To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

They did what they wanted. They just wanted it to be themselves and to be with each other. There's a cost of living crisis it's not a great way to start married life in debt because of a fancy big wedding. A lot of couples say they get fed up of their families interfering with plan's and just want to cancel the wedding and elope. I can't say I blame them.

Good for them. I did exactly the same. I couldn't bear to have any fuss, expense or attention. Just be happy for them.

It isn't bridezilla to not let others dictate what kind of wedding you have.

It looks like he didn't tell her for good reason. I bet he expected this reaction.

I've one dd and if she did that I'd be upset and probably hurt. But I'd also be proud that she did it the way she wanted and was fair, as in didn't invite anyone. It sounds like a bigger wedding might have been difficult for your DIL and your son sounds respectful and understanding.

It's done now, so it's your choice whether you want to embrace them as a married couple or create a drama and risk not seeing them. I know what I'd do.

Not surprised you’re upset. I would have been. It would have been different if he told you beforehand but it was a shock so who can blame you for crying. I don’t think youve done anything wrong. Maybe just send him a text saying ‘sorry it was a bit of a shock but I’m really happy for you both let’s have lunch to celebrate soon’ .

Did she only tell you after the wedding?

Yanbu I’d be shocked and disappointed. Different if you are estranged but if that’s not the case what an incredibly selfish and thoughtless thing to do. You’ve raised your son, been a good parent and he couldn’t even give you the respect of offering you a place at his wedding. What an utter disgrace. I would have a very low opinion of them both from now on.

I think loads of people on this thread are tone deaf.

The bride’s family told her they wished she died instead of her sibling. So not only has she experienced death of her sibling which is crushing in itself; her own family were actively not supportive and wanted it to be her.

I can’t begin to imagine how that may feel. That is deep rejection and must be traumatic. There’s no perfect way for someone to come to terms with that.

Chances are that the groom’s family at her wedding would only serve as a reminder of everything she doesn’t have; she would have been put on the spot when someone inevitably asks why her family isn’t there. Explaining complex dysfunction like what she experienced isn’t the kind of thing that goes down well at a wedding!

The couple obviously had the wedding that felt right for them and that was likely the least stressful for them. Something on their terms, that they would have fond memories about.

I get that it’s disappointing to not be invited but it’s not about you. You’re not the priority here.

Well this method has hardly brought him joy either.

Yes, that’s very likely.

Can you really not imagine why his mum was upset that he hadn't invited her to his wedding? Really?

NotMuchOfABargain · Today 23:08

pollyglot · Today 23:05
My DD got married in another country, an easy flight from here. I was not invited because her fiance's parents could not be there owing to ill health.They had two friends as witnesses, a few work colleagues invited to a champagne party, and sent photos - DD is absolutely beautiful, and looked divine in her pictures. I was terribly disappointed but said nothing. Sent a huge bouquet of cream roses, and some lovely gifts. They chose what they wanted, and that's fine.

Did she only tell you after the wedding?

No, I was invited to go over and help her choose earrings and a headpiece a few weeks before the wedding.

It's not about being tone deaf. Yes it's awful what happened to her but does that mean her partner needs to now exclude his own family from every big event in their lives? It seems they are being penalised for actually being in his life.

This. ^

Thry did exactly what was right for them and what made them happy. It's not about you.

If his wife is estranged from her family, I completely understand why this way would have been preferable for her too.

I think you owe your son and apology.

The alternative is harm your relationship with him but your choice.

Maybe she couldn't help crying??

I think they weren't told in advance because they would have obviously had pressure put on them to change their minds/guilt trips which would have tainted it for them. The OP would have offered the same solutions straight away as she's mentioned in her post and that would have started it all off.

I can understand the shock and I think I might be privately hurt, but I would understand that's about me. For them - this was the right decision I'm sure and they are happy.

Like I said, I bet he isn't surprised at the reaction. I'm sure he's perfectly happy that he and his wife had the wedding that they wanted.

With your update on her family it makes even more sense why they chose to do it the way they have.

No one is saying it's wrong for you to feel a little disappointed but it sounds like he has prioritised the feelings of his new wife, exactly as it should be.

Please don't make it about you. If you are a close family as you say, this decision wasn't made because of you, or because they wanted to hurt you. You making dogs about the hotel "looking expensive" is snide. They are grown ups and are entitled to spend their money as they choose. Unless they stayed in a suite in the savoy, it's still cheaper than most weddings and still their choice.

Celebrate it and send them a bottle of champers to the hotel. See them when they get back and have a meal with them. This is happy news even if you didn't get to watch the ceremony itself.

Can I just ask @Knju, had you known beforehand, would you have accepted it was just going to be the two of them and two random strangers as their witnesses?

I would be upset too but it's silly. They wanted it just the two of them that's what they had

I completely understand your reaction and respect that you didn't shy away from your true feelings on this. Your son knows you best and he knows you'll have had this reaction and it's probably why he didn't say anything. But now is the time to pick up the phone and say sorry, that you're strong reaction is because you love them both and would have welcomed an opportunity to celebrate this with them and leave it at that and perhaps get them a wedding gift What's done is done now so try and find a positive way forward to welcome your dil into the family

If she’s estranged from her family I would put money on that being why they did it. I would stop making it about you or you’ll lose your close relationship.

I’m engaged. I lost my mum nearly 18 months ago. I can not imagine a wedding without her and don’t want to. I’ve suggested eloping to my fiancée but he doesn’t want to do that to his parents. That’s fine, I respect that but it means I won’t be getting married any time soon. So they won’t get to see a wedding either way.

There are many reasons why this can make perfect sense; you've already mentioned step-parents, which can cause all sorts of issues, plus the cost, I don't blame them, however sad you may feel. Better to put the money towards a house.

*making digs