To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

My uncle who I was very close to died a few years back. His family chose to have him cremated unattended very soon after his death and around 6 months later they had a memorial service in the church then a meal afterwards. I thought it was lovely and wonder why more families don't do this. The rawness of their loss, for me anyway, was gone and although I was still upset on the day it was also a lovely day of laughter and reflection on his life.

I live in Australia which follows English tradition of late funerals, and I don't get it.

In Spain where I come from, the funeral is done within 3 days of the death. It gives people closure without having to wait weeks to say their goodbyes.

Waiting weeks it's nuts and emotionally challenging for loved ones.

the op mother had already made the funeral plans in this case

It is bad management too.

My mam died at tne height of Covid, April 2020.

The queue for the crematorium was like something I would not like to see again.

it was still within 3 days.

Well I would also prefer that my mum didn't have to wait 5 weeks to be buried but unfortunately she wasn't Jewish or Muslim.
So wait we did.

That's really unfair that the authorities have the power to get some funerals done and others weeks/months later.

I'm sorry for all the pp's impacted. 💐

My partner works in the funeral industry and the lack of crem slots is such a massive problem.

You're only thinking about it from the perspective of the loved ones - which of course is the main issue - but think about what happens to the funeral homes with a month's worth of deceased there. There isn't enough space in the fridges! During covid there were bodies piled in the garage where they usually keep the hearse/limos, put on breeze blocks. It stunk, and things are close to being that bad again. DP is on call every few weeks to pick up people who pass away at night, and they're getting to the point where they literally have nowhere to put them. It is horrendous.

This isn’t about me.

Funerals aren't for the person who died, they are for the people who are bereaved, to help them process some of the emotions and an opportunity to say goodbye/ celebrate/ mourn the person.

It is about you.

I understand where you are coming from completely, and I felt similarly when I lost someone a couple of years ago, and the funeral took almost two months to arrange. It was hard because it's like you are in limbo waiting.

All I would say is that whilst, yes, of course you should respect your parent's wishes for what kind of music, clothing, venue etc they wanted, you definitely don't have to behave in any particular way or put on any kind of public display of mourning. Do what feels right for you - even if that means you don't even go.

You don't actually have to attend. It doesn't matter what others think - this is your journey and you should deal with it how you need to.

We’ve had a new private one built near us about 5 years ago, prior to that we had to travel to the nearest city to their council owned one but the wait times have still gone up I went to a funeral yesterday and person died 7 Jan,

in the place I work , they have different processes for different faiths.
We have a different system for faith deaths out of hours.
It doesn’t always work and we do get a lot of calls when we can’t make it happen as quickly as some would like at times.
We do explain it is the law now but we are not always understood.

It was also a lovely day of laughter and reflection on his life.
6 months or 3 days wouldn't change this.
Funerals are very sad but also a lovely day of laughter and reflection on their life.

What a bloody insensitive comment, the poster is grieving the death of parents.
Proactive next time. Her parents have died there won't be a next time. You really are thick and stupid.

Yes, I want a direct cremation for myself. People don't all have to make the same choices all over the world as you would.

It’s not fair , no.

It is too long and it will affect your grieving process. It’s awful.

I’ll be having a direct cremation like dh.

So there is a preferential system for other faiths?

There's also a new form of body disposal being pioneered in the States which is far better environmentally - composting. It takes about 4 months and at the end of it the family are given some of the earth you've become rather than ashes. I've told dh I'd like to be composted, if that's an option when the time comes, otherwise green burial.

Sorry quote didnot show in my post.

So if it's a homicide it's prioritised for post mortem and coroner and I'm assuming all samples and evidence is taken and body laid to rest whilst investigation continues. This process will take longer than a usual straight forward death. The shady stuff usually happens with the evidence/paperwork if there is any shady stuff @Saggyknickers

I think in some cases the body is re dug up even if it's years later :/ but most cases aren't shady, and not everyone is related to some high profile politician or some billionaire philanthropist where they need to erase the steps of the murder to avoid tracing it back to "someone's" nephew.

The gist of it is I guess in ancient times with no refrigeration and particularly in hot countries, is to bury the deceased asap to avoid what happens to bodies in heat if left out. The body needs to meet the soil asap, it needs to be laid to rest. A lot of countries across the world have quick and efficient practices when it comes to funerals from Dr's signing off to catering to burial to transportation just like how they are quicker to sell a house unlike the UK.

Alondra

there isn't a tradition of late funerals, there is a lack of burial/cremation places meaning it takes longer.

40 Years ago a funeral in England took 5/7 days but the population has increased by over 15 million, without many new places for funerals.

If you want a funeral on Monday morning at 9am without a particular vicar or priest - then you'll get one in 10 days time. 9am is not a popular time. Fridays and Saturdays are most popular and late morning or early afternoon

Shipman was the cause of this https://www.politicshome.com/news/article/funerals-taking-three-weeks-longer-usual-across-england-wales-system-struggles-cope-new-regulations Plus some registry offices still operate like in covid times - had to book an appointment. Not turn up on spec and get the certificate issued.

I agree waiting a month or longer is far too long IMO. Next week, it's a year since my beloved Nanan died. Her funeral was a month after her death. The 10-12 days before the funeral, I was just wanting the funeral and get it out of the way.

I think employers need to increase the time period for bereavement leave. 3-5 days isn't long enough for the organiser/executor/child of the deceased. Everyone at my last employer who lost a parent had to take time off sick. Thus this is wasting GPs' time by issuing fit notes. Everyone took the time off between death and funeral.

Also increase the time off to allow family to travel. In 2004, I was living in Leeds and my other grandmother died in Guildford. I was only allowed to have one day off. I fought to get the day before off as its 220 miles away and funeral was at 10am. My then employer presumed everyone has family living nearby. I had no car then. I finally got the call from HQ 2 days before the funeral that I could take 2 days off, paid. Travelled back to Leicester the day before to stay over at my parents. Then early in the morning, we travelled down to Guildford. One blessing was that the funeral was Friday so travelled back on Sunday.

I actually tried to do this. We knew my mum was end of life, so I went to the funeral directors to try to get ahead. They wouldn't do or book anything. They can't do anything without the "green form", you don't get the green form until you register the death, you can't register the death until you've got a death certificate, you can't get a death certificate until a doctor had reviewed the circumstances.....etc.

So, it's not possible.

I got all the details of what I would need and I lined up the caterer, though obviously we had no idea of a date because that is driven by burial ground and funeral directors availablity.

It was still four weeks after the death.

I actually feel like you shouldn't be rushed into all this admin and arranging stuff. I think you should have up to 6m to plan and decide what to do. I think if we'd had more time we might have done things differently, more family would have been able to come, etc.

It's also pretty grim trying to think about designing an order of service, etc, whilst the person is still alive!

My understanding from this thread, is that there is a bias.

And it's not to do with availability of cremation. Although that may be a factor for some people.

But I'm happy to be corrected.

Sorry, I meant to quote the person who said to be proactive.

I understand your feelings. When my OH died it was several weeks before the funeral could take place and my distress was compounded by thinking of him in a fridge. Silly I know, but it disturbed me.

In the last 10 years, where I live, 2 new crematoriums have opened. Still the wait is too long.

Hmmm... *goes off to investigate setting up a natural burial / composting ground..