To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

My mother's is next week.

It'll be over four weeks.

It was expected but its still sad and time is all over the place for me as I'm very much in limbo until the funeral.
Consoling myself that she's out of pain now.
Some days I think the extra time is a blessing to help me cope, other days I think I'm going to be in this limbo forever.

The rush is that generally the family keep the person at home until the funeral. When my MIL died in Italy she was laid out in the living room for people to come and say goodbye, then the morning of the funeral (2 days later as she died at the weekend) the funeral director came and placed her in the coffin. Normally it would be the next day so the family only have to "keep overnight vigil" for one night.

In Scotland they normally take place within a week or so - I’m amazed you have to wait so long.

A funeral doesn't have to mean everyone in black, being sad all day, though, @MrsSkylerWhite. My MIL asked everyone to wear bright colours to her funeral, and the day was a lovely, uplifting celebration of the wonderful person she had been.

@Negroany
I misread your post.
Thank you.

I'd rather a direct cremation and paddle in the sea, than attend a funeral in bright colours, staring at a coffin.

Agreed OP. The quickest I've experienced was 3 weeks however it was only for a cremation something like a Tuesday at 10am which I imagine would be a less desirable slot. Saying that where we are there haven't been covid delays, it's always been around 4 weeks unless there has been a postmortem required.

That is a really long delay for you, I agree.
Three to ten days is what is usual in our state. Mostly about four days but some have to wait for family to fly home etc.

Can you not have the public funeral service and then have the cremation some days later (or in the evening) - with just a handful of people?

It's to do with registration. A funeral can not happen without it. I know of funerals being cancelled as the registration hasn't taken place 3 weeks after the death. This is due to the Medical Examiners who now have to sign off the death before the registration can happen. This was brought in in September last year and the new system isn't working. Its terrible for families who have to wait.

Exactly. Where I am one vicar covers 3 churches and another has 2. They can only be in one place at a time. If there are 2 deaths in a week from each of the 3 churches that is 6 funerals to try and get coordinated rather than the two it would have been a few years ago.

It is working fine in my experience. My auntie died in December and she was buried two days later.

Certainly in my area a wait of several weeks was the norm well before Covid. My friend’s mother died 11 years ago on Feb 12th and the funeral and cremation wasn’t until March 20th.
Unless a grave plot has been reserved there’s no burial space remaining and until recently there were only two crematoriums serving a very large area which included a city. Thankfully times are shorter now as several new crematoriums have been built since then. In 2022 my mother died and her cremation was 15 days later.

The waiting time is unreasonable though, it’s unfair on grieving families.
Thinking back years ago to when family members died it was less than a week, and back then burial (at least in our family) was more common than cremation so that involved a grave being prepared. My Grandad died on a Wednesday and was buried the following Tuesday and it was a sudden death so a post mortem had to be carried out.

I have no idea what happened in England 40 years ago. I know what happens in the UK today and what happens in Australia for no reason at all.

The law in Spain requires burials/cremations to happen within 72 hours. It accommodates having family and friends coming from overseas but still having a funeral within 7 days.

I still don't understand how a country to 50 million people can do this by law when the OP is dreading attending a funeral of her parent weeks after the death.

Something is seriously fucked up somewhere.

So, six funerals, seven days in a week, two funeral slots a day (minimum) - not sure why that's causing delays. Even if you take Sundays out of the days of the week. Still twelve slots any week.

Same for me. Had to wait almost a month for my dads funeral. Purely just down to crematory spaces. That waiting period was difficult, and it was only once the funeral was done with, that I could begin the process of "moving on".

Unrelated, but I promise you that you will feel "normal" again.
I lost my dad 7 years ago now, and although I still think of him pretty much every day for one reason or another, there certainly isn't that "actively missing him" component any more. I'd say it took about 3-4 years to reach that point.

You have my sympathies OP, I lost my DM 6 months ago. I can't imagine having to wait so long for a funeral, it must make you feel like you're in limbo. Here in Ireland, funerals are generally held 3 days after death which is quite quick.

Because the vicars will have many other commitments other than funerals in place already.
our vicar mentioned in passing to me this week that already he has only 3 hours unaccounted for in March already.

Sending sympathy and hugs op. I'm in NI and the wait is about 2-4 days. It's super quick compared to GB.
I don't know how you cope with that long limbo in between. especially since it's all been organised already. Can you busy urself helping with the house and your parents personals?

Our area used to be like that buf have recently ruled that there can only be 4 funerals per day.
Is that in all areas of Scotland or just ours?

(Delays seeing a registrar) can't be that rare, you HAVE to register the death within five days

You're correct about the 5 day requirement, @Negroany, but a longer wait happened with both my parents and I just got a flappy-handed "well we can't do anything about it" so presumably whoever's supposed to follow up on this isn't doing - or at least not effectively

They've now opened somed kind of sub-registry office at the big hospital itself, but unfortunately it's rarely staffed and I'm told it's made very little diffference

I’ve been lucky enough to not have had a funeral for about six months (big extended family) so it has maybe changed. But four in a day seems very few.

Sympathy to the OP.

Two things I've done in England that I'd recommend are:

• organise the fastest possible (direct?) cremation possible and just invite a few people obviously closest to the deceased. Then spend time organising a memorial event where (hopefully) lots of friends and family can all attend, contribute (speak/video/etc.), share photographs and memories, raise a glass to the deceased and celebrate their life.

• for older people with fewer remaining friends and family, organise the cremation quickly and make more of the ceremony of scattering/burying the ashes much later, hopefully on a significant date and a significant place. I have to recommend the National Trust support we received at Sissinghurst Castle - they were just wonderful. (Although none of us are religious, so that might simplify things.)

It's because things are in place for it.

Round here if you want the crem or council cemetery then it's weeks for a slot.

One of the churches still has spaces in their churchyard, and they also have a gravedigger on their staff, so if you qualify to be buried there then it can happen as soon as the church has a slot. Usually within 4/5 days.

Where there is a custom for quick burials there are usually staff (or volunteers) who do the jobs that take weeks if you're waiting for a council slot.

That will have in part been availability of the cathedral and also they'll have taken some of the diaries of people they wanted involved into account for that one.

6 weeks for my dad, partly because he died on New Year’s Day, partly because I needed to find a church for the service and I’d fallen out with his over his long illness, partly because I delayed by another week to attend my best friends child’s christening. It didn’t help that my Irish colleagues and french relatives expressed shock and dismay at this long wait. But frankly, after 7 years of dealing with his Alzheimer’s and agitated dementia that was the least of my woes.