Page 20 | To be upset son got married without me there?

Knju · 2025-02-16T21:24:23+00:00

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking. He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up. I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them. I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

MumWifeOther · 17/02/2025 01:09

Knju · 17/02/2025 00:20

An argument has erupted in our house on the topic, everyone has stormed off now. My husband is furious on my behalf and thinks they're selfish etc. Two of his siblings have given me pause as they have been pointing out how miserable he was before he met her, and how difficult he was to spend time with at points and how much I used to worry, which is all true. One of my sons has said I should be grateful he is his wife's problem now! No one in this house holds back really...

I don't debate she is good for him and I'm certainly happy they've decided to make things permanent. I just wish this new improved version of my son could be bothered with me a bit more given I was the one picking up the pieces beforehand. Its hard to feel discarded.

I’m sorry but you are starting to sound like a narcissist

Fencehedge · 17/02/2025 01:09

"a day they have dreamed of since you were a baby"

😂😂🤣

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 17/02/2025 01:10

Knju · 16/02/2025 23:25

I asked if she was pregnant to which he was fairly horrified and said no.

He insisted it was their joint decision as I asked if 'eloping' was what she had wanted.

I am upset at the comments calling me nasty, domineering, no right to call myself 'mother'.
I feel like I've been extremely patient and gentle with him to my detriment at times, and I have tried my best to get to know his partner.

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Very interesting to see the type of replies you choose to reply to OP. This was a particularly nasty one bringing up “she might be pregnant”. I can’t believe you asked him, it shows a shocking lack of boundaries.

I hope you can use some of the other replies to learn something here, but sadly you seem quite defensive - so maybe not.

As a parent of two young kids, I strongly feel that I chose to bring them into the world. I can only hope that they choose to include me in life events in the future but I appreciate one day they won’t need me as much and will build their own families. I certainly won’t be thinking they “owe me” and berating them. I do it because I love them not to get something back one day or feel like I own them.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 17/02/2025 01:10

Knju · 17/02/2025 00:20

An argument has erupted in our house on the topic, everyone has stormed off now. My husband is furious on my behalf and thinks they're selfish etc. Two of his siblings have given me pause as they have been pointing out how miserable he was before he met her, and how difficult he was to spend time with at points and how much I used to worry, which is all true. One of my sons has said I should be grateful he is his wife's problem now! No one in this house holds back really...

I don't debate she is good for him and I'm certainly happy they've decided to make things permanent. I just wish this new improved version of my son could be bothered with me a bit more given I was the one picking up the pieces beforehand. Its hard to feel discarded.

You're not remotely wrong in any way OP. I'm with you and your DH. What your son has done is awful in my own personal opinion which I'll no doubt be attacked for sharing.
Just remember, crying is not a crime nor an insult. You categorically do not owe your DS nor anyone an apology for crying.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 17/02/2025 01:11

We're all wasting our time with this one.

OP has no intention of realising her mistake or rectifying it.

She's basking in the glory of thinking she's in the right.

Both her, her husband, and other children sound utterly toxic.

Sounds like a classic 'monster-in-law'.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 17/02/2025 01:12

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 17/02/2025 00:24

It's interesting that you say your husband is upset on your behalf. I take it he's not fussed about missing the wedding, and neither are your other kids. All the drama seems to be centred around you and your feelings?

Why do you "take it he's not fussed?" All OP has said about her DH is that he's furious. Why on earth have you taken him being furious to mean he's not bothered? That's quite the leap there @Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice

loropianalover · 17/02/2025 01:13

Yazzi · 17/02/2025 01:06

I really can't comprehend this vision of "family" on Mumsnet where once people are adults, noone owes anyone any care, respect or relationship at all.

In my real life, everyone would think this would be a cruel thing to do to your parents and family unless they had been abusive. To not let them share in your joy and love on your wedding day, a day they have dreamed of since you were a baby. It's cold and it's mean.

All this "it's not about you"- what does family even mean if not close bonds, sharing special moments and building shared memories, taking on responsibilities for each other and doing what we can to make each other happy?

I'm extremely glad my family doesn't share the same values as have been expressed here. And hugs OP. I would have been shattered too.

I’m sure the bride had a different vision of family growing up, but her parents were cruel to her. The couple didn’t want anyone to take on any responsibilities or have things to do for their wedding. They wanted to elope in secret, just the two of them.

My cousin eloped in 2022, came back from a holiday in Italy married. They had brought over a dress and suit, organised a photographer, had a meal on the beach afterwards. Everyone was SO excited when they came home, we couldn’t wait to see the pictures. Everyone, including her parents and grandparents, thought she was dead right. It was so exciting and romantic. What’s not exciting or romantic is sitting in a local hotel feeling stressed and down 20k because your parents wanted a wedding.

Ricottaplease · 17/02/2025 01:13

Yazzi · 17/02/2025 01:06

I really can't comprehend this vision of "family" on Mumsnet where once people are adults, noone owes anyone any care, respect or relationship at all.

In my real life, everyone would think this would be a cruel thing to do to your parents and family unless they had been abusive. To not let them share in your joy and love on your wedding day, a day they have dreamed of since you were a baby. It's cold and it's mean.

All this "it's not about you"- what does family even mean if not close bonds, sharing special moments and building shared memories, taking on responsibilities for each other and doing what we can to make each other happy?

I'm extremely glad my family doesn't share the same values as have been expressed here. And hugs OP. I would have been shattered too.

Completely agree.

InterIgnis · 17/02/2025 01:15

Yazzi · 17/02/2025 01:06

I really can't comprehend this vision of "family" on Mumsnet where once people are adults, noone owes anyone any care, respect or relationship at all.

In my real life, everyone would think this would be a cruel thing to do to your parents and family unless they had been abusive. To not let them share in your joy and love on your wedding day, a day they have dreamed of since you were a baby. It's cold and it's mean.

All this "it's not about you"- what does family even mean if not close bonds, sharing special moments and building shared memories, taking on responsibilities for each other and doing what we can to make each other happy?

I'm extremely glad my family doesn't share the same values as have been expressed here. And hugs OP. I would have been shattered too.

What would OP, had she known their plans, have done that would have made them happy, rather than herself? What would have made her happy was not what they wanted, and as it was their wedding day, what they wanted is what matters.

In my real life my parents always encouraged me to have the wedding I wanted, if I even wanted to get married at all. They didn’t think it was something I owed them.

What does family mean? That would depend on the family.

LBFseBrom · 17/02/2025 01:16

ForFunGoose · 16/02/2025 21:31

Their wedding their way.
I would be very proud of them, wish I had the courage to do the same.

So do I!

Op, phone your son and tell him you've got over it. He and his wife did the right thing for them.

BruFord · 17/02/2025 01:20

I understand your disappointment, OP, I’d feel the same way if DD or DS eloped. You just want to be part of the celebrations.

What about suggesting a party with family and friends sometime this year to celebrate their marriage? Do you think they’d be interested? It might be worth suggesting to them.

outerspacepotato · 17/02/2025 01:22

They had the wedding they wanted and he's happy with her. Stop crying at them, stop drawing others into your upset, get over yourself and congratulate them.

Genevieva · 17/02/2025 01:22

Express your appreciation of her thoughtfulness in suggesting that they include you. Then ask if you might host a small family celebration.

Travellingwithacarpetbag · 17/02/2025 01:25

MuddyPawsIndoors · 17/02/2025 01:05

Yes but why would being pregnant be a reason to get married alone and not tell the OP about their plans??

She jumped straight to that because she clearly has no self awareness.

In one breath she’s told us she can’t hide her feelings and that if she’d got wind of there being the slightest chance her DIL might’ve agreed to a local wedding she would’ve strongly encouraged it, and in another breath she must be pregnant because why else would they get married without her?

The reasons are clear but the OP doesn’t want to accept how overbearing and manipulative she’s been.

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It’s one reason for a speedy wedding that’s all. It’s something people think of.

When a friend got engaged unexpectedly (she was quite young, still at college) her parents did ask if she were pregnant. Another friend was asked the same by the priest marrying her because of similar, fast wedding arrangements 🤷‍♀️

cheseandme · 17/02/2025 01:26

Yazzi · 17/02/2025 01:06

I really can't comprehend this vision of "family" on Mumsnet where once people are adults, noone owes anyone any care, respect or relationship at all.

In my real life, everyone would think this would be a cruel thing to do to your parents and family unless they had been abusive. To not let them share in your joy and love on your wedding day, a day they have dreamed of since you were a baby. It's cold and it's mean.

All this "it's not about you"- what does family even mean if not close bonds, sharing special moments and building shared memories, taking on responsibilities for each other and doing what we can to make each other happy?

I'm extremely glad my family doesn't share the same values as have been expressed here. And hugs OP. I would have been shattered too.

Exactly,our family actually all care about each other. In the real world ,families share and communicate.
If my children choose to have a simple,private wedding that will be great but being secretive and inconsiderate is a step too far.
In will not actually happen though because we are a normal,uncomplicated family!

Londonfridgeisfalling · 17/02/2025 01:29

I'd be upset too OP. I don't think you need to apologise for crying. As mumsnet likes to point out quite often ,your feelings are valid. Unless there's a backstory , he's been quite sneaky on planning this since October and yet not told any of his family. Let's hope he'll be as independent when it comes to childcare for his children🤞, should they decide to have children. Well, if he isn't, you can always remind him of how independent he can be👍. I know it might come across as pa, but he's made his bed ......

steff13 · 17/02/2025 01:32

cheseandme · 17/02/2025 01:26

Exactly,our family actually all care about each other. In the real world ,families share and communicate.
If my children choose to have a simple,private wedding that will be great but being secretive and inconsiderate is a step too far.
In will not actually happen though because we are a normal,uncomplicated family!

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I don't have as much experience with the OP as her son does, but from just her posts on this thread she skews a bit dramatic. Maybe he knew she would cause problems if he told her about the wedding ahead of time. Without his side, we don't know. He may be perfectly justified in keeping it a secret.

Dodgyshoulder · 17/02/2025 01:33

I would feel very upset if my child got married without telling me. Just like if I got married without telling my parents, they would be very upset. Don’t let anyone try make you think you are being over the top for being upset, I get it, but if you want a relationship with your son and his wife, I guess you will have to get over it and move on at some point. I feel for you OP.

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/02/2025 01:34

Something tells me that sonny has good reason for eloping.

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/02/2025 01:35

outerspacepotato · 17/02/2025 01:22

They had the wedding they wanted and he's happy with her. Stop crying at them, stop drawing others into your upset, get over yourself and congratulate them.

This x1000

Stop making it all about you. Maybe that's what your son feared would happen.

Yazzi · 17/02/2025 01:39

InterIgnis · 17/02/2025 01:15

What would OP, had she known their plans, have done that would have made them happy, rather than herself? What would have made her happy was not what they wanted, and as it was their wedding day, what they wanted is what matters.

In my real life my parents always encouraged me to have the wedding I wanted, if I even wanted to get married at all. They didn’t think it was something I owed them.

What does family mean? That would depend on the family.

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Yeah maybe OP is just horrible. But on the other hand maybe while still disappointed she would have appreciated being told in advance, maybe be offered to have (or host) a special family dinner to celebrate afterwards, know that it was happening, be sent a picture.

You don't know that OP might not have been able to swallow to her sadness in that case and hide it.

I'm sick of this world where you treat people cruelly and then say "I'm not responsible for their reaction". It's stupid- if you want to be selfish at least be willing to contend with the consequences. And the people who feel that way always turn out shocked to not have a close community around them in the end. Funny that.

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/02/2025 01:40

Yazzi · 17/02/2025 01:06

I really can't comprehend this vision of "family" on Mumsnet where once people are adults, noone owes anyone any care, respect or relationship at all.

In my real life, everyone would think this would be a cruel thing to do to your parents and family unless they had been abusive. To not let them share in your joy and love on your wedding day, a day they have dreamed of since you were a baby. It's cold and it's mean.

All this "it's not about you"- what does family even mean if not close bonds, sharing special moments and building shared memories, taking on responsibilities for each other and doing what we can to make each other happy?

I'm extremely glad my family doesn't share the same values as have been expressed here. And hugs OP. I would have been shattered too.

Parents 'dream' of their child's wedding since they were babies?

That's just weird.

EggandStress · 17/02/2025 01:47

We did this. It was exactly how we wanted it.
I was really worried about telling my mum but once she'd got over the shock she was fine about it (I did have to explain a few times that no one was invited, not just her )

Be pleased for your DS and DDIL - I'm sure they would have worried about your reaction.

Yazzi · 17/02/2025 01:48

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/02/2025 01:40

Parents 'dream' of their child's wedding since they were babies?

That's just weird.

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Only in sad dark Mumsnet world is parents dreaming of their children's potential future joyful milestones considered weird 😂

When parents who have very unwell children share fears that they'll never finish school, never get married, etc, is that weird too?

CoolPlayer · 17/02/2025 01:50

Honestly, when we get married it will be the same and i love my family! I think once you invite someone you then need to invite someone else and on and on to not leave anybody out then you need to have some after do ect as everyone made the effort to get dressed up and come to the service.. I just want it to be me and him and keep it very simple. he won’t have meant to hurt you x