To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

Yes, some people will want to know more than others. I believe that most of the unattended cremations happen in the first slot of the morning, i.e. about 8.40am, because those slots aren't generally used for attended funerals as it's too early.

Which is why I liked our undertakers approach. They asked me if I wanted to know those things. I did, so they told me, but I could have been told nothing.

I suspect that there are staffing issues that contribute to delays in holding the funeral - not enough pathologists to do PMs, not enough Registrars to register the deaths, not enough vicars and priests to hold the funerals (I can't speak to availability in other religions, but I know that, in C of E and Catholic churches, one priest or vicar can be covering several parishes) - and all of this can add up to delays, especially in winter, when there are more deaths.

Better staffing would seem to be the answer, but I don't know where the money would come from.

In our town, we were "lucky" because the registrar had a cancellation. She only works in the office two days per week anyway apparently, and somehow "works from home" for another two days - heaven knows how she manages that when you have to attend the register office in person for deaths, marriages, etc. and presumably she wouldn't be impressed if you turned up at her home!

I wonder if delays could be reduced if the staff actually worked full time and actually in the register office??

My husband died during lockdown and the process was conducted over the telephone. I don't recommend it - it added to the stress. You really need to be able to do it in person. I agree that two days a week is inadequate.

Sorry about your parent passing OP ..🌺

I live in Ireland & it’s literally 3 days..
I’ve always thought , the amount of time in Uk when someone passes is very unfair on family….

It was 5 weeks before we could have my father's funeral. I organised all the music, etc and wrote his eulogy. That helped me a lot as although the funeral was quite traditional, I felt I was able to celebrate his life through what I wrote knowing that others who attended shared my fondeness and respect for my dad through there own relationship with him, be that as a friend, relative or old colleague, (he was almost 95 when he died)
But the funeral wasn't the last goodbye because when we buried his ashes a few weeks later, I said goodbye all over again! Over a year on and of course I miss him but I have many lovely memories which make me smile, not sad.

I've often wondered how this is even possible. Can someone explain?

It's 3-4 days here the in the US, too. I think it would be so hard when you were at the point of it being a month or 6 weeks later and you'd already kind of started to live with it, and gotten used to the person being gone, and then you get thrown back into it by having the funeral then.

@squishee - I suspect that, if a post mortem is needed, there will be a dispensation for the funeral to take place later. A lot of deaths won't require a post mortem.

Are there fewer undertakers or something?
When my parents went, a few year ago now admittedly, it was one week and I felt that was long.
My friends Dad died recently and it was 3 weeks which I though was hellish, just prolonging everything before you can start to think about healing. From this thread it seems they were lucky. They had a lair in the cemetery, apparently it would have been much longer for a cremation.

It's more than undertakers.

It's crematorium/church slots.

It's availability of vicars/celebrants.

Availability of a suitable venue for the after drinks/snacks.

Delays in the post mortem

Delays issuing death certificate

Delays registering the death

Delays getting the burial/cremation approval form.

Even delays with grave diggers.

Ever increasing population, but no new crematoriums being built, no additional resources re all the formalities, etc.

When my dad died in 2022, we knew exactly what we wanted, where and who was taking the service. He died early on a Tuesday and we buried him 2 weeks later on the Thursday.
We met the funeral director the day after he died ; DSM already had the interim death certificate and the FD took it to forward to the council. Registration was over the phone but they don't do appointments; instead they just give you a call so we had to allow time for that to happen. The FD guided us as to what week we needed to go for in terms of registration, getting the grave dug, etc. We ended up with the Thursday due to a grandchild with an exam, the minister's availability and the availability of the village hall which we wanted to the funeral tea. There was no one factor on its own which led to the time gap between my dad's death and his funeral.

I left the funeral industry 6 years ago and since then, at least 5 new crematoria have opened in Scotland plus one existing one has added a third service room. I can think of several more crematoria which opened in the years I worked in the industry.

My mum passed away with cancer on may 7th it's not her funeral until June 17th.😭😭

It's so terrible how long it takes in the UK! Why is that ?

In Ireland it's max a week !

YANBU, it should be no more than a week provided there aren't suspicious circumstances that mean the body needs to be held longer. I'd also introduce a version of the old Roman law that funerals have to take place at night.

@Dancingintherainxxx

multiple factors, can take 2-3 days to get the medical certificate, then you need to register the death which may mean travelling to do so only then can you book the funeral and cremations get Booked up. However if you are willing to have it at 9am or 5pm especially midweek you can get a slot much quicker than Friday lunchtime because everyone wants that.

Sorry, but you're still not explaining it. You've said you can arrange a funeral within say, three days if a person is e.g Jewish. Why can't a Catholic, or Church of England or someone of no faith get the same service? What is so different that means someone of a different religion or none has to wait a month? What is the delay in that system?

Round here if you are Catholic your funeral can be done very quickly. Once you get the death certificate, which takes the same time for any faith here, the time until funeral depends entirely on availability of the next bits.

Crematorium - 4/6 weeks because there's just not enough available slots.

Humanist or registrar service with burial - usually 2/3 weeks depending on gravediggers (longer if you want a registrar celebrant on a Friday in wedding season).

CofE- usually within 2 weeks of being buried in the churchyard. Longer if being buried in the cock cemetery.

Catholic - 2/3 days because they have gravediggers on standby and the priest will fit in a funeral asap.

I’m afraid I’ve never found it therapeutic, just long, drawn out agony until it’s finally over. After my mother in laws funeral I said to my husband why on earth do we put ourselves through this, it’s just horrible. I’m tempted towards direct cremation although I’m unsure how other family members would feel about that.
For myself I’m really not bothered what happens, I won’t be there! Well, I will but you know what I mean !

As someone with Indian friends and married to an Irish partner I sit in the middle ground here. Absolutely 8 weeks is ridiculous, but then I struggle to understand how those that have the funeral 24 or 48 hours after a death (or even really that week) manage. Especially when nowadays people live far away, often in other countries, and have pressures of work and family, etc. When families lived together or at least close and a village might be your ‘wider’ community, doing it that close was fine, but nowadays it feels like an enormous pressure. And that’s not considering how you cope emotionally- getting over the shock, having to deal with the arrangements, with lots of people descending on you and doing things like writing eulogies and choosing music etc etc.
Two to three weeks sounds perfect. Less or more is hard.

I'm so very sorry for your loss @TealSwan

It does not help that some registry offices still operate in covid times. Before, you turned up with the paperwork between the opening hours then either got the DC there or picked it up the following day.

I've not a clue ?

I also don't understand why it takes so long for the funeral to take place. Earlier this year it took 5 weeks and I don't understand why. Under hospice care, death certificate took a week but funeral date was arranged within 2 days. I think that the delay could be with the funeral directors.

It's usually either the crematorium or cemetery grave diggers that cause the delays in many places, especially the crems - there simply aren't enough slots