To be upset son got married without me there?

[Knju]

My 26 year old son has called me and told me he had something to tell me- he got married to his girlfriend on valentine's day. They weren't even engaged so I thought he was joking.
He said they'd spoken about the future as they were looking to buy a house and got approved for a mortgage and decided they wanted to get married so they just went ahead and booked to do it. They apparently booked this in October but never said anything to us, not over Christmas, nothing. They've gone away just the two of them to some hotel and had another couple staying at the hotel as witnesses. He has sent pictures though and they are dressed up.

I've just cried down the phone at him, I just can't believe he'd get married without me, his stepdad and his siblings there. He said he knew I 'might be disappointed' but they didn't want a fuss or to pay for a big wedding. Looking at this hotel though it looks like they have spent quite a bit staying there, if we had known we could have just gone for the ceremony, or if they truly didn't want a big fuss we could have done something small locally. It's not ended well on the phone him saying he hopes I can get over it and be happy for them.

I feel like my reaction is quite normal. AIBU?

And maybe after this update all the people up in arms might understand just how difficult a wedding with his parents present might be, knowing she doesn't have her own there when they have treated her this way.

Exactly. My parents would have loved to slope off and have a solo wedding, but were much more under the parental thumb in 1970. They totally got it.

You sound really nasty now. I recommend you fix your ideas quick before you end up showing them even more of your ass. Unbelievable. That poor girl.

Can’t you try and understand that with such a painful family background, having a wedding day with all her partner’s family and none of hers would be a tangible reminder of everything she’s lost and missed out on? This is her wedding day - not yours. Her happiness comes first.

It's not tit for tat. It seems that the sensible reaction is to treat it as a non-event, just another day in everyone's life.

I'm also confused by all the posters sympathising with the bride for the reason of lack of family on her side. She's estranged from her birth family and decided the best thing to do was ... double down and possibly cause a permanent rift with her in-laws, too!

Doesn’t explain not telling them in advance, though.

Is OP always to be kept at arms length from her son now, just because his wife’s parents are shit? That would be unreasonable, assuming OP isn’t a toxic parent.

This is why I will never tell my mum that I'm married.

I understand being upset, OP. I would be devastated.

I think just move on and enjoy the relationship however it unfolds.

All the best OP.

Why do people keep using the word 'devastated'?

I get some might be really upset but 'devastated'?

It makes me wonder how some would react if he'd phoned the OP and said he had a terminal illness or something.

What about the OP’s post makes her sound nasty? I’m not getting that at all - it just sounded factual.

Doesn’t explain not telling them in advance, though.

No, the OP has explained that already.

'She's not one for hiding her feelings' and also thinks it's ok to cry at him down the phone, so he suitably feels like shit for marrying the woman he loves.

Exactly, nobody has fucking died. My friend's son is currently literally dying of terminal cancer. This 'mother' is making me so angry. Can't see beyond the end of her face.

I don’t agree. I would have thought that she would want to embrace the fact that she was marrying into a family who welcomed and supported her.

@Knju I totally get why you were so upset, I would be too at first. I think your reaction was out of shock and you couldn't hide it

However, you need to quickly rescue the situation and your relationship. Call back and explain it threw you for a loop at first but you are really happy for them and would love to celebrate however and whenever they want to

@FromHere - wow, do you mean you got married 28 years ago and you still haven't told anyone?!

Get over yourself.

You cried down the ‘phone?!

Based on the OP’s response, it’s surely fairly clear why the son chose not to tell his parents in advance. This way, at least the couple had the low-key wedding they wanted.

Agree with this.

What a really cold and unkind comment .

@MumCanIHaveASnackPlease Have some compassion for goodness sake. The OP is clearly very upset. Just because you (supposedly) would be fine with your adult DC popping off to get married without you there, that doesn't mean everyone else should be OK with it..., And a sad and upset mother should be supported, not ridiculed. Your posts are very unkind.

But it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, their registry office appointment, their marriage, their life.

I totally understand how sad you must feel. It must have been a real shock. I think you will have to put a smile on your face , even though you don’t feel like it, and tell your son you’re very happy for both of them.
As the wife has cut herself off from her family, with good reason, you don’t want her to encourage him to do the same to his! Hopefully you can model kindness so that in time she might experience from your family what she didn’t receive from her own.

Why did you get to that?

Why not think that family, hers being clearly toxic, is a painful thing for her so a "just you and me" wedding is the best thing for her?

A lovely family wedding is what the OP has in mind, but to the bride it would be her on her own in a room full of people she doesnt know.

Of course she will protect herself from family, all she knows is that parents etc hurt you.

All the OP has done is make what should have been a happy occasion all about her. The only person ruining her relationship with her son is her, not the new wife or indeed the son.

Why?

The OP and her husband might be a complete nightmare for all we know?

Mumsnet is full of people complaining about their MILs.

I think each individual family dynamic is different so there's no 'I would've thought' about it really.

If the OP's DS and his wife were to start a thread from their point of view, for all you know we might all be in agreement that they did the best thing.

Or we might not, but we'll never know 🤷‍♂️

I can see both sides of this. And it’s because I think people have very different views of what a wedding is about.

on the one hand, Good for them! They saved you a fortune and weddings have got really out of hand. I think people enjoy them a lot less than they admit ( the happy couple and the guests)
i think it’s really romantic.

But weddings can also be about family. People
like to celebrate the big milestones. And it’s a
nice way to welcome each other into each other’s family.

but at the end of the day- it’s up to the couple.

Yeah I am puzzled about that too. OP doesn't sound 'nasty' at all!

Maybe he does not like his stepdad or half-siblings? And he did not want to invite just you and cause the rift between you and your dh?

It isn't about the parents either.