Resenting being left to look after all the kids while they go running

[FoxesFM]

DH and I have 3 couple friends (well my brother/his DW, her brother/his DW and another couple). We all live pretty close to each other, have kids of similar ages and get along well. Of the group, 6 of them are keen fell/trail runners, DH is one of them, I am not and actually hate it. Since mid-last year it's become a bit of thing where the 6 who like running go out on a Sunday afternoon 1/2 times a month and myself and the other friend who doesn't like running stay back with all the kids. There are 9 kids total (7, 7, 7, 5, 5, 5, 4, 3, 3), my brother has a massive house with a large playroom and a sunroom which the kids can run around in, plus massive gardens with tennis court/tree house etc, so we all gather here, even though both brother and his wife go running. Me and my friend are then left with all the kids for anything between 3 and 6 hours (counting for driving to start point, run time and drive back, plus conditions in the winter are slowing them down, especially when they go for the fell running option and end up on icy, windy ridges). When they get back we take all the kids to the pub for dinner, but this can be as late as 6pm on a Sunday!

For a while I didn't mind it, the kids get on well and sort of split into groups and entertain each other, but it is hardly stress free. It has got to the point where I somewhat resent it, the other mum I am with doesn't seem to mind as much and I am happy to do it sometimes, maybe once a month and I'd do it every fortnight if i was at home with my kids while DH was out but being in someone else's house with 9 kids makes it very intense.

I'm often tempted to say I can't do it anymore but i'd feel awful leaving the other mum with 7 kids to look after alone and since they started going together as a group DH has seen a massive improvement in both his health and mental health (he used to get quite depressed), so I don't want to stop him doing this and he does take the kids out on other weekends and the other friends do help us with childcare often.

AIBU to resent this? Should I bring it up or keep going since they do us favours and this is DHs only real hobby?

You need some schedule like this:

1. OP + runner 1
2. other mum + runner 2
3. OP + runner 3
4. other mum + runner 4
5. OP + runner 5
6. other mum + runner 6

It means you and the other mum who now do all the child minding would only have to do it once a month, and the other people rotate so they each miss 1/6 of their runs. Given that you do get childfree time in return (courtesy of DH and SIL) that seems like a reasonably fair arrangement to me.

I wouldn't like all my weekends being scheduled around their runs - what if you want to do something that's on one of the running Sundays -will they switch days?

I did mention that they have actually had all the kids for 5 days (which is probably more stressful as it was around the clock and included bedtime where 4 little girls and 5 little boys were sharing rooms!).

You’re not a martyr for spending time with them, you’re a martyr for suggesting spending a couple of hours on a hobby as a parent once or twice a month is somehow stealing your children’s childhood and should be put on hold until they are 18.

OP - having read more of your updates do you think the problem may be that you are all so tied to this title for tat arrangement that actually it's the fact you can't arrange things outside of this group of 4?

It's the constant being tied to the reciprocal arrangement?

OP did say that 2 of the dads (though not her DH because he couldn't get annual leave) had all 9 kids for 5 days last summer.

I was talking about pp's DH since she seems to think mothers who dare to have hobbies don't like their children but doesn't seem to apply the same to fathers.

They check before hand everyone is free and happy to do it, we don't really do much on Sunday's so it isn't really an issue and on the times where one of the kids have had a birthday part grandparents (my parents, SILs parents or the other mums parents) have helped out by either taking the party kids or staying with the mum who is at the house.

They other two couple (who both run) need to take turns. Which means you only have to do it once a month AND on the week you are not babysitting your children are still cared for if you wish.

TBH I don't really have many other friends around here and those I do, I can meet up with on the weekends DH has the kids.

I think I was just grumpy after a long day, had some wine now and feel much better!

And then OP isn't doing her DH a favour looking after her own children then either. It works both ways!

And SIL does do OP (and her DH) a favour looking after their children for 4 hours a week. And in return OP is doing SIL (and DB) a favour looking after their children for 6 hours twice a month - so considerably less.

OP's family are doing alright out of these arrangements. OP and SIL are doing more than DB and DH, I agree. Whether or not that is reasonable really depends on their respective working hours, and frankly, is up to the couples to work out between themselves.

OP is NOT looking after 9 children by herself.

She is returning her SIL's favour and looking after 4 in the same space as her friend is returning the favour for couple 4 and looking after 5. People keep talking as if OP has 9 children single handed. She doesn't. She's looking after her own children and SILs. Personally I'd find it easier to do 9 between 2 because the ages /genders that OP gave suggested that playing together works best that way. But I guess if she'd find it easier she could just have her own kids plus her nieces at her house, rather than being part of a 9.

Is there a way to make more pleasurable?

Out of curiosity, did the Grandparents help much when the 2 dads had them for 9 days? Or was it all on them?

I think you’ve answered your own question which is to ask that in winter when the children are mostly indoors, to stick to the trail runs and not be longer than 4 hours.
Vent away though, sounds like a long noisy day.

OP what do you actually want here? You do this twice a month, 6 hours is the outlier, they always check in advance everyone is okay with the plan, your SIL returns the favour by having your kids for 4 hours after school every week, the dads all had the kids for 5 full days, your DH makes sure you get a weekend day to do your own thing… I mean surely you understand you can’t take all the favours and not be prepared to give back.

If you don’t want to do it that’s fair enough, but you can’t be allowing your SIL to have your kids every Wednesday either then.

Nope my parents didn't see the kids at all (they were meant to but instead the dads took all the kids to the Science Centre as it was raining), SILs parents were in Mexico!
Frankly the house resembled a bomb site, but they did manage alone.

I never said OP was doing DH a favour. I'm also aware that OP isn't doing it alone but 9 kids is still a lot of kids even with 2 people and I still feel it is different to having less kids for fewer hours in one go.

Can the two couple who have the childcare provided entirely take it in turns to take all the children to the pub for tea after (so just two adults plus all the kids) so they can see what they’re asking of you.

Honestly, I hastily made the post while DH was at the pub with all the kids (I came home as I had a head ache), I was grumpy and tired. Now I've had a few hours to myself and some wine I'm fine ... I just needed to vent!

At some point every one in the group has looked after all the kids with just one other person (or in SILs case alone), so everyone knows what it feels like.

This sounds really quite lovely. I think though that I'd ask for them to consider the 4 hour options as 6 is a long day to be stuck. It's not like you could take them out or anything so it's just being stuck in someone else's house.

However if you start putting boundaries up they will do so as well and then you are all worse off. Sounds like it's all fair with the one couple who has your kids every week and the other couple pays for dinner so no one is really losing out here. Having a lovely afternoon with someone planning activities, children occupying each other, free dinner with no dishes and the mess being cleaned up by someone else sounds amazing.

However of all the options I think I would choose to skip the pub dinner and go home for a couple hours of peace afterwards. That doesn't affect anyone and will give you some breathing space.

I'm honestly super jealous of this setup!

YANBU the seeming assumption that you'll continue to do it as a matter or course, would annoy me.

This is a perfect compromise but it does take the runners to be able to think about others (as you and your group have) and not just impose on them x

It sounds like a pretty good deal you all have together.

I can understand it getting a bit much, but a few more years and the kids will be less reliant or doing their own thing and you will miss it.

Hang in there

6 hours is a long time to be hyper alert because you're caring for other people's children. It's half your weekend. every other weekend. I would be asking if they could keep it down to half a day, four hours max.

Thanks for all the comments guys, had a little chat with DH just as he and the kids got back from the pub and he has said he will mention sticking to less than 4 hours and to trails until the weather clears up.
He said we could always see if the grandparents want to pop in (even just for an hour, to give the kids someone fresh to pester) too.
It is good for the kids though as even though we al live near each other, none of the kids go to the same schools so it's nice for them to have some different friends from their school ones.
I'm less grumpy now!