To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

I’m Jewish and I was coming here to say that we have funerals as quickly as we possibly can. I’ve always thought it must be terribly hard if you have to wait longer. The Jewish way also takes some of the politics out of organising a date.

I don’t know what mechanics are in place that enable this, but I do think it seems preferable.

I will never understand this, our funerals in Ireland/NI are all 3 days after death, I've only been at one that was 6 days after and that's because of a close family member not being able to get a flight home until then.

It’s mostly crematorium availability. They can only put so many through the system daily so there’s a limited number of slots Fewer and fewer are opting for burial and not enough new crematoria are being built. In cultures where there’s a religious requirement for the deceased to be buried as soon as possible things still happen quickly. In Ireland funerals still happen quickly because burial is still the norm.

Yanbu OP. Funerals in my opinion are horrible, morbid, and only made worse by a long delay.

Honestly, if you don't want to go, I wouldn't.

Luckily more peoole are choosing a simple unattended body disposal.

"Paying your respects" is a nonsense.

The funeral industry is ghoulish.

You'll feel relief after the funeral. It worked out better for us to have a gap as late dh's family needed to apply for visas from south Africa, but I do remember the relief afterwards

How could OP be more proactive? Everything was specified but she needed to book a date which would satisfied others involved e.g crematorium, priest, funeral director… Do you suggest that she should have booked them in advance? And then what ? Notify her parent about date of their funeral? Don’t be ridiculous.

I completely understand. After the death of my parents all I wanted was to recover slowly, day by day taking steps to normality. I found the waiting period very hard and that the funerals did set me back. If I had my way I'd not have had funerals. They offered no comfort or closure and served as nothing more than yet another harrowing experience to get through. I hope your wait isn't too long and the funeral doesn't add too greatly to your distress. Sorry for your loss.

I've said to my dc I'd rather have a direct cremation and they go for a picnic at the local park. I said to only hold a funeral if they feel it will help them.

I actually preferred having five weeks between my mother’s death and her funeral. I could not have coped with doing it any more quickly – 3-4 days blows my mind; we were barely standing 3-4 days later – and we would not have been able to organise what we did on such short notice. As it was, it was “perfect” (aside from the part where I didn’t want it to be happening at all).

But it’s understandable not everyone feels that way and a fast-track system would be good.

I agree, when I was young it was about 2 weeks, and that seemed much better. It marked an end point, the worst of the grieving was over. People would go to the food and drinks after the funeral, and you'd see the mood visibly lighten and people start to relax and share interesting stories and catch up.

Then life continued, pretty much back to normal for most. I think now it feels like people are held in limbo, unable to move on, knowing they still have this to get through.

We managed to get the crem inside two weeks. We then had a church service/life celebration later on.

by the end is was also in the boat of ‘this needs to be over and done with now’.

🌷

Book ahead?!? ‘Righto Gladys pet, this is all dragging on a bit unnecessarily, the funeral is booked for a week on Tuesday so off you pop. Yep anytime between now and Saturday would be great thanks, just close your eyes and think of the great beyond, that’s it, gently does it off you go, we’ve got a funeral to attend’ 🙄🙄

I do wonder if some posters are quite alright.

OP, I completely understand your thoughts, not going is absolutely an option if you don’t feel like it would help. Funerals are for the living so if you don’t want to go it’s a completely reasonable choice.

Are you ok? Your brain seems to have malfunctioned

Before they’ve died? What a horrible unfeeling comment.

@Klovos

I'm sorry if you're upset about something in your life, but no need to take it on me. Not that I mind a lack of decorum, but it's derailing the post
Ohh. You are one of those.
Go away this is not the right thread for you.

In Ireland we have the funeral a few days after a death. I can't imagine waiting weeks. The funeral is a huge part of the grieving process.

The thing I have found unexpected with direct cremation was that I didn't expect us to be told exactly when it was going to be - eg, it will take place between 7.30 and 8.00 am next Tuesday. I found it quite hard to be making lunches, getting children out the door for school and all the while thinking that my parent was being cremated. I don't know if there's an option to not know exactly when it's taking place, but I'd have preferred to just hear that it had happened.

I find it really strange that funerals are so long after the death in some parts of the country. In NI they happen within a few days. I would hate to have to go back to work for weeks or even a month and be getting back to some sort of normality and then have to go through the funeral. At least in NI, if it's a close family member, you'd likely be off work until the funeral and then go back and start getting back to normal life. So I really feel for you, it sounds like a real emotional rollercoaster.

OP stated that the funeral WAS planned ahead, by her parent. It’s not the lack of planning, it’s availability of funeral staff and crematoria etc that delays funerals in England.

Mostly, if a person dies in the morning, the removal (first part) takes place the following evening, with the funeral itself happening the day after so all done and dusted on day 3. If they die later in the day, the removal might not happen until day 3 with the funeral on day 4. It can be delayed a couple of days for family members to get home.

I can't imagine waiting a month for the funeral to happen. It would be very difficult to get on with normal life in the interim but at the same time, you need to.

Sorry for your loss and sorry you have the extra stress of waiting for the funeral.

We had two funerals in quick succession (for deaths not so much funeral). Delay was crem slots and celebrant availability. Have to say I was glad of the 4 week wait for second, I was organising single handled, it was a long distance from where I live, many people - who I didn't know - had views about what should be done, and I'd just been through another one. I needed a break. But I suppose doing it fast would have got it over with. (Death cert process also took 10 days - that was GP issue. Would have been impossible for that reason too).

Will you just pack it in? You seem to be going out of your way to cause upset on this thread. If you're bored there are plenty of threads on Mumsnet where you can act the arse, but ffs grow up, have some 'decorum' as you put it and take it somewhere else.

How do you do that?

I get this. I didn't know exactly when last time, but thank you for saying this can happen. I'll ask not to be told, next time.

This!