To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

Will you tell them beforehand or afterwards do you think?
I think explaining beforehand seems fairer personally.

And, again, he may have had a good reason not to tell her beforehand.

It's weird because a child is an adult by then and dreaming about someone else's wedding is never going to end well....because it isn't your wedding.

No. Because it isn't the same thing, at all. Worrying your child may not survive to finish school, become an adult etc is incredibly different.

a day they have dreamed of since you were a baby

Are you having a laugh, @Yazzi ?

I have raised three wonderful people to adulthood and never once gave a moment’s thought to what a potential wedding would be like for any of them. I didn’t fantasise about a wedding of my own once I was older than about 12, for heaven’s sake.

If they do want to get married, which isn’t a given, then I hope they’ll do it exactly as they want.

Well, I have been to plenty of weddings and shed a little tear at the idea that it may hopefully one day be my precious little children's turn, looking at the mothers of the bride and groom and knowing that one day they were in my position with chubby little babies and children, and suddenly time passed quickly and here they are.

Go on, report me to social services the lot of you 😂

I agree.

I also didn't dream about my own wedding so I'm definitely not going to dream about my children's. If they get married it will be about them, not me.

People have been eloping for centuries. My parents eloped an have been happily married for 76 years. Its not the crime of the century. So you were’nt at the wedding and you aren’t at the bedding. That’s perfectly normal.

I’d say her son is better placed to judge what her reaction would likely have been had he told her in advance. It’s very obvious that she wouldn’t have respected his wishes on the matter, given that she’s lamenting not getting the opportunity to make it a ‘we’ event.

“I'm sick of this world where you treat people cruelly and then say "I'm not responsible for their reaction". It's stupid- if you want to be selfish at least be willing to contend with the consequences.“

LOL, the irony. That would indeed be a wise lesson for OP to learn. I’m not sure why you think they have any problem ‘living with the consequences’ - they’re not the ones staging an am dram production in their living room, husband and offspring scuttling off in different directions, after all.

By the way, one person’s ‘close community’ is another person’s ’overbearing and suffocating’.

So be it, but their are literally songs written about dreaming of your child's wedding day, it's a common thing to mention in a parents speech. Mums often put away a little something for their daughter's wedding. An engagement ring from Grandma is held onto to pass for a child if/when it's their turn.

In the real world it's seen as parents having hope that their children reach adulthood, find someone they love and cherish, celebrate a milestone with their dearest. The same as dreaming of your children graduating school and university, dreams of your children's future in general. Visions that will change as they do, with the underlying symbolism that you hope they are happy, loved, access moments of great joy.

In Mumsnet of course, it's suspect, damaging, suffocating and rigid. I'm glad that's not my world.

Wow! It’s really been ruined now, hasn’t it? The whole family has bad feelings over the wedding?

Our son and his girlfriend did this about a year ago. We paid for a hotel room and a meal out for them. They live with us, and I wasn’t crying about their wedding day.

I admire them for doing it their way and not following the crowd or doing it another way just to keep other people happy. I wish more people did this.

From your point of view, it is understandable to feel upset. This was your child getting married! BUT, Try to look at it from their point of view. A big wedding would have been horrible for her being estranged from her family, and his wife being sad would have made him sad too. A small wedding would have been horrible for them both because they would have had to pick and choose who came which would have upset the people who didn't make the cut. But by it just being the two of them, everyone was treated the same and the bride didn't have to feel shit about being the only one without her family on her wedding day. Your son did a kind thing for the woman he loves. They got married with no outside noise. Don't make either of them feel guilty for that. You'll only damage your relationship with them going forward.

It's nothing I've ever heard at a wedding speech. Talking about always wanting your child to be happy etc of course but I've never heard of a parent saying they dreamed about their child's wedding since they were a baby.

It's absolutely damaging and suffocating if you make it all about you when the 'dream' doesn't go exactly your way. Be it which university they go to or what kind of wedding they have.

While many people do indeed entertain these pictures perfect fantasies, most would be happy if their child was happy. It doesn't sound like that'd be enough for you.

Ok 😂😂😂

Kind of crazy to be like "you parent differently from me, so you're a bad parent", but you do you I guess

Yeah but that's a very big "if" isn't it. Sure some parents end up rubbish and overbearing. Many just alter what they dream for their children as their children's own hopes and dreams begin to form.

Either way not telling your parents you're getting married in advance (unless they are abusive) is a hurtful thing to do. Whatever the justification. It will likely hurt the parent, as it has hurt OP. Being hurt as the parent is not unreasonable.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, OP. Getting married is a huge deal, and most people wouldn't like it if their kids did this. Most parents dream about being at their child's wedding if they ever get married. You must be crushed. My parents would have been crushed if I'd done this, especially my mum.

However, since there's absolutely nothing you can do about it now, you're best off taking the advice here and saying you're sorry about your reaction but you were just shocked, and offer to celebrate them in some way.

Personally, I think they were very selfish not to invite even their parents, but lots of people are very selfish towards their families these days. I've seen it a lot in my family and in my friends.

OP has already admitted that if she knew before, she wouldn't have been able to accept it and would've suggested/encouraged things that she wanted.

Which is exactly why they didn't tell her. They wanted to be left in peace to get married and I don't blame them.

If they knew OP would have accepted what they wanted, it might have been different.

Do you get the sense, from the OP's posts, that she would have accepted the decision or been any less hurt to not be invited, had she known in advance?

I want my kids to be happy but I’m not “dreaming about their wedding day”. I want them to travel, be good people, meet someone if that’s what they want. Find a career they enjoy, be happy and comfortable, have somewhere nice to live. There’s a lot more to life than a wedding day. I think it’s exactly this type of thinking that ends up in a mother in tears on the phone making her son feel guilty… parents building up what they think happiness looks like & a wedding is all built up to be this perfect day - then disappointment if that’s not what they want to do.

I agree with @Yazzi's point of view.

How awful that his wife is estranged from her family, too. I hope she doesn't expect her new husband to dump his family as well.

And yet you're not open to people taking different approaches to their own weddings.

Why would she? She offered to have the wedding at a registry office with OP included but it was her son that said no.

It's almost like he's an adult and has a mind of his own.

She probably would have pushed back, as she has said, but also these are all adults, is pushback truly the end of the world?

Both my mum and my MIL argued for different things at my wedding than happened and would have preferred us to make their changes. They are both strong and loving matriarchs who we respect. We compromised on some, said no to others, with love. Our wedding didn't include everything they each wanted and we knew that. But so what? It wasn't the end of the world.

Her adult son should be able to survive that conversation rather than hide from it.

Why don't we ask OP? @Knju if your son told you in advance and you asked to be there and he said no but would be happy to have a family meal after, or would send you some pics, and wanted you to know, would you have been less hurt or not? Would you have tried to ruin his wedding, or not?

Yeah, guess I'm a bad mum because I think her son should have told her in advance that he was getting married