Valentines date didn't go as planned

[Springsunshine28]

Today was supposed to be special. Since my husband was working yesterday, we planned to celebrate Valentine’s Day today. It was also a big milestone for us because our little one got invited to their first birthday party! I was really looking forward to it—both of us work full-time, so we barely get time together. The plan was to go to the party as a family, then head out for dinner and roam around the city.

Everything was going fine until my husband started looking for the remote control. He’s very particular about where things should be (like the remote always being next to the TV). I was the last one to use it while working out, but I was pretty sure I left it on the sofa. Our kid had been playing with the cushions, so it probably got buried somewhere. My husband was searching for it, getting visibly frustrated, and we were already running late. I told him we could just look for it later, hoping to keep the mood light.

But instead, he got really worked up, saying I always misplace things and bringing up other minor stuff, like pan lids not being in the "right" place. I admit I can be forgetful with small things, but I’m generally organized. I was really trying not to let this ruin the day, but it just killed the vibe.

We got in the car, and I asked him to please not let this ruin the day. But he kept going, and based on past experiences, I knew how this would play out—we’d just end up cold and distant, unable to switch back to being affectionate like nothing happened.

At that point, I lost it too. I told him he didn’t even plan anything for our Valentine’s Day dinner, and all I was asking was for him to not let something as small as a remote control ruin our time together. Honestly, this has always been an issue in our relationship—small things escalating into bigger arguments. And sometimes, I just want to feel special, especially on days that are supposed to be meaningful.

I was so frustrated that I told him to just drop us off at the party and come back later to pick us up.
After the party, he asked me what the plan was. I was still upset, so I told him I’d be going out on my own to the restaurant we were supposed to go to. He just said “okay” and dropped me off at the train station.

Honestly, I feel kind of numb right now—upset, but not in the way I used to be. Before, I’d be really angry, but now? I’m just annoyed and over it. I don’t want to waste the day, especially since I’m all dressed up, so I’m thinking of heading to London for some solo time instead.

Am I being an asshole for doing this?

My child is only 2 years old so I guess it is reasonable that we accompany her. It's in a play area too.

What would be stressful for me in this situation (and maybe her DH too, don't know what he's like) is having to remember it's lost, then remembering to look for it, to look for it - all of which will happen the next time I want to sit down and relax with tv UNLESS I remember to look for it before.

You see I find that way if living tiring.
Ok so At times A in the day, you realise you you’ve misplaced the remote.
Spending the day thinking that you really have to remember to look for the remote sounds exhausting and stressful fur no reason at all. I mean the remote isn’t going to be MORE lost if you leave it to the last minute to look for it.
I can’t imagine to be bothered by it tbh.

My husband will look after her. They both went home after.

Don't like to generalise but I think, from experience, they can be quite controlling.

@renoleno are you saying that the example of the pan lids not been tidy up the right way is the same? That it will obviously be an issue for him because the lids aren’t quite in the right position. Even though I’m pretty sure it’s the OP who cooks?

Also, taking into account your partner’s quirks is nice. Taking into account ALL your partner’s quirks and requests even if Theyre areal weight for you day to day is not.
Being kind is good. Insisting that YOUR way is the only way and your partner has to do it your way isn’t. It’s controlling.

I'm older than you and have been married twice. Reading your post just gives me vibes of both my exH's, and I can feel that you are constantly trying to appease him. For me, this kind of 'desperately trying to appease' situation just led to verbal and emotional abuse. It got worse, as these things often do, hence both are now exH's. I am far, far, happier on my own, but I understand totally the difficulty of trying to extract yourself from this situation, both morally and financially, should you feel you need to.
Take your time and enjoy some peace tonight - you deserve it, and decide what your breaking point will be should this behaviour continue. It undoubtedly will, as men like this don't change. Good luck.

And I find your way of life rude and lacking perspective and self awareness - to offer unsolicited opinion on an internet random's way of life on someone else's thread. Genuinely why do you think I would care what you find tiring or not..? You are no one to me.

Maybe he caused the argument to get out of going to the birthday party. Who the heck wants to go to a kids party as a family outing.

Of corse you’d stay with your 2 year old daughter at a play centre, what a wild suggestion that you wouldn’t. Me and my DH would have gone together, had a brew whilst she played.

From this small snap shot it seems you need to walk on egg shells around your husband. Misplacing the remote really isn’t a reason to fall out with somebody all day for?

I am a nurse, I also like things to be neat and tidy- in order. I do get frustrated when things are messy and get annoyed if folk don’t tidy up after themselves. Perhaps it’s a nurse thing. But to fall out with somebody all day- that’s definitely not ok.

Id take the evening to really think about the relationship, what you think about it and what your daughter will endure as she gets older and ‘loses’ the remote.

So its just her job to take the child to a birthday party in a play park - because he can't be bothered to join them? Why should he have to undertake this arduous chore?
There are quite a few dads who like to spend time with their children at the weekend, and want to watch them enjoying themselves.

He didn't fall out with OP over it though. He had an argument with OP over it but was still going to the party. She told him not to come, so he dropped her off. But still picked her up and was still planning to go to the dinner and to London. OP is the one who told him to go home, so he dropped her at the station, and now he's home looking after their DD while not forcing her to cancel her own plans in London. How is staying home with his DD while OP has a day to herself in London, controlling??

If the roles were reversed and a man cancelled OP's plans (told her not to go to a party, and the dinner was cancelled) because she got upset with him about something he had done - that would be seen as controlling. They're both as bad as the other.

It doesn't have to be so extreme. No one wins with the 'I'm going to be more immature and string this out' approach. Just go for dinner together and start talking. Or don't if you want to split up. But he'd already been in the doghouse and come to pick her up, but because she's still 'upset' she's shitty with him and goes to sulk through the date on her own. It's feeding the drama rather than de-escalating. It didn't have to get to that point. They could've been laughing about the remote madness over dinner if they wanted to make things work. But sure, if she's checked out and doesn't want it to work, then she can start ending things.

I think a bit part of the problem is holding things up to this romantic standard. Same kinda drama as our precious child's first birthday party invite stance. It's putting too much pressure on real people to behave in a magical way. People are complicated. They have moods. They aren't automatically romantic on Feb 14th. If you can't roll with it and find the humour and romance in the reality, you're always going to be disappointed that life doesn't go to plan.

I think if my husband was cold and distant with me and I knew he would be for the rest of the day I wouldn’t want to spend time with him either!

Having somebody walk on egg shells over a remote control not controlling- wowzers! I’d raise your bar!

It's funny, it's usually the reverse we read.
Husband is careless, and that puts his wife off completely.

I admit I can be forgetful with small things it's so annoying and frustrating to live with someone like that. Lose your belongings, but not his/ or not the shared ones.

And sometimes, I just want to feel special
Being less careless about things would be a good start?

But he wasn't cold and distant, he was arguing with her! She assumed he would become cold and distant because of past arguments (but is then upset that he brought up past arguments). The whole thing fell apart because neither of them can let go of the past because they do not communicate. Marriages are team work, not brinkmanship.

He took her to the party, he went home from the party when she told him to, he came to pick her up when she wanted and was ready to go to London. And then went home again after dropping her off because she told him to. She's not walking on eggshells clearly if she's calling the shots on where he can and cannot go depending on how she feels. This isn't about raising the bar - it's about treating your spouse like a human being and not an enemy to be defeated.

Yeah- and she knew exactly how he was going to treat her for the day so buggered off before she let him do it! Not being treated like enemy number one over a remote! Getting bollocked over pan lids certainly isn’t how I’d spend my Saturday afternoon!

YANBU.

Your DH sounds uptight and controlling. He shouldn’t be critical of, and frustrated with, you not doing exactly as he wants with a remote control and pan lids. It shouldn’t cause a bad atmosphere. Anyone would find that oppressive.

It’s possible he has OCD or some other condition where he needs everything to be perfect. If so, he should take responsibility for recognising and regulating his behaviour, which is affecting you and will likely affect your DD.

IMHO you need to have an open and honest conversation with him and calmly let him know how you feel about his behaviour. How you feel that he didn’t make an effort for Valentine’s Day. Maybe leave things to calm for a few days first.

If you focus on how you feel, rather than criticising or attacking him, and remain calm and conciliatory, he shouldn’t get defensive or moody. The key to a good relationship is communicating how you feel and having empathy for each other. You should also listen to how he feels. It’s very stressful both working full time with a toddler. I expect his job is stressful, tiring and traumatic at times too. But if that’s affecting his mood, he should communicate that to you.

If he takes your attempt at an open conversation about this badly and won’t take any responsibility for the impact his behaviour’s having on you, you should consider if you want to continue with the relationship. I suggest you seek some counselling on your own to figure that out.

@Cowboycorgi hmm I'm sure my exH did a bit of this aswell. He ended up being an involved dad from toddler years, and supported them financially, but would never admit that he didn't really like the 'baby' years and the fact I didn't want sex with him three times a week with two under twos. Made any excuse to leave the house. Looking back with wisdom and hindsight, it was obvious.

You are proving my point of why they marriage has gotten to this stage. If she knew exactly what he was going to do as part of the argument and buggered off, he too knew that she would minimise his feelings/annoyance over her once again misplacing something, and become cold and distant when he stood his ground. Exactly as has happened. It's just tit for tat at this stage.

This is the problem! You cannot respond to your spouse based on what has happened before. You react to what's happening in the moment. The starting point needs to be the benefit of doubt and assuming no malice. Without it, there's no trust or goodwill. This is not about the remote - there's clearly anger and resentment over many things on both sides and the remote was just a catalyst.

. I think taking turns would be a good plan. Until you get to the magical time you can drop & run.

YANBU it’s a remote control and assuming it turns up hardly a big inconvenience. He didn’t need it at that point and why ruin the day going on about other past perceived mistakes ! Massive overreaction on his part. Whilst I hate all the commercialisation of Valentines Day it’s nice to take the time to think about each other an be nice as so often we are too busy!

If his attitude is "who the hell wants to go to a kids birthday party.".. I doubt he would volunteer to take turns.

I hate Valentines day and my dh knows not to get me anything. It's the expectations and show off that makes me feel uncomfortable. I will be happy for chocolates and flowers any day but not 14th of February because noone should dictate what day we should "show our love" (=buying our love). So YABU for having high expectations and you were probably a bit tense because of that and that's why you were so disappointed.

He's unreasonable for letting his ocd getting the better of him and whine about a remote control when he didn't even need it- you were leaving. Tell him to see a psychologist for his ocd because it seems like It's getting worse.

It’s not Valentine’s Day, it’s a made up
day anyway and to try and recreate the next day is even more batshit crazy!

A child being invited to a party is not a milestone.

Lower your expectations, they are way too high!