Resenting being left to look after all the kids while they go running

[FoxesFM]

DH and I have 3 couple friends (well my brother/his DW, her brother/his DW and another couple). We all live pretty close to each other, have kids of similar ages and get along well. Of the group, 6 of them are keen fell/trail runners, DH is one of them, I am not and actually hate it. Since mid-last year it's become a bit of thing where the 6 who like running go out on a Sunday afternoon 1/2 times a month and myself and the other friend who doesn't like running stay back with all the kids. There are 9 kids total (7, 7, 7, 5, 5, 5, 4, 3, 3), my brother has a massive house with a large playroom and a sunroom which the kids can run around in, plus massive gardens with tennis court/tree house etc, so we all gather here, even though both brother and his wife go running. Me and my friend are then left with all the kids for anything between 3 and 6 hours (counting for driving to start point, run time and drive back, plus conditions in the winter are slowing them down, especially when they go for the fell running option and end up on icy, windy ridges). When they get back we take all the kids to the pub for dinner, but this can be as late as 6pm on a Sunday!

For a while I didn't mind it, the kids get on well and sort of split into groups and entertain each other, but it is hardly stress free. It has got to the point where I somewhat resent it, the other mum I am with doesn't seem to mind as much and I am happy to do it sometimes, maybe once a month and I'd do it every fortnight if i was at home with my kids while DH was out but being in someone else's house with 9 kids makes it very intense.

I'm often tempted to say I can't do it anymore but i'd feel awful leaving the other mum with 7 kids to look after alone and since they started going together as a group DH has seen a massive improvement in both his health and mental health (he used to get quite depressed), so I don't want to stop him doing this and he does take the kids out on other weekends and the other friends do help us with childcare often.

AIBU to resent this? Should I bring it up or keep going since they do us favours and this is DHs only real hobby?

This
The predominant consideration is whether the balance of child care is not too embalanced

Tongue in cheek .... but clearly the only answer is for you to take up fell running 😂

I think I'd rather have all 9 kids ... alone!
How anyone gets joy from running through mud and up munro's in the cold for hours at a time is beyond me, school cross country on steroids!

If 6 hours feel too long in the winter, ask them to make it shorter /at least sometimes/. Up to them how they manage to make it, lets say, four.

After the day you’ve had, it’s the perfect time to make the request that there’s a 4 hour max during winter. Maybe a longer one every other month (or whatever feels doable for you)
Doesn’t like anyone is wrong or taking advantage really.
In general it sounds like a fabulous set up for kids growing up & it would be a shame to upset the apple cart & lose the whole set up. Most people would give anything for weekly guaranteed child care. Sounds like just a bit of a tweak needed to bring you back from the edge.

Enjoy your wine. 🍷

I’d go with a rotation of all of you !

Given all your updates I have changed my vote to YABU.

Get a good book or bottle of wine for later and suck it up. It sounds like you have a good thing going - so just think of something to cheer you up a bit.

if you dont enjoy it, stop doing it. Its that simple - once every other month, im sure it could be sucked up but twice a month, looking after 9 kids?! I would never do that. I read where you said you get help at school pick up on a Wed so you get a bit of time credited back, but it isnt an equal exchange by any stretch. If I were you, i'd share with husband you would rather it be less regularly or capped at 3 hours & go from there.

After your updates. You have a good deal. The kids ideally all play together but I get it’s harder when cold

you have other mum for company so really only 4/5 kids each

you get the following day /weekend free to see friends and dh has them

wed sil picks them up from school. You and dh get couple time

Haven't RTFT but you seem to have come to a better understanding with your DH now. Sure, plans can go awry, cars break down, weather changes etc but the runners have to bear in mind their fun day out can be your endurance test. Everyone seems to be chipping in, returning favours and so on but not necessarily like for like and 9 excitable kids for 6 hours is too much.

I think if they are planning a longer day, rope in grandparents to be there for half the time.

It actually sounds like a lovely set up but its difficult if you are prone to headaches.

I think I would have a wind down movie suitable for all dc for the last 2 hours.
Have popcorn and blankets set out.
Make it a fun part of the day.

I would suggest you

Set a hard time limit. So you are willing to do up to x hours and they limit their runs

or

Book a babysitter (or two) for the start of the shift, so DH can leave with your kids to go to the big house where he drops the kids, meets up with the other adults and heads off to run. You get a couple of hours at home and then you go over to take over from the babysitter for the last 2 hrs and then all go out for dinner. The couples that dont chip in for babysitting can pay for the sitter, and then everyone shares the cost of dinner.

Who does all the kid crowd control at the pub?

She's not looking after 9 children by herself. She's looking after hers and her 2 nieces for 6 hours twice a month as reciprocation for the 16-20 hours per month that her SIL looks after her two. Other mother is looking after her own three plus 2 more in similar reciprocation. Plus OP gets "repaid" by her DH in equivalent free hours every other weekend.

So, no, it's not an equal reciprocation. OP is taking more than she is giving, for sure.

In fairness, OP recognises that. I don't think her problem is that she feels she's doing more than her fair share, just that she doesn't enjoy doing it. Which is what it is. But if she wants 4 hours every Wednesday and a day every other weekend to herself this is the price she has to pay.

Why are you and your children tagging along - why not stay home and let DH go alone? Then you would only have your own kids to look after.

Because she's reciprocating childcare for her SIL who looks after her children for 4 hours each week (including rushing from school to school under time pressure to do school pickups from multiple schools).

Done kind of compromise sounds good. I Hope they’re paying for your roast dinner as a means of a thankyou!! And that you dump your kids on them once in a while to have some freedom!

Well presumably not OP since she wasn’t there?

do you think if you went to (insert fun hobby - for me insert spa) 1/2 times a month, they would do the same? If the answer is no, then I think you know what to do. If the answer is yes then I’m wondering why you aren’t.

Maybe just ask if they can keep at least every other run to a short run rather than a 6 hour run every time. It’s seems you are getting reasonably fair repayment for it (SIL having kids every Wednesday, DH having kids fairly on other weekends, other couples covering drinks/dinner as repayment). Maybe phrase it as being a bit late
going out for dinner at 6pm on a school night several
times per month.

Sigh. They already do reciprocal childcare.

DH gets a running day twice a month while OP looks after their children, OP gets a day to herself every other week to spa/go out for dinner/see friends/go shopping etc while he looks after their children.

SIL looks after OP's children 4 hours a week while OP gets free time and goes for dinner with her DH, OP looks after SIL's children 6 hours twice a month whilst she goes running.

It's not that the other couples don't do their fair share, they do, I just don't enjoy my part!

Okay, but playing devil's advocate perhaps your DB and SIL don't enjoy looking after your DC for four hours every week. And while the other friends buy you food and drinks as a thank you for babysitting and are happy to do so I doubt 'enjoyment' is the word they would use for dropping that money. They see it as quid pro quo, which tbf you now seem to be saying is the case and arguing against your own OP!

While of course you would be within your rights to refuse to do it anymore, you would have to accept that your DB&SIL would therefore be equally within their rights to say 'Okay fair enough but we won't be having your kids every Wednesday.'

If you are only doing 6hrs a month whereas they are doing 4 hours every week for you then currently you are probably getting the better deal.

Once or twice a month doesn't seem like a huge amount to be fair, particularly if it's your DH's main hobby and you get the same amount of 'free' time back with your DH taking care of the kids.

I think it would be fair enough if you said you were only doing the big 9 kid joint babysitting once a month, and if they want to go out running more often then you'll all have to sort out your individual childcare arrangements (or do a fairer swap alternating between different families, even if it means occasionally one of the runners has to miss out).

Between 6 of them, if they only go out an extra once per month they'd only have to miss out on one or two runs out of 24 a year!

Or they at the very least limit it to 3 hours, which is surely more than enough time. Once the nights get lighter they could do it of an evening after work?

well, if her "fun hobby" is having dinner/date night/couple time with her DH every week then her DB and SIL do the same, in fact they do more, as they have OP's kids every week not just once a month.

She only didn't go this week as she had a headache. She said:-
When they get back we take all the kids to the pub for dinner, but this can be as late as 6pm on a Sunday!

So typically she goes, so typically I wondered who did it.