Valentines date didn't go as planned

[Springsunshine28]

Today was supposed to be special. Since my husband was working yesterday, we planned to celebrate Valentine’s Day today. It was also a big milestone for us because our little one got invited to their first birthday party! I was really looking forward to it—both of us work full-time, so we barely get time together. The plan was to go to the party as a family, then head out for dinner and roam around the city.

Everything was going fine until my husband started looking for the remote control. He’s very particular about where things should be (like the remote always being next to the TV). I was the last one to use it while working out, but I was pretty sure I left it on the sofa. Our kid had been playing with the cushions, so it probably got buried somewhere. My husband was searching for it, getting visibly frustrated, and we were already running late. I told him we could just look for it later, hoping to keep the mood light.

But instead, he got really worked up, saying I always misplace things and bringing up other minor stuff, like pan lids not being in the "right" place. I admit I can be forgetful with small things, but I’m generally organized. I was really trying not to let this ruin the day, but it just killed the vibe.

We got in the car, and I asked him to please not let this ruin the day. But he kept going, and based on past experiences, I knew how this would play out—we’d just end up cold and distant, unable to switch back to being affectionate like nothing happened.

At that point, I lost it too. I told him he didn’t even plan anything for our Valentine’s Day dinner, and all I was asking was for him to not let something as small as a remote control ruin our time together. Honestly, this has always been an issue in our relationship—small things escalating into bigger arguments. And sometimes, I just want to feel special, especially on days that are supposed to be meaningful.

I was so frustrated that I told him to just drop us off at the party and come back later to pick us up.
After the party, he asked me what the plan was. I was still upset, so I told him I’d be going out on my own to the restaurant we were supposed to go to. He just said “okay” and dropped me off at the train station.

Honestly, I feel kind of numb right now—upset, but not in the way I used to be. Before, I’d be really angry, but now? I’m just annoyed and over it. I don’t want to waste the day, especially since I’m all dressed up, so I’m thinking of heading to London for some solo time instead.

Am I being an asshole for doing this?

And is still carrying it on by eating out alone rather than just going home , utterly ridiculous.

I can't imagine having an argument about something as petty as the remote being misplaced. How do you live like this?! I'd have to laugh, change the subject and continue with my plans, refusing to engage in this non event.

I would think that he created this minor drama to get out of the romantic dinner and you don't really need to know anything beyond that really. Unless he is as invested as you, it's lopsided and a waste of time.

IMO it's over. He's like this a lot and it's a deeply unpleasant trait that will never go away.

I would see this as the end really. He didn't say sorry either did he?

This. He sounds manipulative and is going to spin all of this any day soon.

I don't think you did anything wrong by leaving the scene.

He picked a fight, the question is why. Sounds like he's always been particular - maybe he gets anxious about going out and seeks control by picking on little details and making that the issue, not his emotions (projects them onto you). But the stuff from ten years ago does sound like rewriting history.
However, he probably didn't see a birthday party and Valentines day as 'meant to be special' in the same way you did, but as chores. Yes, we should be selfless sometimes, but we're not, usually.

OP my spidey senses would be tingling if he is starting to drag up things from the past. Possibly rewriting history ….

Getting so wound up over a remote control isn’t normal behaviour. Have you noticed any other changes in his behaviour?

She had a nice day planned, she was happy her DC was going to their first birthday party (why is that "batshit"? her DC was excited and she was happy to see them - nothing wrong with that, or was everyone triggered by the word milestone?)

I think the OP went out alone because the DH wrecked the mood by berating her for something that was trivial in the scheme of things and bringing up old complaints. Who would want to experience an entire evening of that. Why did he pick a day when she'd planned nice things for them to do together to carry on like that.
And then after all of that his pathetic "What's the plan then?" not an apology or any attempt at meeting her halfway, but a request to be told what to do, so that he could probably argue with that too. Not surprised she found that infuriating. She needed to get away.
OP If this is becoming normal and not a one off, you need to consider how much you are prepared to put up with or if this can still be fixed by getting some counselling, either on your own or together.

My little one is 2 years old.

But it’s a milestone!

this just sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic between you both.

You both need to grow up, you sitting there on your own is really cutting your nose off, and also going to the party as a family is plain weird.

This is one of those classic minor arguments that escalates into a row because neither party can be the bigger person and calm the situation down.

A forgetful spouse can be annoying AF - you finish a long day at work where you're looking forward to a cup of tea and some mindless telly, and if the remote isn't where it should be, rather than being relaxed, it becomes stressful. If he's brought up previous occasions where you've been forgetful it's likely because it's a quality in your that has always bugged him, but mostly he accepts it but sometimes the repressed annoyance explodes. I'm sure you feel similarly about some of his traits.

What did you do to defuse the situation? When I'm grouchy about my forgetful DH forgetting something, he will offer to look for it, or if there isn't time he will apologise and make me a cup of tea or soothe me in different ways and I let it go. He reacts to me with empathy, rather than the barely hidden annoyance of, 'oh not this neurotic thing again'. Similarly if he's grouchy, I will make peace because it benefits both of us and we can have a calmer discussion about it later on.

Not sure what the conflict resolution style is between you. If it's been years of built up resentment on both sides, you're stuck in a vicious cycle where you expect the worst of each other and react to the build up, rather than the specific situation happening. It doesn't sound like you both communicate. E.g does he know you wanted something for Valentines Day, or that you don't feel special? DH and I never celebrate V day so i don't think everyone puts as much emphasis on it. If I wanted DH to plan something, I'd tell him because he's not naturally romantic (but a great DH) and I don't want to test him.

So I can't tell what upset you about all this - was it him being upset about the remote or not planning V-day? Whichever it is, you need to communicate what you want, need, expect and not assume he can read your mind or knows what has pissed you off. Ask him to organise a date night for both of you, reconnect as a couple and have an honest conversation about what you both want or miss in the other.

Why, the kid's 2?! We would probably have gone as a couple too!
Weird not to in my opinion!

Gosh the question. I am not sure if I am happy to be honest but he is such a good dad to my daughter and he we never had issue of him cheating with me aside from just catching him look on other women which ai called him out for or like being in a facebook group with his friends where they share porn videos, he was only lurking on and not the one sending but it was also resolved in the past. But I don't know if I am happy because of some issues and that's another story. 😕

But he wasn't being thwarted in his plan to sit down and watch TV.
They were on their way out, running late, when he started making a fuss about the remote, blaming OP when it was probably under the cushions. She was trying to calm the situation down "hoping to keep the mood light."

My husband was searching for it, getting visibly frustrated, and we were already running late. I told him we could just look for it later, hoping to keep the mood light.

Maybe for you it's not but for me it is. My child is very shy and introvert and seeing her interact with the kids means a lot to me. So please don't impose your own feelings on mine.

Can you not see how he's holding you to a standard that is impossible to achieve?

He's collecting instances in his memory bank where you're less than perfect as a stick to beat you with. He isn't a forgiving, kind man. He's actually very nasty and insidious.

Ex-p used to do the same.

If he collected physical sticks to beat me with, and kept hold of that stick every time I was less than perfect, so each time he could pile another one on, I'd be bruised black and blue.

People who love you and don't just see you as a commodity don't do this.

It's up to you whether you're willing to forgive this and move on but I can promise you he won't forgive you and move on. Its just another stick in the pile.

Thank you. The party is in the play area where they closed the whole place. I don't see why I have to leave my little one on her own.

It's so laughable to you isn't?

I doubt he really cared about a missing remote. It sounds like he deliberately caused an argument to spoil the evening. He just wasn't into your plans.

Does he have childhood trauma or a parent who does this?
it sounds like a trauma bond to situations in his childhood around trigger events like your plans today.

We don't know if he only started searching for it as they were leaving (which makes no sense) or was still searching by the time they needed to leave. I used an example situation of why someone's forgetfulness is hard to live with and actually forces the other person to be extra ordered to make up for it. Bottom line is losing a remote is annoying especially since OP won't be looking for it (and likely won't remember it's lost once they're back home). What would be stressful for me in this situation (and maybe her DH too, don't know what he's like) is having to remember it's lost, then remembering to look for it, to look for it - all of which will happen the next time I want to sit down and relax with tv UNLESS I remember to look for it before. So it's just another thing on my own to-do list even though i didn't lose it. But DH understand why it bugs me and will make a note on his phone to look for something hes misplaces rather than just ignore it.

This is clearly the same with other incidents he's brought up so we don't know if the OP takes his annoyance seriously and has methods to manage it, or treats it all as him 'being in a mood'. We are hearing only her side of course, but unless she wants to spend every V Day alone, it's worth considering perspectives that don't just demonise him, and can empathise too.

Acknowledgement of someone's right to be annoyed is sometimes all that's needed to make them feel heard, which stops the escalation.

His reaction to getting annoyed by it isn't any worse than her reaction to think he's making a fuss over nothing. And getting mad at him because in the past he's gone on for ages is as bad as him bringing up incidents from the past. They're both harping on the past. It's a vicious cycle at this point.

Sounds like he didn't actually want to go out with you today.

Does he start fights often to avoid spending time with you?

Valentines isn't a big deal.
Being invited to a first birthday party isn't a big deal.
Being annoyed for more than a minute about a missing remote control is insane.