To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

as others have said some religions, e.g. Jewish and Muslim, still usually have funerals within a few days at most, so I don’t know why it’s different for others

Obviously I can't speak for others, @Travelodge, but in our area they now hold "slots" for early cremations requested for religious/cultural reasons, so it follows that this may increase the wait for those to whom this doesn't apply

On the subject of Northern Ireland though, how does it work if a post mortem's needed? Unless they have far more pathologists it's hard to imagine they can all be done by the 3 day limit which seems common?

What really pissies me off is the fact that I have one crew within 2 miles

the other one is a big city and 10 miles away and then another 20 miles away

the nearest charges £1200 for a cremation - no live streaming available
the city 10 miles away is £600 live streaming available
the town 20 miles is £750 live streaming available

why such a disparity in prices?

This is really disappointing to hear. A two week wait for the medical certificate for a presumably straightforward hospital death, where she had been under consultant care?

Or was it the death certificate, with the hold up being the local authority registrar?

That's not what people on tbis thread are describing. Pp had delays in receiving the death certificate.

IME the delay was due to the insistence that there was a PM (in a very elderly, unwell lady) despite the feelings of her family.

So my question remains, how do other faiths expedite this process?

They don't. We also need to wait if paperwork isn't done on time, or if a postmortem needs to happen. I'm Jewish and neither my FIL or my grandmother were buried within our preferred timeframe of 24 hours. My grandmother was buried over 6 weeks after her death due to paperwork and postmortem.

We don't get special treatment, no matter what certain posters on here have said or implied - we just use different burial grounds that are set up for quick burials assuming paperwork is in order. But we're still dependent on paperwork being in order. The same as everyone else.

We had a death in the wider family recently, and the FD said that about 2 doctors because of Shipman. However, that's recently changed and in our area it's one doctor, then it's referred to the coroner so he can call it in if they're in any doubt. It still took 10 days to get the death certificate so things could get going. It was a direct cremation but I can't remember how long it was, about 3 weeks from date of death I think?

And in Poland it's done and dusted 3 -4 days after the death (whether expected or not)! Apparently the costs of holding the body are so extortionate no one can afford it. You don't know what's worse (I.e- what if you were completely unprepared for the death and have to organise everything in a week at most?)

I was told it was because if slots at the crematorium . The small town I come from only has one crematorium and a limited number of people trained to run the service. They only offer funerals between about 10 and three and not at weekends. They are also always busier in the colder months.
There are also sometimes delays signing the death certificate and releasing the body

Too quickly seems like haste, but a long wait does drag things on, a full on mournful funeral is difficult to cope with at any stage. Commiserations.

It's a tradition in Australia following burial/cremation practices in the UK.

Did you read my post instead of jumping on it?

The last couple of funerals I have been to were a month or more. I know some family members found they struggled with the 'limbo' in between.

But one thing I would say is that both were lovely and felt more celebratory and personal than the ones I used to go to 20 years ago when my grandparents were dieing, which were all held quickly. People had got over the initial shock and I think were more reflective rather than going through the motions and getting through it. So there are pros and cons. I know OP you say it's planned to be formal and not a celebration, but just in terms of the moods of people there, it may be more 'celebratory' than it would have been sooner, and you may be able to take it in better and appreciate the people you get to talk to afterwards etc.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you are able to gain something from the funeral.

YANBU. My Dad died at Christmas time and we had to wait 3 weeks, he had wanted a burial but if he’d had wanted a cremation it would have been way longer.

The funeral was a comforting time for me, I hope you find some comfort in the day.

im so sorry for your loss

@Negroany That's sounds really tough. I'm sorry.

It's still difficult to process a Covid death, no funeral wake.

I thought the 10 family members sitting metres apart was bad.

Our local priest held the mass followed on to the cremation ceremony to say a few words.

There was a steady flow of black hearse driving in at 9am.

I used to work alongside the register office and it was very rare that an appointment could be made with 5 days to register a death

As an aside, I know a resident doctor, and in a general discussion about death/funerals etc, I was describing (in a group) the process and delays. How everything hinges on the death certificate.
She said she had no idea so much waited for that one thing. It's part of her job to do them but it seems she just saw it as a bit of admin that didn't need any priority. After my explanation, she said she would now prioritise death certificates.

So, I'm guessing they don't get properly trained on this!

Yes I did read your post, Im suggesting that in England its not a tradition - 40 years ago most funerals in uk were done and dusted with 5-7 days.

This is why we want direct cremations. The idea that people should dress in black and feel sad all day is awful. We’ve had great lives and when we go we hope people will enjoy a meal on the terrace of our favourite place, drink our favourite wines, listen to our favourite music, paddle in the sea and laugh.

Sorry for your loss.

It can't be that rare, you HAVE to register the death within five days. With mum I had to go in person, in the same county she died (which isn't where I live), face to face, appointment only. I did it on day four.

sorry couldn't be made

I tried, I assure you, to get a closer date but there were some very strong-minded women stating their needs — and given that my aunt had no children or grandchildren and there was no pressing need to hold the funeral immediately, it didn't seem so very ridiculous. As it was, the days were longer, the weather was fabulous, we were able to sit outside for lunch in the sun at the wake, and people didn't feel under such pressure to race home before it got dark/ started sleeting. There was sadness and many memories but a lot of affectionate laughter and pleasure in seeing so many people there — people who might not have come in January or February.

@Negroany Do you have to have the death cert in Ireland. (Apologies for asking a silly question).
I don't recall registering the death until after the funeral of Mam or Dad.
With Dad he had an autopsy, DM died in hospital, both sent directly to the funeral director.
I'm sure it was after by the time we registered.

Well, good. And refreshing to hear. There are no absolute, objective rights and wrongs, as long as you had the event that worked for you.

It's OK, it didn't seem that bad considering what was going on in the world generally. He didn't die of Covid, he had cancer pre pandemic .

We couldn't get family there as they lived too far away and they couldn't stay over (hotels were shut and they weren't allowed to stay with mum, I was staying there though). I said to mum, if we can't have family (to support us) I'm not having a crem full of neighbours I barely know.

We had an online thing about a month later.

when my own mother died, as she also died out of county - we went the same morning to register the death. The hospital made the appointment for us. her death was registered within 3 hours of her death and we walked into the undertaker's that afternoon to make the arrangements for the funeral. The first date we could get with both the vicar and the church and the crematorium on a lunch time mid week (that was what my father wanted) was 2 weeks later

No idea, I'm not in Ireland.