To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

I understand your feelings completely OP. I really do. And, to a certain extent, those of your DH who is feeling upset at the hurt you feel.

But it’s urgent damage limitation time now OP.
You need to lead the way for your entire family on this before there becomes a real lasting rift. You have to suddenly change your tune to one of positivity about it all in order to make it easy for them to visit and feel your welcome. There is actually a lot to be thankful for if you can put your hurt to one side.

You really should think about calling them to apologise for your initial reaction, telling them it was simply a response from the shock.
Tell them how wonderfully happy the whole family are about the news and of course now that you have had time to sleep on it, you personally couldn’t be happier that they found each other and are now married. Tell them their marriage is a wonderful joyful thing and you will all support them as much as possible and are quietly celebrating your joy for them until you can give them both a hug and welcome them home. Tell them you will always be mindful of their wishes and needs and you all want them to feel they will always be welcome with you back home. You will always love them and never be disappointed in them.

It sounds as though he has found his true soulmate OP, given how awkward he felt beforehand. You are clearly thankful for that and really, you have to accept that all the wedding frippery around their legal union just wasn’t for them as a couple. They have been incredibly sensible to recognise their own needs and to save to buy a roof over their own heads.
Of course, you would have understood all that if they had just been open but they did have a right to make and exercise their own judgement without including anybody else, as they saw fit.
Be proud of them for that and try your hardest to turn this around now, so that you can all make the best of the future together.
Take good care and all the best OP.

We are a close knit family and our children would know what a kick in the teeth it would be if they have a major life event and don't want to share it with us.

A marriage is actually a union not only between the couple but between two families.

Eg why do people want grandparents to help out with childcare for example?

The world and MN is full of hypocrisy

From what you've said about your son's wife she sounds like an introvert. Introverts don't like a fuss, but moreover they don't like people watching them or being in any way the centre of attention. think of it like a job interview- it is a really exciting thing for you as a new job and promotion might come out the end of it, you feel well prepared, but you're nervous. Suddenly you're told instead of 2 people interviewing you there will be 10. Now what was exciting and you felt well prepared for is positively scary.

I know you'll think - but this isn't an interview, it isn't a test, it's a wedding. But to introverts social things all involve effort and sometimes a level of discomfort. If you had choice of being interviewed by 2 or 10 people what would you want? Don't focus on you and being cut out, it isn't that they didn't want you there, they just didn't want pressure. They don't love or value you any less for this having happened. Please try to remember that and congratulate them properly. It's like someone close not telling you they were pregnant until well into the pregnancy- you could make it about you and how selfish it was not to tell you, or you can realise that they're really excited to share the news with you, they just needed/wanted a bit longer to be comfortable sharing. Good luck, I know it's not easy trying to put your feelings aside, but it sounds like both your DIL and son love you very much.

Be happy for them - they did 'their wedding, their way'.
Just because you wanted the big event doesn't mean they did too.

I'd be absolutely outraged at this. So sorry OP.

I did similar 32 years ago, my parents did know though and weren’t happy. There was only me and DH there and unknown witnesses. We’d lived together 5 years, I could think of nothing worse than being the centre of attention. I did feel periodically bad over the years but I would do the same now 3 decades later, and still hate being the centre of attention.

I hope you can move on x

And actually from what you've said your son could quite possibly be an introvert too. As others have said think about how happy he is and try not to spoil it for him.

Whilst I get that it’s hurtful, you’re making this all about you and not even trying to understand where they’re coming from. She’s estranged from family so a wedding was always going to be difficult for her, you’ve admitted that if you’d had any involvement you’d have wanted them to do something other than what they wanted to do. You’ve said that you don’t hold back on saying what you think (apologies I can’t remember the exact wording).

In fact I think your son is the most admirable person in this scenario. He has made a decision to keep the wedding simple, drama free and about the two of them. You have the choice now to kick off because your son didn’t choose to make his wedding about your wishes and risk changing your relationship forever or accept that you’re disappointed, have a quiet moan and then move on.

So many scenarios on this site where a husband is colluding with mum over wife are met with ‘you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem’, well your new DIL doesn’t, she has a husband who has her back and prioritizes her. That a good thing that you should be proud of.

I agree. MN is so weird about this.

I dom't think I know anyone who eloped. I know a couple of people who had tiny weddings, which is fine. On MN every other person seems to have done. It's like what's the actual purpose of family if you're all so separate from each other. Also, I'm not going to introduce anyone to my baby for months...just bonkers.

The one person I know whose daughter eloped is still hurt years later. The DH had a difficult relationship with his family so wants his wife to be similarly estranged. The mum is the least controlling person ever and sacrificed loads for her daughter. It's very sad.

I'm not at all interfering. I let my kids live their best lives. But they are still my family and I hope they feel that too.

OMG! So much tedious drama!

I can see why this couple chose to elope!

It isn’t about you. Get over yourself.

I did the opposite, I did our wedding for everyone else. I didn’t enjoy most of it, the one bit I remember feeling happy in was when DH and I left the church and it was just the two of us.

I hated being the centre of attention, but had step kids and a mother who I felt I should prioritize.

That was 25 years ago and while I don’t regret it because it was the right thing to do for other people, I do feel sad that I’ll never get to have the intimate and meaningful wedding that I wanted.

Edit: Sorry I meant to quote @TimeForATerf

DH and I got married secretly 40+ years ago. I don’t suppose my parents were thrilled but what they did was pay for us to have a honeymoon we hadn’t planned and couldn’t have afforded. They loved my DH and realised he made me happy. They got two weddings out of my DSis to make up for it.

I think you sound very overpowering as a family and if you don’t rein it in you will lose your DS. On this behaviour alone his DW might decide she wants as little to do with you as possible and I wouldn’t blame her.

You should apologise for spoiling what should have been a special day for him. Tell him it was a shock but actually you’re all thrilled for him now it’s sunk in. Make amends, YABVVU.

Great post.

This is a pivotal moment and I suspect the OP is going to keep this going until it becomes a rift that easily could be avoided.

God. I'm not surprised they eloped. They probably dreaded their wedding (emphasis on "their") being turned into a soap opera.

Ha ha I did this and the thought of parents weeping and wailing while ‘not holding back from their feelings’ would have made me double down all the more. Why the anger? You’ll destroy the relationship with your son if that’s what you want.

Do you not think they might have deliberately excluded anyone because they know exactly how his family would react knowing they were not being invited?

Your comment is insane. I recently got married after years of putting it off. My parents would be so happy for me if they found out we'd eloped. They'd have congratulated us and told us they loved us. We considered it, then knowing their reactions would be just to be happy for us we decided they should be there with us. I have 2 small children and i hope to god I am the same when they are older. I hope I make their lives better, not more dramatic and stressful.

Their choice, but I would also be really hurt. He must have known it would hurt you - thus the secrecy. But, if he has told you he just wants to elope, how would you have reacted?

What exactly are you upset about?
Had you envisaged a wedding scenario for him, complete with you as MotGroom, entertaining guests, funny stories, etc..?
Do you think he is being press-ganged by this woman and that she will eventually alienate him from you?
Whatever it is, you need to come to either discuss it with him, or come to terms with it. If it goes tits up, be there for him. At the moment, just smile and pretend all is well.
But yanbu to feel sad

She is blaming dil that she wants to keep op at arms length when dil has had a trauma from her family and she is introverted.
In her op, she was mentioning the expesice hotel her son and dil stayed in rather than using that money to do a wedding locally to op. 10 pages in the thread, hours later, she has no willingness to show any understanding towards dil, when posters have tried to give her other perspective.
Op has said she never hides her feelings but expect her dil and son to suppress theirs about the matters concerning them and do things to please Op. Op said she was closest to ds as it was two of them for 10 years, there is likelihood she is overbearing to him more than younger kids. She was also upset that he didnt invite step father and half siblings who must be teens or younger. Who knows what her son thinks of their relationship, when he was 10 she had a new famiky and all we know she didnt have time to be curious about son's feelings and emotions. So many posters have advised her to call him back but she has not given any attention to that rather still expressing her disappointments.

What on earth?? All these I'd be totally cool with it man must have terrible relationships with their children. Either that or they're lying to seem cool or just to cause drama. Maybe both

On the contrary, a family where the child feels able to make their own decisions without fear of drama or negativity is incredibly stable and secure. They know that their family are supportive and won’t make it all about them.

OR, consider that there is plenty of care and respect, as well as healthy, loving relationships. These relationships just aren't formed on the basis of whether or not you're invited to watch two people make their legal marriage vows to one another (something which is absolutely nobody's business bar the two people making the vows).

Hold on- he's destroyed the relationship already.

He's behaved like an immature, selfish dickhead.

I can't ge t my head around the women here who think this is acceptable behaviour from a son.

Either you don't have adult children, or you've had the kind of parenting yourselves that makes you think this is decent behaviour.

God knows what men they're raising if they think this is okay behaviour.

Everyone is entitled to the wedding they want but most have the courtesy to at least discuss it with their parents and also appreciate doing it in secret is going to cause some fall out.

I'd be gutted too OP. But it's done now, so try and get past it as quickly as you can for your relationship with your son's sake.

Oh give over.

That's twaddle.

Are you just arguing for the sake of it or do you in real life believe all of that?

I don't think half of these posters believe the crap they're saying in real life.