To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

Whilst I understand your disappointment at not seeing your son get married - yabu. He and his wife clearly didn’t want the big fuss of a more traditional or formal wedding - even a small one - and wanted to do things their way, so they did. If they’d told you it was happening you’d have insisted on being there and gradually things would have snowballed into something that wasn’t completely within their control because others would have had opinions and feelings about it. They were entitled to go somewhere fancy and get dressed up and do things exactly as they wanted, you’re going to have to get past it if you want a good relationship with him.

If my kids want to get married that’s fine, as long as they are safe and happy that is my only concern. Inserting myself in to their marriage I would not. If they’re not harming themselves I’ve achieved my primary aim as a parent to raise safe, responsible individuals.

I asked if she was pregnant to which he was fairly horrified and said no.

He insisted it was their joint decision as I asked if 'eloping' was what she had wanted.

I am upset at the comments calling me nasty, domineering, no right to call myself 'mother'.
I feel like I've been extremely patient and gentle with him to my detriment at times, and I have tried my best to get to know his partner.

I can understand you are disappointed, but couples have been doing this forever. It was what they wanted and you should be happy for them. Please don't make this into a drama.

I've just read your most recent post and you come across as insensitive, and are in danger of being "one of those" MILs by insinuating that it was all your DIL's fault.

Genuine question if you have such lovely, kind parents and in-laws who only want what’s best for you why did you not want them there?
Surely it would have made a wonderful day better to be surrounded by those who love you most in the world?
I have adult DC’s who mean the world to me and I would do anything for them. If they didn’t want me at their wedding I would feel like I had failed them in some way.

Maybe it was his idea.

pp's are speculating. No one but them know the actual reason other than the reasons her son said during the phone call which may actually be genuine reasons.

I did the same. Only told my mum months later. Gently, it's not about you.

What’s unkind is wishing someone doesn’t have children. You’ll support that but not me warning the OP that she risks alienating her DS.

We snuck away and got married. We never really get the kids babysat overnight unless we are in labour but organised for family to take them overnight and snuck away to Gretna. We then sent pictures etc to tell family- they were so happy for us and understood why we did do it in secret. We didn’t want a big fuss, couldn’t justify spending a fortune on a wedding. To us, it was about being married and not about a wedding. We came home and our family had managed to get a cake made, balloons etc despite only having found about the wedding less than 24 hrs before.

You are not unreasonable to be upset. But YABU to be looking at what they spent and to be brooding on it.

''I asked if she was pregnant to which he was fairly horrified and said no.''

Seriously OP you are completely out of order with this one and you need to back off.

The OP's son's new wife is not sounding much like she wants to be part of the OP's family. I'm under the impression that because she has a fractured family herself, that she is determined to make sure her husband (the OP's son) is distanced from his family.

If it had been a man doing this to a woman, people on here would be crying 'controlling' and 'manipulative' and urging the OP to get her adult daughter away from this man who encouraged her to have a wedding away from his family, just because he doesn't get on with his.

I honestly don't understand, why hurt?

Agree with this.

I don’t think you’re wrong to be upset, but with each of your updates it’s becoming clearer and clearer why they may have wanted to keep it just them.

So why are you weeping down the phone at him, and starting threads on the internet to try to drum up support for you view that you’re an appallingly mistreated woman?

Yes, you never ask if the reason for a marriage is that a woman is pregnant. That is absolutely none of your business.

Upset about not knowing about a wedding / not being invited is one thing. Wanting to know about potential reproduction is a massive overstep.

Except no one knows that is actually true. It's an assumption several pp's have jumped to and nothing else.

It's more likely that it's exactly what OP's son said to her, that they made the decision together.

No. I really wouldn't.

So do your family not know you are married?

MuddyPawsIndoors

Devastated means destroy or ruin, and also overwhelming shock or grief.

For me personally, such an act would be a complete shock.

Of course, the news of illness would be a great deal worse but we are not talking about illness, we are talking about being left out of an event which is very often a whole family one. Some of us would find this harder than others would.

I hope the OP will have a good relationship now with her son and new daughter in law. And move on. But it doesn't mean she didn't feel really shocked and sadened about it. I find it very hard not to cry when I am upset.

Of course the new daughter in laws back story is really awful and terrible, and even more devastating.

Agreed, especially this

I have never been one to conceal my feelings I don't think it's realistic of me to just react with platitudes

Sounds like he knew there would be drama if it was not to OP liking and so opted for this way to keep in to what he wanted. Blaming his wife and asking about pregnancy is really out of order. Lots of couples are going for micro weddings and I dont blame them. Some of my friends told me their daughters wedding cost more than my annual salary.

Is anyone else imagining OP as Pam, from Gavin & Stacey? No idea why..

We went away and got married. It’s not that we didn’t want all of our family there- but we didn’t want the fuss and expense of a wedding. I had 4 children when I got married and absolutely couldn’t justify spending thousands on what is essentially a party. The money we saved paid for a huge Disney trip with the kids. I also knew the kids would find it such a long, boring day. Up until then, we hadn’t had a childfree night except when I was in labour- so it was so special for it to be “just us” for 24hrs. And the kids loved the novelty of having a big sleepover, happy meals etc with their aunties. I have another relative who did the exact same on a beach in thailand and sent us all the video and nobody was upset or felt they needed to be there. I think it’s down to what suits the couple and I would hate for my own children to have their day be something that was to cater to other people’s wants rather than exactly what they wanted.

Don't be dramatic, nothing the OP.has said indicates he's being forcefully distanced from his family. No idea why you think the new wife is "determined" in any way.

The wedding choice was joint.. even the OP.said so. If a man had come on here and said "my fiancée and I both agree we want to get married without friends and family but my mum is going to take it badly" you'd get everyone telling him that his mum needs to chill out, it's not her wedding, do what makes them happy etc.