Valentines date didn't go as planned

[Springsunshine28]

Today was supposed to be special. Since my husband was working yesterday, we planned to celebrate Valentine’s Day today. It was also a big milestone for us because our little one got invited to their first birthday party! I was really looking forward to it—both of us work full-time, so we barely get time together. The plan was to go to the party as a family, then head out for dinner and roam around the city.

Everything was going fine until my husband started looking for the remote control. He’s very particular about where things should be (like the remote always being next to the TV). I was the last one to use it while working out, but I was pretty sure I left it on the sofa. Our kid had been playing with the cushions, so it probably got buried somewhere. My husband was searching for it, getting visibly frustrated, and we were already running late. I told him we could just look for it later, hoping to keep the mood light.

But instead, he got really worked up, saying I always misplace things and bringing up other minor stuff, like pan lids not being in the "right" place. I admit I can be forgetful with small things, but I’m generally organized. I was really trying not to let this ruin the day, but it just killed the vibe.

We got in the car, and I asked him to please not let this ruin the day. But he kept going, and based on past experiences, I knew how this would play out—we’d just end up cold and distant, unable to switch back to being affectionate like nothing happened.

At that point, I lost it too. I told him he didn’t even plan anything for our Valentine’s Day dinner, and all I was asking was for him to not let something as small as a remote control ruin our time together. Honestly, this has always been an issue in our relationship—small things escalating into bigger arguments. And sometimes, I just want to feel special, especially on days that are supposed to be meaningful.

I was so frustrated that I told him to just drop us off at the party and come back later to pick us up.
After the party, he asked me what the plan was. I was still upset, so I told him I’d be going out on my own to the restaurant we were supposed to go to. He just said “okay” and dropped me off at the train station.

Honestly, I feel kind of numb right now—upset, but not in the way I used to be. Before, I’d be really angry, but now? I’m just annoyed and over it. I don’t want to waste the day, especially since I’m all dressed up, so I’m thinking of heading to London for some solo time instead.

Am I being an asshole for doing this?

If you can’t prove it, and it’s on another forum, then don’t mention it here.

Is renolevo the op?? One sarnie short of a picnic lol!!!!

I didn't mean to say that I got confused ignore this msg please!

I'm suspect if it wasn't the remote he would have found something else wrong to ruin it.

If my husband told me off for not making sure the remote was where he wanted it to be at all times I'd tell him to get real.

He'll wear you down OP. It's really not you.

Have a serious think about your marriage and start plans. Don't have another kid until things are resolved.

Somebody ignoring you is not 'proof', and neither is your personal interpretation of the posts you have seen, which you have chosen not to share.

It's lovely that you don't want to try to push someone into disclosing something, although I have to say that rings a bit hollow after blatantly accusing this poster of being abusive.

I have only posted to address your posts, not the OP's, so your guesses on what I believe are neither here nor there.

The reason I posted to address you is because I'm aware that a huge amount of people do not properly understand domestic abuse. A lot of people who accuse people of being abusive with no background information are not coming from a place of objectivity or knowledge.

Essentially, I do not automatically trust a random person's interpretation of an unseen post, because it's likely that they don't know what they're talking about.

Wrong lesson, OP. The lesson you are being shown is that your DP isn't 'dear' at all, but a controlling person who is saying it's his way or the highway. Believe what he is telling you and take the highway, esp if he thinks of DC as 'yours' rather than the child of both of you. Someone who makes a major scene about saucepan lids and remotes in order to spoil a planned outing isn't worth the bother. Honestly, you will be better off without him.

That can be a form of control too though.

You got a live one on your hands here OP. Good luck if you stay because this gets worse and more entrenched.

You are describing my ex and by the time I left four years later, he had gone from a normal happy go lucky and fascinating bloke to a controlling asshole that blamed even the way he failed to clean his car on me. Everything was a contest and a race to be bottom and it was sickening.

Once I got to the point I could see through him and he knew that I could, he became dangerous.

Just like you, I learned to 'head some of it off at the pass'. With the remote for example, I would buy another couple but that would have pissed him off too. You are walking on eggshells and he is loving it. It means that he can use this and all the historical stuff to manipulate your day. Your life is actually a battleground. Until you see this though, you will want to stay as you are taking the blame for him being a prick.

One day he will overstep so badly, it will be like a pillar of fire and you will have to go for the sake of your child. It might be in ten months or five years but all that time has been wasted.