To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

That's awful OP. Both my parents died during lockdowns in 2020 (Mum a week after the 1st one started, dad 2 days after the second), and the longest we had to wait was for dad's which was 13 days.
Deepest sympathies to you OP.

Muslims also bury on the same day or next day.

I understand and have been there. I have relatives in other countries and they seem to manage things much faster than in the UK.

The funeral is an important part in the healing process but it will be difficult. Try to look after yourself.

In the Scottish Highlands where I am from funerals when a postmortem isn't required are very quick. If you die on Friday you could be in the ground by Tuesday. When my DH relative died in England I was incredulous that the funeral would be three weeks later. I totally understand why you feel the way you do op. It really puts the grieving process on hold, you are in a kind of limbo.

Im sorry for your loss, a parent is such a big loss

Sadly though there are not enough crematoriums and too many people dying. If more crematoriums were built then funerals could take place in under 2 weeks.

Could you have got another vicar or had the funeral in the early morning or an unpopular time to get the funeral closer to the death date?

Agreed we have just waited 3 weeks for my dad's and it felt very weird sorting his home (needs done asap as it was rented) and going through my dad's belongings before the funeral has even taken place.
There was uncertainty about wether we would be able to have a viewing the night before - in the end we were but I know others have been advised not to due to the length of time passing.

How does that work if there needs to be a post mortem, or don't they allow them? Must mean it's a lot easier for shadiness to occur!

In my culture they take place quickly. I prefer it this way. My dad died on a Tuesday and the funeral was on Thursday. My auntie died on Thursday and the funeral was on Saturday.

My friend died and the funeral was a month later. I found this so much harder emotionally.

Jewish people also bury very quickly.

Yes, it's awful.

I heard a comedian joke, by the time your funeral date arrives in the UK, the neighbours have forgotten that you existed.

I really appreciate that a funeral happens within 3 days of the person passing in Ireland.

I found it difficult knowing DM was the hospital morge for 2 nights.

I understand Ireland is tiny in comparison to the UK.

It was quick but the emotions were raw and we were ready.

Wow of all the crass replies! Have some empathy

You can plan it to an extend but you can’t book a slot at the crematorium until the person is actually dead

In Spain funerals generally happen within 48 hours of death. It's not a religious requirement there (they're largely Catholic) but I wonder if it's a cultural hangover from the days of Islamic rule?

Are burials quicker if it's to do with crems?

@Bloodybrambles My dear grandma passed just after Christmas, she did not “believe” in funerals and did not attend any herself whilst she was alive. We all
decided to go with a non attended cremation as that what she would have wanted and like my uncle said “why have an attended cremation and service and put ourselves through the pain” and we all agreed. What we had instead was a celebration of life or get together and there were no tears just swapping stories and memories, it was held in a village club and we had all the food my grandma loved, lots of photos, a memory table and a bouncy castle for the kids even! She’d have loved it and approved. everyone came away feeling we’d done her proud. Made me think that that’s what I would want for my family when the time came. Like you say, you start to heal then a funeral just opens up the wound and much worse there’s such a wait. Plus I just think all that money is kinda wasted! The money we saved we donated to the palliative care ward where she passed away as they were fabulous and they are self funded so in my mind a much better idea.

Isn’t it also the case that cremation is environmentally damaging? I’m not posting with an agenda about this, I just know I’ve heard that is the case — so I wonder if that is part of the reason there aren’t many new crematoria being built.

Perhaps there’s a feeling the regulatory environment in that business is likely to tighten in the coming years and therefore there’s less of an appetite for investment in the actual buildings.

We waited for 5 weeks for my dads in 2021.

Currently in the 6 week wait for a close friend.

It's horrendous

2nd sentence in the OP states that the decease had organised every part of their funeral. The problem OP has is coordinating availability of the three main parties I.e church, crem and FD. There's only so much that can be organised before hand. Nobody can actually book a date until the person passes.

No it doesn’t. Funerals still happen within 24-48 hours of the death. Much better IMO. It’s a well oiled machine. You literally tell the funeral team about the death and they do everything else. You just turn up at the allotted time

Yanbu. Dm funeral was a full month later.

The OP already said it was all planned

That doesn't answer the question though. You're saying it can be done quickly for some faiths. Why can't it be done quickly for everyone? Why is the process different?

I think it's a very recent thing. Not Covid. When my DM died on 9th Dec 2023 I got the funeral on 20th December.

We used to be able to have a funeral 3/4 days after the death.
Now our council has stipulated there can only be 4 burials in the whole county on any one day - 2 at 10.40 and 2 at 1 40 I think. So you're going to have church services at 9am.
Now it's at least a 2 week wait.

It does have a high carbon footprint but I think it's just a lack of money in the LA that's stopping the expansion. At least round here all crematoria are publicly owned.