To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

People shouldn't have called you nasty, but I can definitely read between the lines of your posts and can spot some red flags there. You tend to analyse/scrutinise things (they were dressed up, they seem to have spent money for their hotel stay, asking if she's pregnant!!! Jesus Christ) so, again gently and respectfully, I have a feeling that you might indeed be a bit overbearing. The fact that you mention his wife "is nice enough", you asked whose choice it was to marry in secret etc, I'm sorry OP but as I said there's a few red flags there and while I'm sure you mean well it does all read a bit overbearing. Maybe it's just my emotional baggage but I do think I can spot a controlling mum in the wild quite easily as I've had plenty if exposure to one! Again my mum's constant line is she means well, and I'm 100% sure she does, but...

Try to get over it, it really was not about you. It's their wedding.

I am upset at the comments calling me nasty, domineering

No one is saying that. You maybe hurt by a few comments, but you are hurting your son and his wife by your comments.

They have a lasting impact and you can’t take it back. To suggest she’s pregnant, and therefore forcing the wedding is ridiculous- they booked it back in October - and so what if she is pregnant, surely a baby would be pleasant news?

All you needed was congratulations and now you are driving them away.

They got married, they didn’t harm anyone, didn’t commit a crime, nothing has really changed. If you don’t back up - you’ll miss all the miles stones in their relationship.

Oh god no, please no. Please tell me you didn't say all of this on that call?

Dear lord, I fully expect them to distance themselves from you. Each post you make paints you in an even worse light than the previous.

You never ask if someone is pregnant, you wait for them to tell you. No wonder he was horrified. That was so out of order of you.

Also, you asking if eloping was down to her, just shows you up as being a shitty MIL. I bet DIL will want very little, if anything to do with you again.

In real life, you're likely intolerable to her.

Well if the wedding is anything to go by - the bride not wanting any family at the wedding (and not even wanting an actual wedding!) because of her issues with her family, there's a chance that the OP and her family may be kept away from other milestones too!

.

Haven't RTFT so unsure if this has already been mentioned but she's likely keeping you at arms length because the poor girls already been rejected by one family she doesn't want to be rejected by another.

Good for them. It's about them, not you even though you seem to be making it all about you with your subsequent replies.

Honestly, probably not.

He said she 'offered' to get married in the registry office in our town with us but he refused and said it was 'all or nothing' a big party for all or just the two of them. He said her friends are like her family which honestly I can empathize with but if I knew before they were married that she had been even halfway willing to do something in our town with us there I obviously would have encouraged that!

Sorry I had quoted a post asking if I would have accepted the plan of I'd known beforehand but the quote got deleted

No one has called you nasty, so is itself a bit of a red flag when added to

I have never been one to conceal my feelings I don't think it's realistic of me to just react with platitudes

His partner (wife!) is nice enough, I have said before she has been really good for him, she is sometimes difficult to read though, she's polite but doesn't really share a lot.

I was all ready to make her part of our family but she seems to like to keep us at arms length.

Mumsnet is the wrong place to ask this! Of course you’re upset. I would be too. However if you want to maintain a relationship with him you’re going to have to let it go. I really feel for you though.

I honestly just don't feel this as a parent. I don't look at my son and think about his wedding day. I do hope that he finds a life partner, has children (if he wants them), and so on. But that he has this big day we all have to participate in, no, I don't feel that at all

I under that you’re disappointed, but their wedding is not about you. You need to respect their wishes at the end of the day. They’re not obliged to consider anyone else’s feeling regarding how they want to marry.

No one has called you nasty

A couple of posters earlier tn the thread did, but it’s a long thread so not surprising people missed it.

Just pointing that out so nobody thinks OP is misinterpreting anything.

YABVU I'm afraid rather than insist on their day being about you you should've congratulated him, offer to take the newly weds out for dinner and get them a fabulous wedding present

OP, they’ve only been together 2.5 years. It’s gonna take time to build a close relationship with her. But they’re married now so you have the rest of your lives to do that. Don’t take this marriage ceremony to heart. It’s about them, not you.

I had a dysfunctional upbringing. Although nothing as bad as your DIL’s. I also married into a very close knit family. It was very hard to begin with. I found them all quite intense, especially my MIL. I had never experienced a close family before and it made be back away into my shell. It freaked me out.

I’m 25 years down the road now and I love my in-laws deeply. It was a bumpy road for a while but we got there and you will too with love and patience (and biting your tongue when needed!)

So this is exactly why your son didn't tell you in advance then. He knew you'd take any shred of opportunity to push what you wanted for them, not what they actually wanted. You've gone the entire thread letting some people vilify the bride online when in actual fact your son was the one who shut down any idea of a wedding and didn't tell you because he didn't want anyone there.

Why should I apologise to anyone??

I won’t be devastated if my children eloped.

They are adults and have choices! They made their choice.

Im more interested in them finding someone kind, considerate and who makes them happy.

Weddings are a legal contract - not a death sentence.

I hope OP you can get on well with new daughter in law, whether they want a meal out or a present etc is, again, up to them but if you wanted to offer that, that may be a way forward.

Good luck.

I said that OP 'sounded nasty now' when she explained her DIL's abusive background and was making digs at her interpersonal style, alongside all the other snideyness about the cost of the hotel etc. I stand by that. I don't do platitudes.

That's exactly why they didn't tell you. Can't you see that?

They didn't want any 'encouragement', they wanted to get married in peace.

you soun very overbearing and hes now told you it was his idea to have noone

poor woman must think she cant win

So she offered to have you there even though she has no family and therefore would have found the whole day quite hard, your son prioritised her feelings on their wedding day and what. Seriously are you saying you would rather have raised a man that prioritised you over his wife on their only wedding day?

Sounds like you did something right and raise a really decent bloke. Be happy with that and reread all the underhand barbed comments about her, the day, the money they spent, unless this is how you want the rest of your lives to look.

The day of their marriage is ONE DAY.

It's also an extremely cruel assumption.

I was once DiL. I was estranged from my father who was a callous, violent and abusive man, and my mother to whom I was very close died unexpectedly and young. I'd sustained devastating losses and a dysfunctional background. I didn't particularly want this amplified by walking into a wedding venue and having little in the way of family there. The loss was much more raw back then and it would have made the day far too poignant and difficult. Added to this was the consideration that DH and I don't even particularly enjoy weddings and are not into big formal parties in the least. We took that decision very much together.

My MiL and SiL, of course, blamed me for the most part and DH faced the tears and emotional blackmail from them, just as OP's son now has. My in-laws didn't give a shit about my potential unhappiness on my own wedding day - the whole thing was just about them and what they felt we 'should' have done. Nor was MiL ever an attentive mother to DH: she'd been known even to forget his birthday as a child, and, since he left home, has only contacted him a few times a year. They were the last people in any position to complain (and were the only ones who did).

I have the utmost sympathy for DiL. Hopefully one day she will be able to look past this callous disregard for her feelings on her own wedding day. I have not. It's not a thing I care to dwell on, but I've never forgotten.

if I knew before they were married that she had been even halfway willing to do something in our town with us there I obviously would have encouraged that!

AKA "I would put pressure on them to do it my way".

With every post, you seem to be explaining why they kept it a secret.

Are you really so blind that you cannot see this?

Oh gosh, you shouldn't have asked if she's pregnant!

When I said I'd be wondering, that's exactly what I'd be doing.

Your son knows you would have encouraged the wedding to be as big as possible. He didn't want that, but didn't trust you to respect their wishes and unfortunately this is the result.