To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

All the people here having a go at the OP for being upset, I bet they wouldn't like it if their kids did the same thing to them.

They didn't want to experience any pushback or arguments leading up to the wedding which is their right. Just as it was yours to not be bothered about it for your wedding.

I’m with you op. I’d be sad about it.

I want my kids to be happy. Their wedding is about them and what they want, not what I want.

But I don't dream about their weddings and have absolutely no expectations at all. That's if they get married at all.

I eloped and have absolutely no regrets! Good for them OP, please don’t try and ruin their joy. Weddings look different for everyone and some people want it to be just for them.

Nobody is saying don’t be upset. But to make him feel guilty by crying, asking him if his wife is pregnant?! Getting the rest of the family involved, a furious husband. All very over-stepping and inappropriate.

Best thing to do? Wish them congrats, say “gutted we missed it; can we take you out to celebrate”?

She probably would have pushed back, as she has said, but also these are all adults, is pushback truly the end of the world?

Adults shouldn't have to fight against their parents to have their wedding the way they want. They shouldn't have to debate and compromise. It is not their parents' wedding. Opening it up for discourse just invites unnecessary stress that will taint the occasion for the couple.

Come on be reasonable... weddings are so expensive & usally cost the B & G an arm & a leg or one set of parenets... even worse..

Can you not just be happy for them & the sensible approach they took

That said my sons dad is still "definitely not bitter!!" about his parents running off to Rome on a Bank Holiday to finalise things

You aren't unreasonable to be disappointed but I do think you have to accept that they have done things their way, which they have the right to. Try to keep an eye on the big picture. The marriage and being part of that as family is the most important thing. Not the short ceremony. Their reasoning doesn't' seem wrong, as to why they decided to do it the way they did.

Ok. So I have a degree of sympathy for you feeling upset and for crying on the phone as it would have been a shock hearing the news. But as others have said it really is about what they wanted and you now need to respect that.
You’re still questioning their reasoning here and to say things like “they feel like weak reasons” is not acceptable. They’ve chosen to mark an important life event how THEY wanted to. It doesn’t matter if you don’t agree with their reasoning or would have done things differently. They are “weak” reasons to you, but are obviously not to them.
Are you not able to empathise with your new daughter in law ? You say she’s estranged from her own family… this makes it even more understanding to me why she/they would have wanted a small low key wedding! Have you considered that having a day where family is fussing round and clearly hers would not be present might highlight some disparity for her and be upsetting? Again with a lot of her friends living abroad that sounds like a perfectly sensible reason to not want to either (a) make it a huge weekend where everyone feels pressure to have to travel or (b) have a small wedding with “you” there, again highlighting that none of her own friends and family could be there. Can you really not understand why they might not want to do that?

Obviously I’m just making suggestions here… these might not be their feelings behind their reasons at all, but please at least try to see this from their point of view, rather just minimising what they’ve told you. They’ve explained their reasons to you, and that’s still not enough for you… which is exactly why they didn’t tell you beforehand.

I write this as someone who did have a big(ish) wedding day & whose mother had opinions on how it should be done, and became upset when we stuck to own decisions (despite her being fully present and included in the day). It’s irreparably affected our relationship to this day, and although things are fine in the surface I’ll never forgive her for not seeing that my wedding was about me & my husband, and not her wants and needs.
How you react going forward has the real power to shape your future relationship with your son, your new daughter in law and potentially any grandchild you may have.

Oh dear, this has turned into a bit of a mess for the OP.
I'm guessing she was expecting more support on here, but in the end her son and his partner chose the wedding they wanted on their terms and I fully understand their choice of wedding for themselves.

Shocking behaviour on you and your husband’s part. Yes I totally see why you’d be disappointed and upset he didn’t have a bigger thing where you were part of this but it’s not what they wanted and they have every right to do what they want. Stop being so selfish and making it all about your feelings!

I agree with a pp who said
Big weddings and then going into married life in debt and unable to buy a house is madness, yet this still feels a bit mean/sad/not quite right.

I also think the notion you are weird/wrong/bad to feel upset is nuts. Your reaction is totally normal and i think most people would feel devastated in your shoes.
However its a massive mistake to not apologise/ backtrack asap and will taint his memory of his wedding. It will irreparably damage your relationship long term!!!

What i would say is what do you actually want?
A good relationship with your son?
To make your peace with it and move on?
Just to make your feelings known and have them feel bad? (I dont get the vibe this it's this from your posts btw)
Think hard about what is your higher aim...

I'd be inclined to go see them or call him/her back and say something conciliatory if not entirely true along the lines of you are sorry not to have been more positive when he told you, you were just totally shocked and its not what you'd expeted. On one hand you are happy they have found each other and are so happy. Also that they have the coursge of their conviction to do what they wanted and are starting out sensibly as weddings can be so expensive....on the other you were so sad not to be able to share such a happy day with them. Having slept on it, the most important thing is You are so happy he is happy and that X is now officially family."

I'd offer to organise a low key party as you/ he family would love to celebrate their marriage and welcome X to the family as a sort of wedding gift if they would like. Something like a bbq in the garden / pub meal / drinks somewhere/ whatever later in the year if he and X would.like that / be open to it. You are happy to take direction and if thry just dont want it thats fine too. The offer is there.

Child make choices parents dont like all the time. Contextually its the less shotty end of the scale (its not drugs,gambling, illegal activity etc)
Dont blow up your relationship over this.

They are a couple now. If you want a good relationship with him, focus on your relationship with her as well as him.

People will say you being selfish, that it’s all about them. It is to some extent, but of course you are upset. It’s not selfish to want to be part of one of the most important events in your sons’a life.

Personally it’s not something I would have done to my parents. If it had been necessary for practical reasons (living in another country for example) I would have given my parents rbe courtesy of letting them know in advance.

If she's estranged from her family, imagine how she would have felt with your family there and nobody from her side. It could have been a very sad day for her. I think they did what was best.

You sound like the mother in law from hell, all about you, I can’t believe you asked her if she was pregnant! You do realise how intrusive and rude that is?!

If you don’t start doing some serious self reflection you will never be close to them or their future children- they’ll always be guarded in front of you due to your emotional reactions and unwanted opinions.

If she couldn't help it, but apologised and wished them well anyway, then it wouldn't be poor behaviour. But she didn't. She made an issue of her disappointed. Being unable to control your emotions to the extent you make something like this all about your upset is poor behaviour. She's an adult not a toddler.

I’m sorry that you’re hurt.

Wishing you much loved son well and congratulating him on his marriage isn’t a ‘platitude’, however. You should be able to do that. You shouldn’t have cried down the phone to him and ruined this. Having done it you need to apologise.

Life events like this can be very difficult for people estranged from their families, your daughter in law and your son have chosen the best way for them as a new family. It’s not too late to call back and take some of the drama and sting out of your response.

This whole post is about her and her son really, there is no mil experience. Not sure what you’re going on about.

I responded to a thread a couple of days ago about people having huge weddings...I think the couple was brave to do what suited them best. Also, they are trying to set up home together which costs a lot of money. I think they are more invested in the marriage than the wedding which is an excellent start.

I wish I had a tiny wedding, but went with convention and invited everyone. It was mainly to avoid upsetting my mum.

"I've never been one to conceal my feelings"

"Noone in this house holds back really"

Maybe this is part of the reason he and his wife chose to have their special day the way they did. A beautiful, intimate wedding, free of dramatics. I don't blame them.

Not everyone thinks a wedding is necessary though or wants to celebrate a marriage. It’s a patriarchal tradition that some people want no part of - maybe they’re getting married for administrative reasons and don’t want any fuss. At its heart it’s a legal contract. What’s exciting or interesting about watching someone sign a contract? What if their contract-signing isn’t even in the top 10 of important life events to them? Should they pretend they buy into something they don’t believe in just to have a party and please other people?

No one owes anyone a wedding, is the bottom line. And there’s nothing wrong with thinking of yourself and doing what’s right for you, especially when it comes to your own relationship! Some of these replies make me very glad that my parents made it very clear to me growing up that the only thing they wanted for me was to follow my own path and be happy. I don’t want to get married but if I did, I’d have a secret administrative-only thing - if I thought my parents were the type to weep and wail and emotionally blackmail me over not having a ceremony that would be even MORE reason for me not to tell them.

As for “what is family” - well, in my book it’s people who respect each other’s differences and don’t try and mould their offspring into living the only kind of life they feel acceptable. Isn’t the best thing you can give your kids your blessing for them to do whatever makes them happy? That’s certainly the thing I thank my parents for most. I don’t feel weighed down by any obligations, that’s a one way ticket to resentment and distancing oneself.

YABU and making it all about you, it’s their day. It’s obvious why they couldn’t tell you before hand.

I can understand being upset at not seeing him get married but you shouldn’t have told him this, you should have just said you were happy for them. Seems like you are willing to ruin your relationship over this which is ridiculous.

Completely agree, best advice on here

You shouldn't have encouraged that so it's good they didn't tell you. They are an adult couple who do not need Mummy interfering in their relationship.