Page 18 | To be upset son got married without me there?

Knju · 2025-02-16T21:24:23+00:00

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking. He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up. I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them. I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

BaMamma · 17/02/2025 00:08

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/02/2025 00:05

pp also couldn't be more wrong.

OP posted soon after that her son's wife offered a registry office wedding with his parents there and it was HIM that said no.

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And quite right too, imagine being the new wife surrounded by the son's family!

Audhdmum · 17/02/2025 00:10

Like you, I’d be devastated but it is what it is and everyone has to move forward. I’d call back, say the emotion caught you by surprise (it did!) and that you’d like to take the two of them to a fancy dinner,

InterIgnis · 17/02/2025 00:11

Wild how she’s getting the blame, as if he’s not a grown ass man capable of advocating for himself if he wanted his mother and family there.

Sounds like he knew you’d try and take over, which is why you weren’t told in advance nor invited. I also suspect he knew how you’d react when you were told, which is why he chose to tell you over the phone.

Their wedding was about them, and as such they had the day they wanted, that meant the most to them. You may be upset, but you being upset does not mean they did anything wrong. This wasn’t about you and what you wanted.

Nannyfannybanny · 17/02/2025 00:12

I booked Gretna green, just us and the 4 kids. We'd been together 10 years,2 mortgages. DH told his mum, she went mad (he didn't owe her anything she walked out when he was 7,he didn't see her for 20 years) ended up changing wedding venue and reception,3 times, loosing the deposits each time..I didn't have "my wedding" I wish to god I had done this as originally planned. We owed her nothing and my own late father didn't bother to come.Oddly enough, he got married 6 weeks before he died, just so girlfriend didn't pay IHT,didnt tell me,her DKs were the witnesses,till afterwards,I'm an only child,that hurt.

friendlycat · 17/02/2025 00:14

What’s done is done and can’t be changed. Your disappointment is understandable.

However, how you behave from here is the most important thing. They’re now married and sadly your DIL is estranged from her family. Therefore surely the most important thing is to wholeheartedly welcome her into your family and create a strong bond going forward.

Be a supportive and loving MIL, continue to support your son and create a welcoming environment whereby they want to enjoy your and your family’s company creating healthy and happy lives and memories.

Harbouring any resentment over this will only create a divide. Your son is an adult and made his own decisions over this. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less, but just that he felt it was the best choice given the circumstances.

You now have the opportunity to build hopefully a great relationship with his wife and move forward. I’m not trying to diminish your feelings, but merely saying it would be better to try and swallow your own disappointment and look to the future. We can never change the past, but we can always influence the future with our own actions.

SerafinasGoose · 17/02/2025 00:15

Audhdmum · 17/02/2025 00:10

Like you, I’d be devastated but it is what it is and everyone has to move forward. I’d call back, say the emotion caught you by surprise (it did!) and that you’d like to take the two of them to a fancy dinner,

Not as 'devastated' as her daughter-in-law must be.

After what she's been through with her family this must feel like the final slap in the face.

No wonder they kept their wedding plans quiet beforehand and she's remained perfectly polite but emotionally distant. I'd similiarly be disinclined to trust people after these experiences, and OP's response to this news seems to thoroughly justify that caution. Poor woman.

SerafinasGoose · 17/02/2025 00:16

InterIgnis · 17/02/2025 00:11

Wild how she’s getting the blame, as if he’s not a grown ass man capable of advocating for himself if he wanted his mother and family there.

Sounds like he knew you’d try and take over, which is why you weren’t told in advance nor invited. I also suspect he knew how you’d react when you were told, which is why he chose to tell you over the phone.

Their wedding was about them, and as such they had the day they wanted, that meant the most to them. You may be upset, but you being upset does not mean they did anything wrong. This wasn’t about you and what you wanted.

Women almost always do.

Saracen · 17/02/2025 00:18

I'm sorry. That must have been really hard for you. I understand why you're sad.

But you do need to let go of it. It was their wedding, and their choice to have it this way. Time to apologise and offer to take them out for a meal, maybe with wider family if they are comfortable with that.

Original poster

Knju · 17/02/2025 00:20

An argument has erupted in our house on the topic, everyone has stormed off now. My husband is furious on my behalf and thinks they're selfish etc. Two of his siblings have given me pause as they have been pointing out how miserable he was before he met her, and how difficult he was to spend time with at points and how much I used to worry, which is all true. One of my sons has said I should be grateful he is his wife's problem now! No one in this house holds back really...

I don't debate she is good for him and I'm certainly happy they've decided to make things permanent. I just wish this new improved version of my son could be bothered with me a bit more given I was the one picking up the pieces beforehand. Its hard to feel discarded.

OP posts:

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 17/02/2025 00:20

I have never been one to conceal my feelings

That ^^ is the reason he wanted to go small and private. I'll put money on it.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 17/02/2025 00:24

It's interesting that you say your husband is upset on your behalf. I take it he's not fussed about missing the wedding, and neither are your other kids. All the drama seems to be centred around you and your feelings?

pikkumyy77 · 17/02/2025 00:24

You aren’t “picking up the pieces” anymore. He’s just an adult who married the love of his life and who makes decisions with her. Don’t be so egocentric. As one mother to another—your child doesn’t owe you the mother in law experience.

Acc0untant · 17/02/2025 00:25

Knju · 17/02/2025 00:20

An argument has erupted in our house on the topic, everyone has stormed off now. My husband is furious on my behalf and thinks they're selfish etc. Two of his siblings have given me pause as they have been pointing out how miserable he was before he met her, and how difficult he was to spend time with at points and how much I used to worry, which is all true. One of my sons has said I should be grateful he is his wife's problem now! No one in this house holds back really...

I don't debate she is good for him and I'm certainly happy they've decided to make things permanent. I just wish this new improved version of my son could be bothered with me a bit more given I was the one picking up the pieces beforehand. Its hard to feel discarded.

You are (all) still making their wedding day about you.

You and your husband had a prime opportunity to lead by example for your other kids. You could have shared the news with them as "Dan and Lily have just phoned us with the news that they eloped last week. What a lovely surprise, we'll all have to sign a nice card" but instead you're all arguing about something that doesn't concern any of you.

friendlycat · 17/02/2025 00:27

Your update really isn’t positive. You haven’t been discarded for goodness sake. Your son got married to someone he wanted to marry.

Have you actually taken on board any of the comments from people trying to help you here? This really isn’t about you.

showmethegin · 17/02/2025 00:29

I had sympathy to an certain extent before but this is just getting ridiculous.

If they had done the wedding YOU wanted it would have been for YOUR benefit and at the detriment of his WIFE.

IT
IS
NOT
YOUR
WEDDING.

InterIgnis · 17/02/2025 00:30

Knju · 17/02/2025 00:20

An argument has erupted in our house on the topic, everyone has stormed off now. My husband is furious on my behalf and thinks they're selfish etc. Two of his siblings have given me pause as they have been pointing out how miserable he was before he met her, and how difficult he was to spend time with at points and how much I used to worry, which is all true. One of my sons has said I should be grateful he is his wife's problem now! No one in this house holds back really...

I don't debate she is good for him and I'm certainly happy they've decided to make things permanent. I just wish this new improved version of my son could be bothered with me a bit more given I was the one picking up the pieces beforehand. Its hard to feel discarded.

Needless drama. Just as well they’re miles away, not having to deal with it.

Carry on as you are and you will damage your relationship with them further.

showmethegin · 17/02/2025 00:30

Also discarded? Turn down the drama for goodness sake.

Inyournewdress · 17/02/2025 00:33

I think it is understandable of course that you are upset and disappointed, but I think you need to process your reaction privately and move on. It was a decision they were free to make, and while you may have wanted to be a part of their day they had to ultimately do what felt right for them.

I assume the reason you wanted to be their is to show love and support, to be a part of their lives…and those are the very same reasons to set your feelings about the wedding aside now. The important thing is that your son has met someone who is great for him and he is happy. It sounds like your new DIL has had a difficult past. I think it reflects well on her that she was open to having a ceremony with just your son’s immediate family. Give them the best chance, they will appreciate you setting your own feelings aside and being happy for them.

friendlycat · 17/02/2025 00:33

Your son is 26. He hasn’t discarded you, he got married.
The language you are using is extremely dramatic and perhaps indicative of other issues.

Travellingwithacarpetbag · 17/02/2025 00:36

MuddyPawsIndoors · 16/02/2025 23:58

Yes, the jump to 'we' was quite telling there.

And I'm cringing that the OP asked if she was pregnant.

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Well, it was her son she was talking to, not just polite chit-chat with an acquaintance…

I know two couples who found themselves unexpectedly pregnant and who married shortly afterwards, before the births of their children. Both within the last few years so it still happens a fair bit I’d say.

OneLemonDog · 17/02/2025 00:36

Reading your most recent post, he did the right think not telling you in advance. No chance would you have accepted he and his wife were doing the right thing for them.

Fencehedge · 17/02/2025 00:39

Your husband is not helping, he's wrong and being unpleasant. Don't allow him to wind you up. You weren't discarded, it wasn't an invite event.

MumonabikeE5 · 17/02/2025 00:40

I think it is reasonable to be feeling up set. I would.
but I also think you need to be gracious and enthusiastic, your son is married! He’s happy! He has found the love of his life and wants to formalise that before beginning the next stage of life!
so make sure the next time you call you tell him how happy you are that they are so happy together, because I suspect that part might have got lost in the shock!

Ricottaplease · 17/02/2025 00:40

What on earth?? All these I'd be totally cool with it man must have terrible relationships with their children. Either that or they're lying to seem cool or just to cause drama. Maybe both.

If DS wanted a small wedding, fine. If he wanted just him and his DW and some witnesses, fine. But to deliberately exclude him mother from even knowing about it? To do it in secret and then drop it on her that he didn't want her there? That's utterly disrespectful and intentional hurtful - and he would have absolutely known how heartbroken she'd be. OP, I'd be devastated too - not because I wasn't invited but because I'd wonder what I did to raise such a thoughtless, selfish dickhead.

His 'wishes' are one thing, thinking of no one one but himself shows how self-involved he is. OP is allowed to feel anyway she likes, everyone claiming they would be 'so happy' if their child did this are full of it.

Aqz · 17/02/2025 00:42

OP, of course you are shocked and upset.

However, take pause and reflect on what your sons have said.
If he is less worry to you now, run with it.

When you have worried and supported for so long, it can be hard to switch it off.
Its called trauma bonded!

Have a cry, dust yourself down and take this as a win that he is doing better.
Well done you for getting him through everything.

I do understand