Page 14 | To be upset son got married without me there?

toastedcrumpetsrock · 16/02/2025 23:16

I would be really upset too, I'm sure your tears were shock as well as upset as there was no engagement or clue that they were thinking of marriage. However it's done now so you will just have to be positive and supportive going forwards

MuddyPawsIndoors · 16/02/2025 23:16

NotMuchOfABargain · 16/02/2025 23:10

Well this method has hardly brought him joy either.

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How do you know that?

The OP saw the photos of them smiling and looking very happy on their wedding day.

If anyone's pissed all over the cake, it's the OP.

But at least she got to do that after the wedding, which is why they'll have kept it from her on the run up.

JustMyView13 · 16/02/2025 23:16

MJconfessions · 16/02/2025 23:08

I think loads of people on this thread are tone deaf.

The bride’s family told her they wished she died instead of her sibling. So not only has she experienced death of her sibling which is crushing in itself; her own family were actively not supportive and wanted it to be her.

I can’t begin to imagine how that may feel. That is deep rejection and must be traumatic. There’s no perfect way for someone to come to terms with that.

Chances are that the groom’s family at her wedding would only serve as a reminder of everything she doesn’t have; she would have been put on the spot when someone inevitably asks why her family isn’t there. Explaining complex dysfunction like what she experienced isn’t the kind of thing that goes down well at a wedding!

The couple obviously had the wedding that felt right for them and that was likely the least stressful for them. Something on their terms, that they would have fond memories about.

I get that it’s disappointing to not be invited but it’s not about you. You’re not the priority here.

I think this likely sums up the situation the bride & groom faced.

BellissimoGecko · 16/02/2025 23:17

I'm not surprised you're upset, OP, especially when you thought that you and your son had such a close bond.

It is right for them to have the wedding they want, but it would have been much better if they had felt able to tell you about it beforehand.

I'd ring them and have an honest chat with you soon. Say you were shocked, sorry if you shocked him with your tears, but you loved him and hoped to be part of his wedding. Offer to take them for lunch to celebrate.

halfpastten · 16/02/2025 23:17

OP you have my total sympathy. Like you I would be so upset. Bursting into tears is a natural reaction. You sound like a lovely person and a great mother. You didn't deserve that. But it's done now and, yes take them out for a meal, get some champers and move forward.

Cattreesea · 16/02/2025 23:17

It's their life and their choice.

The fact that she is estranged to her family probably played a big part in their decision.

This was not done to spite you and is not about you.

Crying is rather over the top...I would call him to apologise and say that you were just taken by surprise and hope you can all have a nice dinner to celebrate.

Making a huge fuss about it is really not fair on them...They are happy together and that is the most important thing. It sounds like she has had her fair share of family trauma and the last thing she needs is her MIL causing more drama.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 16/02/2025 23:18

mummytalking · 16/02/2025 23:12

It's not about being tone deaf. Yes it's awful what happened to her but does that mean her partner needs to now exclude his own family from every big event in their lives? It seems they are being penalised for actually being in his life.

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This. ^ Is it always going to be about the OP's son's partner/new wife and what SHE wants? I understand she had a rough time/rough life maybe, but it's not fair for the OP and her family to be excluded from everything in her son's life, because it's triggering for his wife. No way can this work long term. I certainly would never have excluded MY family from stuff because my partner/DH felt bothered/triggered by things. He would have had to learn to deal with it, or we would not have stayed together.

UnimaginableWindBird · 16/02/2025 23:19

NotMuchOfABargain · 16/02/2025 23:07

In many cultures, a wedding is also about joining two families and coming together. It definitely isn’t just about the bride and groom! Though I accept in the UK, that the ‘their wedding, their choice’ mindset prevails and there has been a big change over the years.

Except that in this case, it can't be about joining two families, because the bride doesn't have one. OP hasn't seemed particularly keen on welcoming her new DiL into the family either, so that would probably be a good place to start.

I think there's a big difference between getting married and having a wedding. My family doesn't really do weddings - my grandmother had a proper big family church wedding in the 1930s, but my parents had parents only in a registry office and none of our siblings invited each other to our weddings, which ranged from a phone call the next day to let the parents know, to one parent each witnessing the marriage with a handful of people joining the couple for a meal afterwards. My aunts and uncle were similarly low-key in their marriages. Weddings are important to some families, but not others.

Silvertulips · 16/02/2025 23:19

Poor girl has been rejected by her family.

You can prove her right and reject her again or you can make her feel welcome.

You can’t hide your feelings? Why not? That’s what parents do!!

ItGhoul · 16/02/2025 23:20

Chuchoter · 16/02/2025 21:35

I'm very close to my children and if one had said they wanted a no fuss wedding with no guests then they would have had my full support and respect.

To just do it and then tell me afterwards would have been hurtful.

I get the impression that they didn’t tell the OP in advance because they knew they wouldn’t have her full support and respect, though.

If she was the kind of person who was going to be understanding about a no-guests wedding, I imagine they would have told her.

Acc0untant · 16/02/2025 23:20

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 16/02/2025 23:18

This. ^ Is it always going to be about the OP's son's partner/new wife and what SHE wants? I understand she had a rough time/rough life maybe, but it's not fair for the OP and her family to be excluded from everything in her son's life, because it's triggering for his wife. No way can this work long term. I certainly would never have excluded MY family from stuff because my partner/DH felt bothered/triggered by things. He would have had to learn to deal with it, or we would not have stayed together.

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And yet they still didn't get an invite so maybe OP's son wasn't fussed for them to be there either? He could have told them in advance if he wanted to but chose not to. He was obviously happy with the decision him and his wife made.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 16/02/2025 23:20

LtJudyHopps · 16/02/2025 23:16

If she’s estranged from her family I would put money on that being why they did it. I would stop making it about you or you’ll lose your close relationship.

I’m engaged. I lost my mum nearly 18 months ago. I can not imagine a wedding without her and don’t want to. I’ve suggested eloping to my fiancée but he doesn’t want to do that to his parents. That’s fine, I respect that but it means I won’t be getting married any time soon. So they won’t get to see a wedding either way.

I'm sorry you lost your mum, but you are being very unfair to your partner. So you're saying unless you can have it your way, you won't be getting married? That is very unfair on your partner. (AND his family.)

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 16/02/2025 23:21

Acc0untant · 16/02/2025 23:20

And yet they still didn't get an invite so maybe OP's son wasn't fussed for them to be there either? He could have told them in advance if he wanted to but chose not to. He was obviously happy with the decision him and his wife made.

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Was he happy with it though? I have my doubts.

Fencehedge · 16/02/2025 23:22

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 16/02/2025 23:18

This. ^ Is it always going to be about the OP's son's partner/new wife and what SHE wants? I understand she had a rough time/rough life maybe, but it's not fair for the OP and her family to be excluded from everything in her son's life, because it's triggering for his wife. No way can this work long term. I certainly would never have excluded MY family from stuff because my partner/DH felt bothered/triggered by things. He would have had to learn to deal with it, or we would not have stayed together.

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You don't decide how to get married just to make your MIL happy, for one.

showmethegin · 16/02/2025 23:22

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway

You're making it all about the new DIL. Like it's her fault. Shock horror maybe the OPs son gives a shit about his wife's feelings and wanted her to have the best day she possibly could. Bearing in mind it's his and her wedding day and no one else's.

This is exactly where DIL and MIL shit starts. Blaming the woman as usual when the man has made this choice.

How many threads are on this website a day bemoaning husbands that are physically incapable of sticking up for their wives over their mothers? Then this guy does and people are all poor poor MIL. Having a wedding day full of his family when she has none sounds bloody horrible for her.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 16/02/2025 23:22

It's not personal. If they had invited all their mates to the hotel etc I could see why you were upset, but it was just the two of them.

I love that they did this. A really simple wedding. No-one does that these days and there is something so authentic about the simplicity. I don't get why people spend thousands on weddings. Good for them. You should be proud that you raised a sensible young man.

IntermittentStream · 16/02/2025 23:22

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 16/02/2025 23:21

Was he happy with it though? I have my doubts.

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Why doubts? I got married about my parents there and had a lovely, low-key ceremony, just as we wanted.

user2848502016 · 16/02/2025 23:23

YABU sorry but it's up to them if they just wanted to "elope"
Get over it

Acc0untant · 16/02/2025 23:23

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 16/02/2025 23:21

Was he happy with it though? I have my doubts.

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Why? Because that's how you would feel? Nothing the OP has said has indicated her son felt forced into wedding choices he didn't want.

Rosesanddaffs · 16/02/2025 23:23

Knju · 16/02/2025 22:46

It's a no go topic with them really.

Once when I asked my son alone he said when her brother died her parents said they wished it was her and that just summed up the whole thing really, she hasn't spoken to them since she moved out a couple of weeks after she turned 18.
I was all ready to make her part of our family but she seems to like to keep us at arms length.

They've been together 2.5 years.

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Well she’s part of your family whether you like it or not.

Your son is an adult and they both chose how they wanted to celebrate their day.

It’s not about what you want and crying down the phone to him when he’s happy is just crap, stop making it about yourself and be happy for him.

PrivacyScreen · 16/02/2025 23:23

Knju · 16/02/2025 21:24

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

I haven't read the 300 or so replies, so don't know how this going. But 25 years ago we went to a registry office with 2 witnesses. I have never regretted it. Just didn't want a want the fuss, the big do etc

lifeonmars100 · 16/02/2025 23:23

Be proud you have raised an independent son who knows what he wants. I can understand that you feel disappointed but in your shoes I would never ever let him know. Just be happy for them, they have done what suited them and their lives

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 16/02/2025 23:24

Fencehedge · 16/02/2025 23:22

You don't decide how to get married just to make your MIL happy, for one.

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Who said you do? I certainly never did.

MJconfessions · 16/02/2025 23:24

mummytalking · 16/02/2025 23:12

It's not about being tone deaf. Yes it's awful what happened to her but does that mean her partner needs to now exclude his own family from every big event in their lives? It seems they are being penalised for actually being in his life.

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No, that’s just you being dramatic.

OP has not been excluded from “every” big event. OP has described his wedding, we don’t know what may happen in future.

If your view is that OP has been penalised for being in his life, then you sound immature and like you lack life experience. If the bride is a victim of an abusive family, making her feel comfortable on her own wedding day is not “penalising” others. It’s not about the others, they are not the priority here. She is, it’s her wedding day. She comes first.

Ultimately her husband has a voice too and made the decisions he did. His family needs to respect that. If his family are overbearing it suggests that is part of the reason they weren’t invited too.

Hwi · 16/02/2025 23:24

Knju · 16/02/2025 21:54

She doesn't have any family she is estranged from them so they could have done something with us without being obligated to invite anyone else.

He said she has a lot of friends living abroad who they would have felt they had to host a decent weekend for if travelling for a wedding, and it would be difficult where to draw the line...it all felt full of weak reasons really

I have never been one to conceal my feelings I don't think it's realistic of me to just react with platitudes

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Now you disclosed the most important bit of info - she is estranged from her family, so she does not have a problem estranging him from his - clearly it was her idea not to invite his family as it would make her look weird with absent parents. So you can relax - it was not his idea, he was clearly manipulated - men are stupid and so easy to manipulate, it is sad.