To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

It was my post, I think. That might have been a contributing factor as well. It just made it all easier to keep it quiet until after the fact. I know you're upset, and your feelings are valid. It's just not appropriate to push those feeling onto others. They are yours to deal with.

I totally get it OP, I would be sad too.

My sister eloped, she'd had it planned for months as well and only told us a week after the event.

That's the thing that hurt us the most; we all thought we had a great close relationship and chatted daily on the family WhatsApp group but it was the secret-keeping and not telling us about dress fittings and florist appointments that hurt. It honestly has made me question whether she finds us annoying or embarrassing or toxic in some way.

For context, we would have been delighted if she had wanted a wedding just for the two of them, a registry office or anything at all, as long as we had known beforehand. We're an introverted family so we would have totally understood. It just feels embarrassing and hurtful to be lied to for months when we thought we shared so much.

Well you won't but it would've been the decent thing to do, considering your reply to a PP when you didn't bother reading the OP.

You know this isn't about you right???

It's
Not
About
You

Gosh your dramatic response is probably why he didn't have you all there

OK, but then that confirms your son’s instinct was entirely correct. In order to have the wedding he, even more than his now-wife, wanted, it was imperative not to tell you in advance.

There’s no question of ‘accepting’, OP. These people are adults, making the understandable decision to prioritise their own wishes. If you didn’t have the wedding you wanted, OP, then come to terms with that, rather than trying to persuade they were wrong not to have the wedding you wanted them to have.

@Knju given your updates about her family it makes sense they felt it had to be everyone or no one. If they’d included you and your son’s immediate family she would’ve likely felt the absence of her (apparently abhorrent) family all the more. Not a feeling anyone wants on a day that is meant to be happy. If her friends are the next best thing and oversees then this decision makes perfect sense.

Also asking if someone had gotten married because they’re secretly pregnant is really rude, it’s 2025, not 1955. By asking you’re insinuating it’s a marriage of convenience over one for love.

I get you’re upset but this was their choice, you need to be happy for them and welcome her into your family. Given her history she probably finds it very hard to trust people so it’s no surprise she’s kept you at arms length and your response is doing nothing to change her stance.

You are allowed to feel disappointed and surprised and it can be hard to react with decorum when so shocked. Ultimately you need to apologise for your reaction, congratulate them and move forward.

It may well just be that she didn't feel she could have his side of the family there without her side but she didn't want her side to be there. I know my friend got married in a similar way because her mother was an alcoholic and she knew she would ruin the day. Obviously they don't think you would ruin the day but they might have worried in case her family heard about it and disrupted it.

I think all you can do now is say that you found it a big shock and unexpected and so on but that you would love to celebrate their marriage (rather on wedding) with them and would they like to come for a special meal at your house? Then if they do come, give them champagne, ask them about the wedding and just have a nice night. It's all you can do really, just make the most of things and don't let this get into a bigger problem than it is.

This.

Also you really need to phone him back and apologise - celebrate by cooking them a lovely meal to enjoy together or taking them out for dinner, and let them both know how happy you are for them.

Don’t F this up as it will have lasting consequences if you get it wrong….

or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally

There is no “we” - it was their choice and they didn’t want to.

I think your reaction is entirely understandable, but I also think you need to accept how your son and his new wife chose to begin their married life together.

You could really redeem this situation by throwing a small celebration for them, even if it's just a family dinner with toasts to the bride and groom.

I totally understand I would be beyond devastated. It's unforgivable obviously I would never not talk to my child but it would always be a hurt .if they wanted small fine without siblings fine but without your parents especially your mum totally wrong I will never know because thankfully while my children have never had large expensive weddings I was always there. he obviously knows he hurt you by saying I hope you get over it .

You're really that ashamed of being married that you daren't even tell your own family? Wow that's crazy

This. Just apologise for crying - say it was a shock but you’re happy for them. Weddings are stupidly expensive and a total nightmare. They’ve been sensible

@MuddyPawsIndoors I haven't said anything nasty to anyone so you must've mixed up usernames.

Yes, the jump to 'we' was quite telling there.

And I'm cringing that the OP asked if she was pregnant.

Why did you interpret this as shame? You can't imagine any other reason?

'Unforgivable' - really!?

Sorry you're disappointed in your ds's decision. I am sure they didn’t elope to hurt you, or anybody else.

She's estranged from her family because her brother died and her parents told her they wished it was her. If there was ever a good reason for an estrangement, that would be it. That doesn't mean she's an unreasonable person. You're speaking as though you have some sort of inside knowledge into this situation, but you don't.

"what a horrible little..."
"That BOY"

^ about the OPs very much adult son.

And called another poster vile all because you didn't read properly. If that's not the definition of nasty you must be using a very lenient dictionary.

If you think your words weren't nasty, when (let's face it) you were completely wrong, then I despair.

What a horrible thing to say. This BOY invited his dad & step siblings but left his mum out, it's insidious. You've zero proof or evidence that OP 'deserves' this in any way. Talk about kicking a woman when she's down. Vile

You could even say your reply (which at least I did you the courtesy of reading) was 'vile'.

I clearly didn't read it all. if later your daughter inlaw offered for you to be there that says a lot about her and how willing she was it's your son who was excluding you .but I suppose nothing can be done but I can definitely agree with you being devastated

It's absolutely no-one's business!
I have a cousin that got a girl pregnant at 17, they stayed together for the kid, then they stayed together for each other, they told everyone they didn't want to spoil anything by getting married, then they got married and didn't tell anyone for years. They're grandparents now.
Honestly makes me tear up thinking about them.

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. I think what they did was fine, absolutely their choice to do it that way but to tell you in a phone call with no inkling beforehand was thoughtless and not surprisingly resulted in you getting upset at him due to being in total shock. If you had had some warning you would have had a chance to get your head together before you spoke to them (and more chance of keeping your emotions under control).

pp also couldn't be more wrong.

OP posted soon after that her son's wife offered a registry office wedding with his parents there and it was HIM that said no.