To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

Where I live in rural Scotland they are getting longer.

Previously was around a week afterwards, occasionally up to a fortnight but that was considered long.

Now three weeks is more the norm.

Recent bereavement in England and the death certificate from the hospital took a week. And it wasn't an unexpected death. Until you have that nothing else can be confirmed.

How do they enable some funerals to happn faster? I completely get it OP. You're just recovering and then a funeral. It's not happening to everyone so I wonder what the difference is.

We did my Dad’s in 10 days but that was considered extremely fast. It was actually almost a month after his v unexpected death but there were (imo) cock ups with the GP which led to delays and we had to wait for a PM. So 10 days from the PM and being told they would release the body for the funeral.

We had the service in the crem in the next county because we couldn’t get a slot in his local two.

We spoke to quite a few funeral directors from bigger companies that couldn’t help, said it would be at least 3weeks from being given the OK by the coroner. They seemed very inflexible and almost like they had a tick list they wanted us to go through.

However, we found a small independent FD in my local village (about 30 min away from where my parents live), who was amazing. He saw me first thing the next morning after emailing him the OOH evening before. He was all the things you hope for in a FD- kind and compassionate but also bent over backwards to help sort things quickly, eg coming over in the evening two days before to sort out the OOS when there was an issue with the photographs.

We were like you in that we wanted to move things forward as there had been delays at the start of the process- it took a whole week for the GP to respond to the coroner, FFS. I found it incredibly difficult being in limbo. We had added issues that we had family in far flung places and they’d had to book flights etc before confirmation of the service due to logistics, so I was incredibly grateful to our FD.

Sorry for your loss OP, it’s such a difficult time.

An unattended body disposal! Good God.

My cousin in England died and they had to wait over a month for the crematorium slot, it was so awful on the family. Thankfully in Ireland its only usually 3 days.

My mum has planned a direct cremation. I'm still unsure about the whole thing really 😔 I'm aware they use the very early slots for direct cremation but I didn't know they give you a date.

I agree - you are just about getting it together and then the funeral comes along weeks later. My Dad died 2010 and Mum 2017 and both had a months gap. It was down to lack of Crematorium slots in their case.

What do you mean by "good god" please?

OP says they are dreading having to grieve in a very public, sobre ceremonial affair. She is not being unreasonable.

Its a faith obligation and the burial was likely in ground owned/controled by the community so they would be able to dig a grave as a community. So no "red tape" once a death cert was issued.

OP sorry for your loss.
I can understand how hard it is to start healing when you know you will have a service which pulls you back into the time of your parent.

The service is about you and your family so its hard as life goes on without you and you feel in limbo watching it from afar.

It's horrible OP and I do sympathise that feeling of being in limbo, just waiting to start getting back to "normal".
Three days was standard when I was growing up and that seemed just about right but it has gradually gone up and up.

Totally agree. My parents died years ago and it was no different then. I have a friend who died recently after a protracted illness, in a hospice, yet the funeral was a month later. There's definitely something amiss with the system.

We had a 6 week wait, it was awful and it's not even too long compared to others. But it really did loom over me for weeks and weeks.

How do you do that before someone has died ?
OP has already said the details of the funeral are planned.

Having just been to a funeral that was on day 3 (NI) it's preferable to the 2/3 week waits we have here. I think it's partly so much quicker there because they keep the person at home in the days before so everyone can go and visit and pay their respects. Even when my cousin in Belfast died and had a cremation it was still on day 3, whereas when my mum died it was a 2 week wait for a suitable date at the crem.

It's got worse in the last few months in England due to changes in the death certification process.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/changes-to-the-death-certification-process/an-overview-of-the-death-certification-reforms

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ce3l239yn7xo

We've had a couple of deaths in the last few months and it's a real mess. I find doing it within a couple of days very hard as well, as I've been to a few like that, but this is no better.

I work loosely in this area. There are different rules for different faiths.
Eg Muslims are supposed be buried within 24 hours.

Hopefully that silly comment about planning ahead made you laugh OP! Yeah I think if you planned it for the summer there wouldn't have been so long a wait...

It is rubbish, it hasn't been like this always (I think pre-covid it really was maybe 2 weeks max?).

Practically as well, it means not putting a body in the earth / cremated in a timely way too, it's horrible they are not 'laid to rest' however they wish in a reasonable time. I'm not remotely spiritual or religious, it's about respect for me.

There isn't much coverage on this at all, not at all sure the tide will turn any time soon without some galvinising of change somehow....?

when my dad died during covid i knew the undertakers well. we had been conned by his cleaner and there was no way i wanted her at the funeral. i was very lucky they kept a short notice date for people who for reasons of their faith had to have a quick funeral after them dying, only waited 6 days , i know nowadays people are having to wait weeks , sorry for your loss

I totally agree with you. It’s awful. I’m not sure how this has happened - was it a Covid backlog that has never been caught up, or what. It needs sorting out. But as others have said some religions, e.g. Jewish and Muslim, still usually have funerals within a few days at most, so I don’t know why it’s different for others. Having the funeral quickly is still hard of course, but at least all the main awfulness is over quite soon and you can start grieving properly.

Evidentially you’ve not planned a funeral, if you had you would know that even if the death is expected that the funeral home need the death certificate from the hospital. Until that point the crematorium or other facilities will not take your booking. Clearly you’re a see you next Tuesday but someone is looking for others who have been in similar situations, which many of us have. I hope the same situation is bestowed on you at some point. You’re detailing the post of someone who is grieving, is it really necessary?

Disgraceful comment! What's wrong with you?

Yes the pre booked funeral slot how’s that work? How does one compel the individual to die to schedule?

That's really not fair. What if my humanist faith needs it done quickly too?

If this delay is due to changes in the death certification process(as pp say), how does it make a difference what faith you are?

I appreciate you may not know...

8 weeks! That's awful, so sorry