To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

They have entered into their marriage contract with no fuss or fanfare.

They want a marriage, not a wedding.

I know it hurts OP, but you will need to understand, or the relationship will be forever frosty.

I note that you asked if it was her idea that they had done this… be very careful not to blame her.

I think you’d be best off apologising for your reaction
say you found it a shock but are happy for him and wish them both well

it really is about what they want so please don’t pressure for a reception
unless that’s what they want

That speaks of a lack of imagination on your part. Clearly not everyone thinks or feels as you do, whether you choose to accept that or not.

OP wasn’t told because they knew she would try and ride roughshod over what they wanted for their wedding.

Thinking of no one but himself is the opposite of what he has done. He has thought about the feelings of his new wife.

The whole of OPs problem seems to be that she thinks he should have prioritised her feelings over that of his wife.

DILs family wished her dead over her brother. This is not a normal situation. Poor DIL, I cannot imagine how hard the prospect of a traditional wedding day would have been. Thank god for OPs son, he sounds lovely.

OP find the way forward. Ask your son and his new wife what they would like, a gift, a meal out or whatever. Congratulate them. You have not been disguarded.

He s a grown up.

I really do wish you all the best and hope you can lead from the front.

Just tell your son you were shocked.

I do feel you may need to fake it a bit about being happy, if you do not feel it because as you say yourself, she is good for him, he is happy now. Which is great. Look for he bigger picture. XXXX

I would be devastated. If my child ever gets married, I want to be there.

in the end though, we don’t always get what we want. What matters more is that you have an ongoing relationship with your son and his wife.

So repeat to yourself as many times as you need to for it to be genuine that this is something to be happy about. Then call him back, apologize, and tell him you would like to take him and his wife out to a very nice dinner to celebrate. At dinner, give them a card with whatever amount of money you would have given them as a wedding gift if they had chosen a traditional wedding.

(You were shocked that was why you got so upset but you are now not shocked, I mean.)

I would be upset too. Who wouldn't? But as they invited no one then its no slight on you.

As he says, it's no big deal ( to him) so forget about it I guess. Ie I wouldn't try to arrange a small party or meal or any celebration as that's what he was trying to avoid. Send a card and flowers and try to accept its their choice. I'd congratulate them both. But you have every right to your feelings. Just don't let that ruin your relationship. You have said what you needed to. I'm not a great beliver in saying one thing ( that's amazing news, I'm so happy I couldn't witness that) and meaning another.

You can be happy for him and sad you didn't witness your child's wedding at the same time.

Welcome to being a mil with a son.

Honestly that is ridiculous and dramatic. Your heads need shaking.

Really a phone call to them apologising and congratulating them would be best.
Take them for a meal.

I've read the full thread and all the updates.

When you see your son alone, he could do with being told how proud of him you are. You have obviously raised him right. He's been supportive of his new wife and been respectful of her feelings and past trauma without just shoving it to one side. I'd say that's a smart and responsible way to act and he clearly cares deeply for her.

Your updates on her. I can't begin to imagine the pain and trauma of losing a sibling, let alone being estranged from her family as they wished it was her instead. It's no wonder she had kept you at arms length. Her own family broke her trust and her support network. It's going to take a long time for her to let a new family in.
Don't let it stop you welcoming her in.

So with my first marriage. We had it where one side had family there and the other side didnt really, just a few friends and one family member (their choice). I tried to encourage and say invite them. All was fine at first but resentment and Ill feeling grew as time went on. And it became a topic that would get brought up over the course of the marriage which caused friction and eventually brought up through the divorce too.

Kindly, get over yourself.

It’s ok to be upset but not to try and make him feel bad.

If he’d invited her parents and not you, fine. But they chose to elope, just them, and that’s their choice! It’s not about you.

“Furious on your behalf”?? Really??

Now I can see exactly why they did it. Your husband needs to get an even bigger grip than you do. Carry on like this and you’ll push them away…

We got married without family. I did consider eloping but uncle did that and it didn’t go down well.
I didn’t want a big fuss on the day, Dh and I wanted to focus on each other. I stupidly suggested people could come but don’t expect anything to be planned. My sister could not stop herself trying to take over organising things - she was unbearable, after asking her over and over to back off - we said no one was coming.

We arranged a big party to celebrate a month later. My parents were relieved - they didn’t want to travel, dh’s parent were fine about it too - my sister has never forgiven me, at least that’s what she told me 10 years later and I haven’t enquired since. I told her I had no regrets, not a single one, it was our wedding and we did it our way, as did she (she was a total bridezilla and probably what sowed the seed for us escaping). Getting married was something intimate between dh and I - it didn’t feel like an event we wanted to share. It’s just how we saw it and nothing would have made me want my family there with all the fuss that it would meant.
Op I hope you can move on - don’t see the point in you harbouring a grudge, not everyone wants people at their wedding - you might not understand why, we’re all different.

My dc & their dp went away for a week over Valentines Day, I would be thrilled if they came back hitched!

That speaks of a lack of imagination on your part. Clearly not everyone thinks or feels as you do, whether you choose to accept that or not.

Get off you sanctimonious high horse. If you say you would be 'delighted' that your child deliberately didn't tell you he was getting married then I'm totally free to not believe you. Some people are so desperate to be 'not bovvered'.

OP wasn’t told because they knew she would try and ride roughshod over what they wanted for their wedding

You are not the son or his now wife so making decisive statements about why they did or didn't do anything is ridiculous at best. It seems that the son has no trouble doing as he pleases so I doubt he was too concerned about OP 'taking over'.

Can’t you also appreciate she probably didn’t want a big do because of her family situation? It might be embarrassing for her with all his family there and not her own. Your son sounds like a sensitive, decent human and it’s sad his parents are acting this way.

💖

I would be very sad to miss any of my DC's weddings but hopefully I wouldn't react as you have done. You can cry tonight but tomorrow get over yourself and start building a good, supportive relationship. The only one to suffer will be you if you carry on like this.

Yes but why would being pregnant be a reason to get married alone and not tell the OP about their plans??

She jumped straight to that because she clearly has no self awareness.

In one breath she’s told us she can’t hide her feelings and that if she’d got wind of there being the slightest chance her DIL might’ve agreed to a local wedding she would’ve strongly encouraged it, and in another breath she must be pregnant because why else would they get married without her?

The reasons are clear but the OP doesn’t want to accept how overbearing and manipulative she’s been.

Me me me is all I’m getting from your updates, now your enjoying the rest of the family turn against him.

It’s your fucking job to pick up the pieces of your children’s lives, which you’ve mentioned before. Maybe he was so unhappy before because of his home life, but people like you would never ever accept you played any part of that 🙄

Hooefully your son now has a nice long happy marriage and life with little to no contact with his horrible don’t hold back family!

I really can't comprehend this vision of "family" on Mumsnet where once people are adults, noone owes anyone any care, respect or relationship at all.

In my real life, everyone would think this would be a cruel thing to do to your parents and family unless they had been abusive. To not let them share in your joy and love on your wedding day, a day they have dreamed of since you were a baby. It's cold and it's mean.

All this "it's not about you"- what does family even mean if not close bonds, sharing special moments and building shared memories, taking on responsibilities for each other and doing what we can to make each other happy?

I'm extremely glad my family doesn't share the same values as have been expressed here. And hugs OP. I would have been shattered too.

Have you done any kind of self-reflection at all after reading replies?

Your husband should keep his nose out! It’s not his son, and it’s not helpful of him to be stirring the pot.

Ultimately they chose the wedding they wanted - low key, just themselves at a lovely hotel, celebrating their future. It’s rather romantic.

My mum told me it’s what she wished she had done rather, than to cave to family pressure for a church wedding. That was 1965 - you’d think we’d be a bit more accepting of young people choosing their own way 60 years later!

I understand you are hurt. But you’re not focusing on what really matters - your son has found someone he loves and plans to spend the rest of his life with. This is a happy thing.

Think of all the times you despaired at him ever being happy, then think how happy he is now - isn’t it a lovely thing, seeing our adult children secure and content?

Parenting is an exercise in making yourself redundant. It’s for their benefit, not ours.

just wish this new improved version of my son could be bothered with me a bit more given I was the one picking up the pieces beforehand. Its hard to feel discarded.

Err. How dramatic. He called you up to share the news, you could have screamed in shock and then organised to go visit them for a nice dinner to celebrate and hear all the details. But you threw your toys out the pram.

Reading your posts it’s obvious it would have been very difficult for his wife to have a ‘big’ affair and miss out on her parents being there. Going by the way you’ve worded things I’d say your son was more than happy to have it just the two of them, no fuss or dramatics. Sounds like they did exactly as they wanted, which is how your wedding should be.

Sorry OP - but YABU.

I understand that you are disappointed in your DS/DDIL's decision, but that's ultimately what it is - their decision.

I hope you'll make amends, this should be the happiest time of their lives and they should be surrounded by love and support.

As DDIL is estranged from her family, continue to do as you've done and welcome her as best you can. Goodness knows she would have needed that at this time.

Agree with all of this.