Resenting being left to look after all the kids while they go running

[FoxesFM]

DH and I have 3 couple friends (well my brother/his DW, her brother/his DW and another couple). We all live pretty close to each other, have kids of similar ages and get along well. Of the group, 6 of them are keen fell/trail runners, DH is one of them, I am not and actually hate it. Since mid-last year it's become a bit of thing where the 6 who like running go out on a Sunday afternoon 1/2 times a month and myself and the other friend who doesn't like running stay back with all the kids. There are 9 kids total (7, 7, 7, 5, 5, 5, 4, 3, 3), my brother has a massive house with a large playroom and a sunroom which the kids can run around in, plus massive gardens with tennis court/tree house etc, so we all gather here, even though both brother and his wife go running. Me and my friend are then left with all the kids for anything between 3 and 6 hours (counting for driving to start point, run time and drive back, plus conditions in the winter are slowing them down, especially when they go for the fell running option and end up on icy, windy ridges). When they get back we take all the kids to the pub for dinner, but this can be as late as 6pm on a Sunday!

For a while I didn't mind it, the kids get on well and sort of split into groups and entertain each other, but it is hardly stress free. It has got to the point where I somewhat resent it, the other mum I am with doesn't seem to mind as much and I am happy to do it sometimes, maybe once a month and I'd do it every fortnight if i was at home with my kids while DH was out but being in someone else's house with 9 kids makes it very intense.

I'm often tempted to say I can't do it anymore but i'd feel awful leaving the other mum with 7 kids to look after alone and since they started going together as a group DH has seen a massive improvement in both his health and mental health (he used to get quite depressed), so I don't want to stop him doing this and he does take the kids out on other weekends and the other friends do help us with childcare often.

AIBU to resent this? Should I bring it up or keep going since they do us favours and this is DHs only real hobby?

Your husband’s health should not be benefited at the expense of yours.

You need paid childcare.

It all sounds pretty fair. Your brother’s wife takes your kids for 3.5hours every week, which combined is more time than you have their kids. That you are in their house is up to you surely but it will save you any tidying up so I’d be ok with that. Your husband gets a lot out of it. It’s only one couple then that doesn’t participate. I think I’d be ok with that. The benefits outweigh the negative for me anyway. It’s totally up to you not to do it but then you would need to stop your husband joining them too. It would be super shit to stay home with your own kids and would effectively be saying to your ‘friends’ I say that because I am pretty sure the friendship would suffer, anyway your ‘friends’ would feel you don’t like their kids and your weekday childcare could get pulled. I know I would if I was your sil.

The little ones, are my niece and the other mums (who is with me) daughter, they know us very well and niece is in her own house.

Her husband is their parent. Of course he has them by himself. I bet he'd never agree to looking after all 9 children with one of the dads for 6 hours because it is far from the same thing.

Ask them to reign in the time and for each runner to chip in £4 or £5 to hire a junior sitter (or “mother’s helper”) to come for 2-3 hours and play games and do crafts with the younger kids. Many 12-13 year-olds could handle that and it will make the time pass much faster for you.

We have a large family with a wide age range and cousins often added into the pack and junior sitters are a godsend. They get experience towards full babysitting down the road (often for us because we get to know and trust them), the kids enjoy having an older kid there just to play with them, and the parents can be around as supervision and backup but get some peace or time to do something else.

The dad's actually had all the kids for 5 days last summer while all the mums went away for the weekend. 2 of the dads (my DH and one of the others) couldn't get annual leave so 2 of the dads were at it alone during the day, the kids had an amazing time, my poor SILs house on the other hand ....

He's only looking after his own kids though, which is what all parents do, not the children from three other families as well

OP have tou thought to the future when the kids are all out trailrunning with them and you have a delighful spa afternoon to yourself. Hang onto that thought to get you through!

I agree, 6 hours is far too long!

Fair enough. Definitely make that a yearly summer thing.

Haha .... how long until that might be!

It sounds like the activities are quite full on. How about agreeing you'll do 3 hours of baking, crafting etc, 1 hour kids free play, and if the runners aren't back by then, a film of a suitable Pixar type goes on and the adults can sit down and be quiet, read or look at their phones?

I think just grin and bear it for now- sounds like a nice set up for all involved especially the kids.
another couple of months (so a few more running Sundays) and the weather should start getting much better again so runs won’t be as long and the kids can get out into the garden more. Also, even the youngest are getting closer to the age where they should start being less clingy/ more able to entertain themselves, especially if outside

And they are also her children.

So him looking after their children one weekend balances out against her looking after their children one weekend.

And her looking after her DB&SIL's children 6 hours twice a month is less than her SIL looking after her and DH's children for 4 hours weekly.

She's able to consolidate her hours which means she's only giving a total of 6 hours a fortnight (same as her DH) to childcare and less than her SIL is giving her.

It's really, really not a bad deal. IMO she either carries on, or opts out completely, which means giving up her free time of an afternoon a week and her day every other weekend.

But basically she's giving 6 hours each fortnight and receiving 14 hours completely free time per fortnight.

Yeah it is much better when they get outside, the older boys go out in the winter too as they don't need supervised as much (they know the rule of no climbing trees without an adult outside.
I just have to remind myself that my kids are lucky to be growing up with friends, treehouses and big gardens to play in.

If you don’t enjoy looking after than number of children for that long that’s fair enough. The first strategy would be to book childcare so you can be in the house but not watching them all the time and see if that helps,

9 kids for 6 hours is basically a school day!

I also think you need to suck it up. You have a great arrangement there going on which allows you time to do things on your own and with your husband when you her to. That type of reciprocal childcare arrangement does require give and take on both sides. So you either suck it up, or find a way to enjoy it at least in part.

What about it don't you like? I always preferred having lots of kids about to just my own because, as you say, they tend to entertain themselves.

Can only speak for some mums as I am a mum. Don't know about dads - don't even know if dh feels the same, tbh

DH isn't doing OP a favour by looking after his own children though. Spending time alone with your children is just part of parenting.

I still think having 9 children for 6 hours (even with another parent) is very different to having a smaller number of children for less hours and I can understand why OP wants to at least ask that it be limited to 4 hours.

I think I'm just being grumpy this weekend as they went out at 10, got back at 4 (they had to reroute a little, stop for a little bit to patch up a cut and then one of the cars got stuck in some mud so they would have been back for 2.30 otherwise) and we had a more stressful than normal day with the kids (2 scrapped knees, boys pestering the girls a little and a lost comfort teddy).

Do you think DH doesn't like his kids then?

It doesn’t sound like you are being taken advantage of in that case. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. But be prepared to lose the favour your SIL is doing you. And the benefits of your kids growing up in a large extended family group.

No fucking way. There's something very self indulgent about these parents who piss off running every weekend leaving their familes at home or wherever. I'd be fuming.

Can't the strategy be that the two of the fathers look after the 9 kids?

None of the men in this group are volunteering to look after 9 kids.