To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

Looks like I'm the only one agreeing with OP. It's a wedding day and although yes, it's about the couple, I think a certain amount of respect towards the parents is expected? He knew about it, booked in October and said nothing. It wasn't a spontaneous decision. Ok she hasn't got anyone on her side because they have a fractured relationship but does that mean that he has to remove his family from a special event for that reason? I lost my father when I was young, doesn't mean I didn't want my FIL there to make me feel better.

I was all ready to make her part of our family but she seems to like to keep us at arms length.

Op you are in danger of loosing your son if you are not nice to your DIL.

It would have been no good of them just inviting you because you would have just asked them to invite your other (step?) children. Things would have grown. It is not what they wanted.
You were already in your first post trying to suggest alternatives weddings. Clearly you wanted input. It was not your wedding. You have already had 2 weddings and presumably done what you wanted. Just accept this was what they wanted.

No, it's not just you who is agreeing with/supporting the OP. I'm on her side too.

I know but OP is allowed to feel upset about it. I do agree with everyone who says she needs to call the couple back once she’s recovered from the initial shock.

Their wedding, their choice. Also, they were engaged. They were engaged from the day they decided to get married to the day they got married, they just didn't go public about it.

I'd be very disappointed if my dc did this to me, and more so if they didn't feel they could tell me in advance of their plans - but I wonder if they kept it secret for the very reason they knew you would react badly?

It really is their choice, not yours. They don't owe you a wedding, they didn't even have to get married at all. They could even have married and not told you. Your son doesn't owe you just because he and you were alone for 10 years.

I feel for you, but please try to let your anger go and apologise unreservedly if you want to keep a good relationship with them both.

My parents hosted (i.e. paid for) our wedding over 30 years ago. Overall it was a great experience and one I remember fondly but both parents put their foot in at some point and made it about them, rather than me / us, and I've never forgotten that. Particularly my mother, who upset me a lot on two occasions during the lead up and acted like a bridezilla when I mentioned a couple of things I wasn't 100% happy about - neither were her doing, they were fairly minor blips relating to the service providers but she carried on as if I'd done her a great wrong. I never quite forgave her for her self centred reaction.

That she seems to have absolutely no empathy for her son and his wife's reasons for a private signing, especially given her background as an abused child.

Who says they've welcomed and supported her? OP seems fairly ambivalent towards her anyway.

But inviting them for dinner is also a fairly ordinary non-event. I have dinner with my parents a lot, without needing a particular occasion. I mean, there no need for the OP to wear a fascinator and make speeches or continually break down over the starter.

Call your son back and offer congratulations. Apologise and ask if there is anything they want for a wedding gift. Wish them all the best. This is not about you at all. Love and be happy for your son and his new bride.

The poor girl.

it’s understandable you’re upset, but I think there’s lots of reasons for you to be compassionate about this.

it can be tough for people at the best of times being around someone else’s happy family when your own family is so dysfunctional.

I can imagine the thought of a wedding where the groom’s side is full of family and hers is empty is very tough. It inevitably leads to second cousins asking where her parents are, does she have siblings? Etc etc.

I think under those circumstances, I wouldn’t want to have a big wedding either

I have never been one to conceal my feelings I don't think it's realistic of me to just react with platitudes

Your doing exactly what they didn’t want, making a wedding about other people, not just the couple.

And c’comon be honest, you would never have been happy just attending a ceremony, you would have made them feel like they would have to include you in it all. Your already picking holes and making excuses up to batter them with, the hotel looks expensive…

As for why your DIL is estranged from her family, it is absolutely none of your business. If condition of her being welcomed into your family is to play by your rules she’s probably had a lucky escape.

Yes a parent has a right to feel a little left out, but you’ve intentionally ruined their day by your reaction, you know that and are now trying to justify your behaviour.

I understand why you are upset, but I also really understand your son's point of view. When I got married, I did invite my family, and of course I would do it again...BUT there is a big but. As soon as I said I was getting married people went crazy: where's your fancy dress? Where's the professional make up artist? Have you written a poem for your groom yet? No?? You haven't?? ThatShyScroller are you nuts, you have to get an Excel spreadsheet with aaaaaall the important things that will cost you thousands (sometimes offering to pay, which was even worse) because there's pressure to have a Kate Middleton style wedding here.

I am not suggesting this is the case with you, but perhaps they just didn't want to have any form of pressure or interference. It can be really daunting and annoying for a couple.

Maybe if her in laws weren't taking someone else's wedding so personally there wouldn't need to be a rift in the first place. Or maybe the son also wasn't fussed about having anyone there.

Yes well, I was never one of these bridezilla types either. My guests and families were important. It wasn’t just about me and my husband. Thirty years of marriage later and no regrets.

Anyway, the son needed to tell his mum in advance. That would have softened the blow a little.

I can understand feeling disappointed but their wedding is not about you and, based on her personal circumstances, it's very easy to appreciate why a private ceremony would be right for her in particular.

I do agree that you sound a bit nasty tbh.

I'm not surprised you're shocked and hurt, OP. It's not news you were expecting, and it's not a situation you'd ever anticipated. For what ever reason they chose to get married with no family or friends present. It's what they wanted, and what was easiest for them. Now you have to roll with it. Phone them tomorrow and wish them well. Explain you were taken a back, and now you've had time to digest the information you're happy for them.

Don't offer to take them out for a meal, as others have suggested. They clearly didn't want to celebrate with you.

I'd be wondering if they're expecting a baby. Maybe practice your face for that one if they suddenly announce a birth.

The updates make it pretty clear why the happy couple made this decision. Good for them.

My DD got married in another country, an easy flight from here. I was not invited because her fiance's parents could not be there owing to ill health.They had two friends as witnesses, a few work colleagues invited to a champagne party, and sent photos - DD is absolutely beautiful, and looked divine in her pictures. I was terribly disappointed but said nothing. Sent a huge bouquet of cream roses, and some lovely gifts. They chose what they wanted, and that's fine.

We did this, though we were older with children. When I phoned to tell my mum, dad and in-laws, they were delighted and we later went out for a meal to celebrate. Be happy for them, it’s not that a big deal though I understand why it feels like it.

This is sad for you, OP. It sounds as if making it just about the two of them was easier for your DIL and meant she could think only of the present rather than having a big gap where her parents should have been. I doubt it was about the fuss or the cost of a wedding. It's really unfortunate for you, but I can see why it worked for them as a couple and why your son thought it would be easier to tell you afterwards than beforehand. I don't think you have anything to apologise for, it must have been an awful shock, but I'd think hard about how you move forwards. That's quite some trauma your DIL is dealing with.

I have never been one to conceal my feelings I don't think it's realistic of me to just react with platitudes

I've posted on Mumsnet on a couple of occasions to say that I've realised that the theme of parenting adults is having to hide your feelings. It really is the only way to maintain a relaxed and comfortable relationship with them.

They will of course not reciprocate. They will criticise you, but be furious if you criticise them. They will let you know how they feel if you do something that upsets them, but will resent it if you express upset or disappointment with their decisions.

It's really up to you what path you take. I've chosen to mostly go with keeping things to myself. It's not ideal, but it's working. You can carry on letting them know exactly how you feel about everything they do, but you need to expect some fallout from that. In this situation you really are going to have to need to apologise. Say you were shocked and sad, and couldn't help but cry. But now that you've had time, you recognise that this is what they wanted.

If one of my daughters had done this, I'd have been really disappointed and sad, because I'd not have seen it coming. But I'd have kept it to myself. The other daughter I fully expect to do this one day. And I'd genuinely be happy for her and her partner. They're both introverts and my daughter has anxiety, so a big wedding and being the centre of attention would be a nightmare for her.

I totally understand and would feel the same op but it's it's what they wanted

Ring him back apologise congratulate them and maybe offer to take them out for a meal to celebrate

You get absolutely no say whatsoever in their wedding. Sorry.
Yes, that's understandable to be sad, but you need to get over it sharpish and apologise.

In many cultures, a wedding is also about joining two families and coming together. It definitely isn’t just about the bride and groom! Though I accept in the UK, that the ‘their wedding, their choice’ mindset prevails and there has been a big change over the years.