Valentines date didn't go as planned

[Springsunshine28]

Today was supposed to be special. Since my husband was working yesterday, we planned to celebrate Valentine’s Day today. It was also a big milestone for us because our little one got invited to their first birthday party! I was really looking forward to it—both of us work full-time, so we barely get time together. The plan was to go to the party as a family, then head out for dinner and roam around the city.

Everything was going fine until my husband started looking for the remote control. He’s very particular about where things should be (like the remote always being next to the TV). I was the last one to use it while working out, but I was pretty sure I left it on the sofa. Our kid had been playing with the cushions, so it probably got buried somewhere. My husband was searching for it, getting visibly frustrated, and we were already running late. I told him we could just look for it later, hoping to keep the mood light.

But instead, he got really worked up, saying I always misplace things and bringing up other minor stuff, like pan lids not being in the "right" place. I admit I can be forgetful with small things, but I’m generally organized. I was really trying not to let this ruin the day, but it just killed the vibe.

We got in the car, and I asked him to please not let this ruin the day. But he kept going, and based on past experiences, I knew how this would play out—we’d just end up cold and distant, unable to switch back to being affectionate like nothing happened.

At that point, I lost it too. I told him he didn’t even plan anything for our Valentine’s Day dinner, and all I was asking was for him to not let something as small as a remote control ruin our time together. Honestly, this has always been an issue in our relationship—small things escalating into bigger arguments. And sometimes, I just want to feel special, especially on days that are supposed to be meaningful.

I was so frustrated that I told him to just drop us off at the party and come back later to pick us up.
After the party, he asked me what the plan was. I was still upset, so I told him I’d be going out on my own to the restaurant we were supposed to go to. He just said “okay” and dropped me off at the train station.

Honestly, I feel kind of numb right now—upset, but not in the way I used to be. Before, I’d be really angry, but now? I’m just annoyed and over it. I don’t want to waste the day, especially since I’m all dressed up, so I’m thinking of heading to London for some solo time instead.

Am I being an asshole for doing this?

Renoleno what do u mean?? Random cryptic messages are a headfuck for us simple minded MN folk

Oh I couldn't be arsed spending my life with someone who gets upset about temporarily misplacing the remote, how ridiculous.

Dh and I misplace the remote almost every day - we don't keep a tally of who had it last we just look for it and find it after a few minutes.

And as for you "not putting pan lids back properly" - wtf? Do people really get worked up about petty crap like this?

He sounds like an angry, neurotic weirdo.

No one would leave their 2yo alone at a party - take no notice of these idiotic comments.

So you've not posted on another forum about an argument with your DH when your in-laws were around, which you started with him in front of them, then when he reacted you swore at him, hit his arms, and threw things at him?

What makes you think it's the same poster?

Could it be possible that your husband is actually neurodiverse and has just never been diagnosed? Having things in a strict place and acting like the world has ended if it's put in a wrong place definitely sounds like a potential trait. Also the way he so simply accepted you saying you're going to the restaurant alone could just be that he takes things incredibly literally, so rather than thinking there is an issue that needs to be resolved, he is just like "ok have fun", and he simply hasn't understood that actually that probably wasn't the right response. It might be worthwhile researching autism and ADHD symptoms in adult men and seeing if there are a lot of cross over character traits, if there are then just knowing why he acts the way he does sometimes will be a massive help in helping you both communicate. I have a very neurospicy family and some of the things you said definitely made me think of things I've witnessed/had to deal with myself which is why I thought I'd suggest this.

As a general rule, people who recognise abuse recognise it because they have experienced it or are trained to recognise it.

It's not that abusers don't see it, it's that they feel fully entitled to abuse their victim, so they will twist facts or lie, act like they are the real victim, and do anything they can to persuade their victim that they are the real abuser.

There is no way to know if this anonymous internet poster has posted anywhere else.

With all of this in mind, it would seem you are projecting some quite awful things.

Hmmm I'm kinda feeling for your DH here.

Every night when we go to bed, DH has the TV on. Every night I end up hunting around for it to.turn the tv off when he has fallen asleep. Despite asking repeatedly for him to leave it between the pillows so I don't have to.

Most mornings I get up, and DH has put thr remote somewhere silly. Either in thr kitchen, under a cushion or on the bookcase. It takes me about 50.seconds to find it. But it is annoying. Every day.

Whenever DH empties the dishwasher he shires pan lids anywhere they will fit. It's annoying because I have to take them out, they are like coathangers and stick together or slide around.

You were being unreasonable being arsey about carrying it on and going on your own for a meal.

Just maybe adult a bit more?

Sorry for spellings, phone being glitch.

I am not sure if it is caused by childhood trauma but he was never like this when we started 15 years ago. But overtime he became very particular to put where things are.

That's a bad relationship. He will never stop behaving like this unless you manage to put a stop to it. Either you address it or you leave him. Personally, I'd put the remote through the TV screen and tell him where to put the pan lids, he sounds horrid.

She even said the toddler could well have moved it.

And even if the toddler didn't, so what?

No one should have to be catered to to that extent so they don't ruin everyone else's entire day because an item wasn't in a particular 6" space at a particular time. No one.

It's your house, too.

And you don't have to live like that.

To be fair, DH was over it by the time the party finished. It was OP who stropped off on her own.

There's plenty more to add. For instance you could add the post that you are talking about. Why would you choose to give your interpretation of this anonymous post instead of just posting a link to it? If it's so cut and dry then people can make up their own minds.

I will try my very best to remember to put things as I found it to avoid future conflicts. My little one played in the couch that's why I think it got buried there. He was annoyed with both of us in the end. Because he said it won't go there if I just had placed it next to the TV. But yeah this is a lesson learnt from me definitely.

He ‘started it’ - both of you carried it on.
From your narrative it seems like you’ve turned it into a bigger drama . You can try and fix it - or not.

But you both have to give a little if you want to make it work.

have you ever thought he has a mild OCD which could be why he worries about remote etc disproportionately ?

Oh dear. I had one like this, he was left alone with the remote,, when I left him 5 years ago. Put your boundaries in place and don't let his nonsense ruin any day for you ever again.
Good luck, it won't get better. Imagine years of this .... then years of retirement with this ... no no no

I’m not in any way sticking up for the man but, to me it sounds like the remote going missing was more like the trigger, not the cause, maybe he’s got something on his mind that he is struggling to verbalise or explain. Work issue maybe? Its still unreasonable to go bananas over a remote though!

There’s definitely more to the story, I agree.

Think carefully about what you've written here. You shouldn't have to adjust your behaviour to prevent him kicking off.
My dh has tried to tell me how things should be I just tell him he's not my boss and to wind his neck in. It doesn't always work but he is aware I stay because I want to not because I have to and I think that's made him adjust his attitude because he very rarely does it now,

What? A lesson he's taught you? His behaviour is very unreasonable.

Ok I'm naive. After reading all these posts my conclusion is OP Is unhinged.