To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

That's really not fair. What if my humanist faith needs it done quickly too?

then it can be

you get the death certificate and then shop round the undertaker to make sure they can do 2 days time - make sure your humanist leader can do that date and away you go

You might not get a choice of time though and if its a cremation you might not get the cremation you want or nearest and it might be early morning or late int he daytime

Sorry, but you're still not explaining it. You've said you can arrange a funeral within say, three days if a person is e.g Jewish. Why can't a Catholic, or Church of England or someone of no faith get the same service? What is so different that means someone of a different religion or none has to wait a month? What is the delay in that system?

I had Power of Attorney and was also executor for one elderly aunt, so was given the responsibility of organising the funeral. However, behind me I had a whole army of outspoken older women — her friends, sister, cousins, neighbour of 40 years — who fought any suggestions I made. My aunt died in the first week of January, and it was a very cold winter so several wanted to put the funeral off for a couple of months until the weather was better. But one of them was on holiday for much of March, so not then, and not Easter because some were offering childcare cover for grandchildren. Not a Monday because one of them had a voluntary job commitment for Mondays and not Friday because of M4 traffic (sic) And at noon at the earliest and 2pm the latest, so no one had to get up before dawn to catch trains/ drive and everyone could be home for bed by 10pm. The funeral was eventually held on a Tuesday in mid April and was a rather jolly affair.

There isn't enough space in the fridges! During covid there were bodies piled in the garage where they usually keep the hearse/limos, put on breeze blocks. It stunk, and things are close to being that bad again

Wow, your government should be ashamed of themselves.

Have they no respect for the dead or their loved ones.

We had DM ashes back within 10 days from tne cremation ceremony during the first lock down.

England and Australia, need to change this.

In January 2019 my gran and aunt died in the same week. Both funerals took over a month later, the wait was very difficult. Just felt like you were in limbo.

@Pluvia
i am glad it was a jolly affair at least!

My understanding from this thread, is that there is a bias.
And it's not to do with availability of cremation. Although that may be a factor for some people.
But I'm happy to be corrected

Its now much more common place for a vicar to cover 6/7 parish and a very busy schedule on funerals whereas other people of faith seem to have more slots for fitting in with the funeral times. How is that bias?

The fuck?!!

In Poland usually funeral is withing 2-3days

So your aunt’s body was kept in a store somewhere for 3 months whilst everyone checked their diaries?
I find that rather disrespectful.

I would accept your post except there is no lack of burial/cremation places in Australia and burials are often 2 weeks from the death.

Spain has a population close to 50 million today, and burials and cremations are done within 3 days.

There is some sort of tradition in place. Otherwise, the difference in burials/cremations don't make any sense.

The fuck?!!

No idea what you mean. Shock? Disbelief? Condemnation? Please elaborate.

I'm coming round to this way of thinking and I suspect all the bells and whistles will be a thing of the past in a generation or so.

DH wants a funeral but I'm not sure I do actually.

The bit about the funeral business being ghoulish is right but the adverts on the telly for straight cremation are appalling. Eventually kids will think their parents selfish if they do have a funeral.

What do you mean when you say it isn't about you? It is. You lost your parent.
I agree with you funerals are really difficult in my experience and it would be much better to have them quickly after the death whilst in the mourning phase.

My dad also died in April 2020, there was noone at the crem. Not a single person. Mum and I (the only attendees) were about ten minutes early, we sat in the car, there was noone about. The doors were locked. We worried we'd somehow got the wrong day.

But the hearse turned up exactly on time, just the driver, the guy with the trolley and one other person. We had no celebrant, noone else except us two. So no eulogy etc.

But there was definitely no queue at the crem before or after.

Surprised that you allowed others to dictate events to this extent. Presumably you didn't mind though? In which case it doesn't matter at all I suppose.

Freeze drying is another method that was being discussed some years back,the bodyis freeze dried and pulverized and treated in the same way as ashes.

My husband died during lockdown. It happened at home, so was treated by the police as 'an unexpected death' even though he was actually under the care of his doctor...but it happened during the night and they didn't interview her until the next morning - after he'd been taken away (against my wishes) to the central mortuary in Edinburgh.

(I wasn't totally unprepared for this. I know two other women who were carers for their husbands and they went through the same. I know that there are protocols to follow, but the local police seem to be very suspicious of wives who have cared for their husbands for years.)

Once the Procurator Fiscal read all the medical notes, he was released without the need for a post mortem and I was told that I could have the funeral a fortnight later, but late afternoon when (in the winter months) it would have been pitch black. The crem had made "an extra slot" available. (It wasn't covid per se that was the problem - there's one other crem in Fife and it was closed for an 'upgrade to the sound system'.)

I refused. I couldn't bear the idea of following the hearse in the dark and coming out into the pitch black, particularly when I was going to be on my own. I opted to wait another fortnight to get a morning slot.

I think everyone is different I prefer a long break before death and funeral because I have found it has helped me grieve and plan but it would be good if we could have a choice. The last funeral I went to for a very close family member took place about 6 weeks after he died. Another years ago took place around a week later I found with that people expected me to have for over it because the funeral had taken place.

Because the law relating to this only came into being late last year

@Bloodybrambles - it can be impossible to plan a funeral any faster. When my mum died, there had to be a post mortem, and the hospital won't release the body until that's done. Then you have to consider the people who want to be there, and try to pick a date that suits as many as possible of the closest relatives and friends. Then you have to look at the availability of the church or crematorium, and of venues for the wake afterwards. My lovely MIL died in early December, and as a very active church member, we had to have her funeral in her church, but as it was the run up to Christmas, there were a lot of extra things happening in the church, and we had to plan around them.

I think that most people don't want to wait for ages for the funeral, but practical considerations force a later date.

Direct cremation is becoming popular now. There is nothing wrong with it.

I would accept your post except there is no lack of burial/cremation places in Australia and burials are often 2 weeks from the death

you were speaking about a late funeral being a tradition in England - what goes on in Australia I have no idea

My mum died on the 16th January and we had her funeral yesterday on the 14th February. That was the first available date offered to us. It was a long time to wait.

Mum was in hospital for 3 weeks prior to her death and it still took nearly 2 weeks to get her death certificate. That is what was the hardest for me as you can’t really do anything without the bloody death certificate.

We had no vicar, no celebrant, no-one for my mum's, we just did it ourselves.

So the four week delay wasn't due to vicar's parishes!