Valentines date didn't go as planned

[Springsunshine28]

Today was supposed to be special. Since my husband was working yesterday, we planned to celebrate Valentine’s Day today. It was also a big milestone for us because our little one got invited to their first birthday party! I was really looking forward to it—both of us work full-time, so we barely get time together. The plan was to go to the party as a family, then head out for dinner and roam around the city.

Everything was going fine until my husband started looking for the remote control. He’s very particular about where things should be (like the remote always being next to the TV). I was the last one to use it while working out, but I was pretty sure I left it on the sofa. Our kid had been playing with the cushions, so it probably got buried somewhere. My husband was searching for it, getting visibly frustrated, and we were already running late. I told him we could just look for it later, hoping to keep the mood light.

But instead, he got really worked up, saying I always misplace things and bringing up other minor stuff, like pan lids not being in the "right" place. I admit I can be forgetful with small things, but I’m generally organized. I was really trying not to let this ruin the day, but it just killed the vibe.

We got in the car, and I asked him to please not let this ruin the day. But he kept going, and based on past experiences, I knew how this would play out—we’d just end up cold and distant, unable to switch back to being affectionate like nothing happened.

At that point, I lost it too. I told him he didn’t even plan anything for our Valentine’s Day dinner, and all I was asking was for him to not let something as small as a remote control ruin our time together. Honestly, this has always been an issue in our relationship—small things escalating into bigger arguments. And sometimes, I just want to feel special, especially on days that are supposed to be meaningful.

I was so frustrated that I told him to just drop us off at the party and come back later to pick us up.
After the party, he asked me what the plan was. I was still upset, so I told him I’d be going out on my own to the restaurant we were supposed to go to. He just said “okay” and dropped me off at the train station.

Honestly, I feel kind of numb right now—upset, but not in the way I used to be. Before, I’d be really angry, but now? I’m just annoyed and over it. I don’t want to waste the day, especially since I’m all dressed up, so I’m thinking of heading to London for some solo time instead.

Am I being an asshole for doing this?

I am actually wishing I can feel that way to not have this dragging feeling for so long. I know we will talk about this when I get home later. At the moment eating my ramen and will have some foot massage and a nice cake later on. 😋

Oh no he is not. He is a nurse lol 😆

Very good.

Altogether, a not so pretty shit show.

He's just another man who uses any excuse to try and spoil a special occasion for you, no decent man would be that annoyed about a TV controller or bringing up small problems from years ago. If he's doing this more often Op then this relationship is going downhill fast

It sounds like he wanted to get out of having to make any effort for valentine's day by ranting about a remote. Very romantic.

This isn't good. I have a tendency to get wound up by small things and go on and on and not let it drop. It is a really toxic character trait, and I've deeply upset my DH a few times. I work really, really hard not to do it as I have no desire to hurt and upset my husband, and to be an abusive dickhead.

OP would your DH similarly admit to this being a character flaw and commit to working hard to change it? Because if not, honestly I'd get away from him. It's no way to live, being berated for minor human failings.

You both sound toxic.

It was also a big milestone for us because our little one got invited to their first birthday party!

And this sounds just batshit.

Please tell me you weren’t all going to some kids party like you were invited too? How is it s big milestone to be invited to a party.

he does sound tedious. And a temperamental ballache to be round, however if my husband was telling me a birthday party invite was a big milestone and we should all go like we were invited too and not just as a guardian, I’d find that tedious.

That’s the most random question I think I’ve seen on here. 😂

Ah, a new milestone I should have been aware of and marked accordingly. Like them getting their first doll 🤣

Has he always brought up 10 year old grievances and it's only in the last few months you've noticed him doing it, or has he only been doing it for a few months? The reason I ask is, is it new behaviour? Because new behaviour is generally for a reason.

I just noticed it being brought up recently though. 😳 should I be concerned?

Im trying hard not to think of the poor host, inviting a kid and the op goes as a family.

I asked him to please not let this ruin the day.

Nothing more guaranteed to ruin a day than to make a point to ask not to ruin the day. Toxic behaviours trigger this kind of language.

After the party, he asked me what the plan was. I was still upset, so I told him I’d be going out on my own to the restaurant we were supposed to go to.

So instead of letting it go, or dealing with it and moving on you just carried on.

Your relationship is toxic. Both of you have toxic behaviours, unless you start to address them you'll never progress.

Everyone has their foibles. OP's husband likes the TV remotes to be in the same place.
I'm the same, everything in it's place as it saves so much time.
People just need to respect each other's foibles to avoid strife. They might seem like small issues but repeated ignoring over time builds resentment.

You were stressed ready to go, he was ridiculous but mind was set on finding the remote- it was just a little thing that blew up because of the day that was in it. Hope you both make up and have a nice night in tonight instead with none of the stupid valentines pressure (stupid just because we’re told we should have a lovely time!!!)

He's seeing someone else or got his eye on someone, this is how it starts. Making little things into bigger things - especially if this is new behaviour.

Your relationship is toxic. Both of you have toxic behaviours, unless you start to address them you'll never progress.

ghat’s a bit extreme isn’t it? Doesn’t every human have toxic behaviours so? We all get irrational sometimes!!

This the op did the same thing he did.

Agree with this.

He sounds like a pain in the arse about the remote and then OP kept the bad mood going. I cba to live like this.

Blaming people, bringing back old grudges and ‘always’ statements are not ‘him telling the OP what he thought’. It was a character assassination and the best way to destroy trust.

I’m not surprised the OP reacted the way she did.

Thats wo going into the whole ‘things have to be my way or the Highway’ situation. I mean who the fuck cares about how lids are put away? Esp as its probably the OP that uses the lids anyway.

I would tell him that he can take the remote control out to dinner next year. For some men, that is their one true love.

Yes because between bringing stuff from the past, the ALWAYS statements etc… its character assassination. It wasn’t him just being grumpy at one little thing.

Yeah we can all get a bit irrational admittedly, but maintaining a "pissed off" stance hours later instead of dealing with it rationally isn't a good approach for anyone to take, and unless OP recognises and addresses that type of behaviour, then they are going to drive the toxicity in all their relationships, and theres no place for toxic.

I wouldnt agree that it's acceptable for any human has some toxic behaviours. If you do have some toxic, you need to recognise and address toxic behaviours, either yours or those of others. Don't accept toxic. Nobody deserves toxic.

If it's new behaviour, raking over old grievances, then yes, I'd be concerned. I'd think he was about to spin it into a 'I've never been happy with you' story so that - in his own head and nowhere else - he's justified in calling it a day. Sorry, but I've seen that played out here so often.