To be upset son got married without me there?

Knju · 2025-02-16T21:24:23+00:00

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking. He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up. I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them. I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

VivaVictoria · 17/02/2025 07:15

Hhoudini · 17/02/2025 07:11

What on earth?? All these I'd be totally cool with it man must have terrible relationships with their children. Either that or they're lying to seem cool or just to cause drama. Maybe both

On the contrary, a family where the child feels able to make their own decisions without fear of drama or negativity is incredibly stable and secure. They know that their family are supportive and won’t make it all about them.

Are you living in the real world or some pseudo psycho babble bubble?

Tosh!

Families are invested in their children. They want them to be happy.

Discarding your parents like a pair of old socks and not even telling them you're getting married is just terrible behaviour.

Anyone who can't see that needs to take a hard look at themselves.

KeepYaHeadUp · 17/02/2025 07:15

Londonfridgeisfalling · 17/02/2025 01:29

I'd be upset too OP. I don't think you need to apologise for crying. As mumsnet likes to point out quite often ,your feelings are valid. Unless there's a backstory , he's been quite sneaky on planning this since October and yet not told any of his family. Let's hope he'll be as independent when it comes to childcare for his children🤞, should they decide to have children. Well, if he isn't, you can always remind him of how independent he can be👍. I know it might come across as pa, but he's made his bed ......

Fuck me, that is nasty. It's honestly no wonder so many adult kids go non-contact with their parents if this is the best they have to offer.

Hhoudini · 17/02/2025 07:15

VivaVictoria · 17/02/2025 07:11

Hold on- he's destroyed the relationship already.

He's behaved like an immature, selfish dickhead.

I can't ge t my head around the women here who think this is acceptable behaviour from a son.

Either you don't have adult children, or you've had the kind of parenting yourselves that makes you think this is decent behaviour.

God knows what men they're raising if they think this is okay behaviour.

Everyone is entitled to the wedding they want but most have the courtesy to at least discuss it with their parents and also appreciate doing it in secret is going to cause some fall out.

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Wow! I couldn’t disagree more with pretty much everything you’ve said.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 17/02/2025 07:15

If she doesn’t speak to her parents and her brother is dead I can see that a wedding with guests might be really difficult for her, especially if her friends are mainly abroad so either won’t show either or will need to come at great expense.

an intimate wedding with your family but not hers would probably have been especially tough.

I think you need to accept this and try make her feel part of your family now.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 17/02/2025 07:17

I would now apologise and offer a family meal in a restaurant to celebrate. I get why you are hurt and that’s understandable but you need to be the bigger person and get past it to maintain a good relationship and understand why she would have found a wedding very difficult

Istilldontlikeolives · 17/02/2025 07:18

There are a lot of strange people on Mumsnet. It must have been a horrible shock for you and of course it’s a big disappointment- not telling you about the wedding or even about buying the house. They have made things very awkward now. I guess you just have to be careful not to lose your son.

rightoguvnor · 17/02/2025 07:18

It's yesterday's spilt milk now. No good crying over it.
I might feel differently if she had had 'special people' there but they didn't. It wasn't personal and from your updates it seems that the final decision was your son's. The job now is to show your DIL that family can be supportive and loving and respectful of each other's choices.
Whatever, it's spilt milk.
Text today and ask them over for dinner this week. Tell them there will be and 🍾 and no cross words.

Ilovebabykangaroo · 17/02/2025 07:18

I did this, in the 90’s and we are still together. 2 witnesses off the street. Cost less than £100 all in.

My child recently got married, no change from 30k. Obscene amount of money! However the photographs were 👌 for instagram!!!

You have had no stress, no drama, no financial outlay. Give your son your blessing!

CurlewKate · 17/02/2025 07:18

Here in the real world, if you do something you know is going to upset someone, you have to accept that they will be upset. Fine to do it if you want to. Not fine to expect the other person not to be upset.

MumCanIHaveASnackPlease · 17/02/2025 07:20

VivaVictoria · 17/02/2025 07:11

Hold on- he's destroyed the relationship already.

He's behaved like an immature, selfish dickhead.

I can't ge t my head around the women here who think this is acceptable behaviour from a son.

Either you don't have adult children, or you've had the kind of parenting yourselves that makes you think this is decent behaviour.

God knows what men they're raising if they think this is okay behaviour.

Everyone is entitled to the wedding they want but most have the courtesy to at least discuss it with their parents and also appreciate doing it in secret is going to cause some fall out.

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The OP is of course welcome to take the view that her adult son is an immature dickhead.

However if she wants to continue to have any relationship with him or indeed any potential future grandchildren, I think that that would be ill advised.

Hhoudini · 17/02/2025 07:21

He didn’t discard them at all, he married his wife in an intimate way which was special and meaningful to them.

OP has already admitted that if she’d have known she would have tried to persuade them to do it the way that she wanted, she admits that she doesn’t hold back on saying how she feels and that the drama is all kicking off. Why in the world would anyone want to open themselves up to that?

Also attachment is hardly pseudo psycho babble or rocket science. But if it makes you feel better to throw around insults to people you don’t know who disagree with you, you do you.

LivingOnTheVeg · 17/02/2025 07:21

DP and I are doing exactly the same thing and one of the reasons is because my DM is dead and I’m estranged from everyone else too. Can you imagine how it’d feel for your DIL to see her DH’s family all turned out for her on the day and she doesn’t have any of hers? It’d be horribly sad for her on what’s supposed to be the happiest day of her life. Regardless, it’s what they wanted and the decision is nothing to do with you. Stop arguing. You’ve spoiled it for them now.

VivaVictoria · 17/02/2025 07:21

CurlewKate · 17/02/2025 07:18

Here in the real world, if you do something you know is going to upset someone, you have to accept that they will be upset. Fine to do it if you want to. Not fine to expect the other person not to be upset.

Thank God we have someone else other than me living in the real world rather than some Mumsnet argumentativeworld.

KeepYaHeadUp · 17/02/2025 07:23

Truetoself · 17/02/2025 06:29

We are a close knit family and our children would know what a kick in the teeth it would be if they have a major life event and don't want to share it with us.

A marriage is actually a union not only between the couple but between two families.

Eg why do people want grandparents to help out with childcare for example?

The world and MN is full of hypocrisy

No, a marriage isn't that to all people. Childcare by grandparents is perfectly possible without any wedding it all! And there is no reason a tiny wedding with two strangers as witnesses means grandparents cannot continue to happily offer childcare.

butterpuffed · 17/02/2025 07:24

VivaVictoria · 17/02/2025 07:21

Thank God we have someone else other than me living in the real world rather than some Mumsnet argumentativeworld.

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I totally agree . So many MNers don't appear to know that the threads are very often unlike RL .

Trendyname · 17/02/2025 07:25

Knju · 17/02/2025 00:20

An argument has erupted in our house on the topic, everyone has stormed off now. My husband is furious on my behalf and thinks they're selfish etc. Two of his siblings have given me pause as they have been pointing out how miserable he was before he met her, and how difficult he was to spend time with at points and how much I used to worry, which is all true. One of my sons has said I should be grateful he is his wife's problem now! No one in this house holds back really...

I don't debate she is good for him and I'm certainly happy they've decided to make things permanent. I just wish this new improved version of my son could be bothered with me a bit more given I was the one picking up the pieces beforehand. Its hard to feel discarded.

One of my sons has said I should be grateful he is his wife's problem now! No one in this house holds back really.

I don't blame your son to not include any of you if your new family see him as a problem.
I am sure there is a back story for your son. It's esay for your younger sons to call their older half sibling miserable, wife's problem now. Your older son did not grew up with his father like younger ones and had to adjust to major change in his life, mother's new family. It seems your husband is calling him and his wife selfish. Feel very sorry for having such father figure and useless younger half siblings.

KeepYaHeadUp · 17/02/2025 07:25

@VivaVictoria - you sound unhinged. No one has been "discarded like a pair of old socks". What is it about weddings that makes some people lose touch with reality?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/02/2025 07:26

Getting married with only one family present could be emotionally difficult. I can see the appeal of something small.

OP should apologise for causing a fuss and sulking.

KeepYaHeadUp · 17/02/2025 07:27

CurlewKate · 17/02/2025 07:18

Here in the real world, if you do something you know is going to upset someone, you have to accept that they will be upset. Fine to do it if you want to. Not fine to expect the other person not to be upset.

Absolutely - you cannot control other people or how they feel.

Similarly, you have to accept that your son is not an extension of you and that they will make decisions that you may not like. Somehow you need to learn not to take those personally or risk losing them

Hhoudini · 17/02/2025 07:28

CurlewKate · 17/02/2025 07:18

Here in the real world, if you do something you know is going to upset someone, you have to accept that they will be upset. Fine to do it if you want to. Not fine to expect the other person not to be upset.

I think most people have acknowledged that OP will be upset, but what they’ve also said is that they can understand why the son and daughter in law chose to do it and that OP has a choice on how she manages those feelings which will impact on the relationship moving forwards.

Essentially the choice for the son was have the weddings we want and upset some people or have the wedding other people want and it won’t be anything like what they would choose for ourselves.

As a mother and grandmother, if my kids get married without me, move overseas, join the army - whatever - I’d be sad but I’d support them because I trust that they’re making the right decision for them, and that is how it should be.

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 17/02/2025 07:29

@Knju, your next thread is likely to be that you are estranged from your son if you carry on the way that you are.

Is this what you want?

mrschocolatte · 17/02/2025 07:31

I think you’re absolutely entitled to feel the way you do OP. He’s your son and you want to be there for major milestones and moments in his life. But, he didn’t want you there for this one and he has his reasons for that. You may not like them but spending some time exploring those reasons in a non confrontational way might help you make peace with his decision and smooth the road ahead for your relationship with your son and DIL. I think this is a good indicator about how your future relationship with your son might look like and you might find yourself less involved and informed and that’s an adjustment you need to make, for your own sake. I don’t think you’ll ever stop feeling hurt by what’s happened but you have many years ahead of you to build a healthy relationship with them both based on what you’ve learned about them as a couple and how they think and feel and their general approach to life.

Thirteenblackcat · 17/02/2025 07:33

Knju · 17/02/2025 00:20

An argument has erupted in our house on the topic, everyone has stormed off now. My husband is furious on my behalf and thinks they're selfish etc. Two of his siblings have given me pause as they have been pointing out how miserable he was before he met her, and how difficult he was to spend time with at points and how much I used to worry, which is all true. One of my sons has said I should be grateful he is his wife's problem now! No one in this house holds back really...

I don't debate she is good for him and I'm certainly happy they've decided to make things permanent. I just wish this new improved version of my son could be bothered with me a bit more given I was the one picking up the pieces beforehand. Its hard to feel discarded.

Hmmm, the mystery about why he wanted to elope continues ….

PerambulationFrustration · 17/02/2025 07:34

I'd be upset too op but now it's done, what are your choices?
If you want a relationship with them, then think of your son's happiness, accept that this is what he wanted and it's not personal, and look to the future.
Call him back and say it might be still a shock to you but you're happy if he's happy.
Trust that you raised your son to make good decisions and look to the future.

Trendyname · 17/02/2025 07:37

CurlewKate · 17/02/2025 07:18

Here in the real world, if you do something you know is going to upset someone, you have to accept that they will be upset. Fine to do it if you want to. Not fine to expect the other person not to be upset.

Real world is made of different people with different scenarios. Older son does not seem to have a great relationship with op's new family. Her younger sons are calling him a good riddance. Op never holds back her feelings. Even when she knows dil has a major trauma from her family, she is critical of her being introverted. Step father is calling them selfish. This is not a loving family. I ferl sorry for oldest son.