Valentines date didn't go as planned

[Springsunshine28]

Today was supposed to be special. Since my husband was working yesterday, we planned to celebrate Valentine’s Day today. It was also a big milestone for us because our little one got invited to their first birthday party! I was really looking forward to it—both of us work full-time, so we barely get time together. The plan was to go to the party as a family, then head out for dinner and roam around the city.

Everything was going fine until my husband started looking for the remote control. He’s very particular about where things should be (like the remote always being next to the TV). I was the last one to use it while working out, but I was pretty sure I left it on the sofa. Our kid had been playing with the cushions, so it probably got buried somewhere. My husband was searching for it, getting visibly frustrated, and we were already running late. I told him we could just look for it later, hoping to keep the mood light.

But instead, he got really worked up, saying I always misplace things and bringing up other minor stuff, like pan lids not being in the "right" place. I admit I can be forgetful with small things, but I’m generally organized. I was really trying not to let this ruin the day, but it just killed the vibe.

We got in the car, and I asked him to please not let this ruin the day. But he kept going, and based on past experiences, I knew how this would play out—we’d just end up cold and distant, unable to switch back to being affectionate like nothing happened.

At that point, I lost it too. I told him he didn’t even plan anything for our Valentine’s Day dinner, and all I was asking was for him to not let something as small as a remote control ruin our time together. Honestly, this has always been an issue in our relationship—small things escalating into bigger arguments. And sometimes, I just want to feel special, especially on days that are supposed to be meaningful.

I was so frustrated that I told him to just drop us off at the party and come back later to pick us up.
After the party, he asked me what the plan was. I was still upset, so I told him I’d be going out on my own to the restaurant we were supposed to go to. He just said “okay” and dropped me off at the train station.

Honestly, I feel kind of numb right now—upset, but not in the way I used to be. Before, I’d be really angry, but now? I’m just annoyed and over it. I don’t want to waste the day, especially since I’m all dressed up, so I’m thinking of heading to London for some solo time instead.

Am I being an asshole for doing this?

It sounds like the child is really young though, at that age it’s more unacceptable to leave them? Anyway, not the point of the post.

if they aren’t put back it is an acknowledged error.

An ‘acknowledged error?’ What’s that? Is there a logbook?

OP, was your DD going to come with you and DH to the meal and the roam around the city?

After the party.

@FormerlyKnownAsPrints I wondered that too... it sounds very rigid and no way to live.

I think Valentine’s Day is the absolute least of your problems.

As an adult no one tells me where the remote or pan lid goes.

Things have their place but it’s not an issue if they get moved.
It might be a minor inconvenience but it wouldn’t turn into an argument.

This relationship isn’t working is it and there’s a 2yo who is going to be picking up on this and will absolutely soon be moving the remote and making a mess.

The other forum?

The fuck.

What normally happens is that one parent stays at the party when they are little and that gives that parent a chance to chat to the other parents , very few people will bring both parents .

you are right, it's usually women who are famous for this 😂

that's the norm here? Drop your 2 year old and run? You won't get any more invitation.

Hosts are offering a birthday party, not free childcare, and it's up to parents to look after their own child.

Oh thank you so much for these. For some reason he is usually quite chilled about these things and just recently he is being over critical about little things bringing up old arguments that I thought was resolved already. I myself if guilty of being forgetful sometimes esp after having a baby, idk if it's the mum brain. I don't know I feel like I am just so exhausted by all of it. Both of us are working the same hours, both nurses 12 hours 3 days a week, but all the mental workload of planning for daily stuff, bills mortgage, dd appointments and all are on me. Financially we are tight even if we are earning decently as he had messed up with taxes and paying for penalties and all. I have come to terms that he is not all very big on planning date nights or anything to make me feel like a woman. I feel like we are just room mates at the moment but it's all OK for me that why days like this I am looking forward to as I know atleast we can celebrate or spend time together nicely. Sorry for the rant. But thank you and really appreciate your advise and will take this on board.

Yeah, we often both used to take our kids to parties. And lots of our friends both came to our kids’ parties. We always did lots of grub and beers for mates. We had parties in the park in summer with a BBQ. The more the merrier at a party. I realise some couples would rather not both go to a kids party. But it’s not a big deal if they do.

Hi yes she will be coming with us. We don't have a child minder and we really want to spend time with her together as we only have 1 day during the week that we are both off.

Only read your first post but, I wouldn't be surprised if this was deliberate.

Narcissists like to ruin special occasions. I wonder if he has form for that. Birthdays, Christmas and valentines day are not all-about- them. So they cause drama to ruin those days. And make it all about themselves.

Also they don't like being obligated to behave in a way that would make you happy. Like buying you a gift on a special day. Because they do nt eat you happy. They want you exhausted and downtrodden so you feel too beat down to leave them.

**dont want you happy

To be honest with you, that's the reason I just went on my own. It happened in the past that special occasion has been ruined because of little arguments that turns into a big one. So I just want to go out and eat own my own because I was craving so much to go to that restaurant for ages 😩

That sounds very stressful. I can assure you it’s very typical to get irritable with each other, and for the romance to go, when you have a baby/toddler. It takes a lot of adjusting. I salute you both for working so hard in tough and vital jobs 💐

Take it easy with each other. Try to find the humour together. You need it when you have kids. Try to find pleasure in little things. Don’t have unrealistic expectations. Try to carve out a little bit of time to treat yourself now and again.

OK so you know it's deliberate then right?

I'm so sorry op but if you know he's doing this deliberately then - it's over. It has to be if you ever want to have a happy, peaceful life.

Think about it, how big of a bastard does someone need to be to want to ruin nice occasions for their partner? To never tell her she is beautiful? To ignore her practically begging not to have to argue with them about a TV handset because it's a special day!

He's not a nice person and he means you harm. Start getting your ducks in a row to get away from this asshole. Life is too short!

He didn't want to go out on the valentines date and he used the remote as an excuse. Don't waste your time you deserve better - just love you instead. Being single is waaaay better than that treatment xx

100%

Excuse me?

@renoleno what other forum are you on about?

And it’s not acceptable, though very typical, for women to be left doing all the life admin and mental load once kids come along.

Men must do their fair share.