To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

The rules only changed last year. I wonder how this impacts on those from faiths where a quick burial is expected.

i am sorry op
i do understand
just when you think you have come to terms with the death, you then have to have a funeral, weeks later.
i hope you can have a good service, memorial of their life

I hadn't thought of that. It must do, mustn't it 😔

Maybe you could try actually answering the questions put to you rather than just making statements that make no sense and then talking about decorum.

Decorum would be explaining what you actually meant by planning ahead given that the funeral was all planned and it just takes this long to find a date and liaise with all parties.

oh i have just read they wanted a sombre occasion,
can you lighten it a bit, for your sake?

My dad died in the early hours of a Thursday morning (not unexpectedly), and was buried on the following Tuesday. That's a pretty common time frame where I live.

I suppose if someone dies suddenly, it might be nice to have some time to plan, or to get over the shock, but quite honestly I was so glad to get it over with, and very grateful that the funeral home took over and got things done.

Must vary on area but also on how fussy you are about dates, times, people and places.

We've just buried our MIL which was two weeks to the day since she died in the hospital. When my mother died, the funeral was 8 days after she died and that was with a post mortem!

But we had no specific requirements. MIL's cremation was 9.30 in the morning which the undertaker said was the first available date/time as it was unpopular due to being so early, but that if we wanted a more "popular" time i.e. late morning of mid afternoon, it would have been a couple of weeks later.

For my mother, it sounds awful, but we were in a hurry for specific reasons, and the undertaker found us a chapel/vicar who could fit it in at short notice, whereas if we'd wanted her parish church and parish vicar, it would have been 2/3 weeks later. She wasn't religious and had no affiliation to her local church/vicar so she didn't care where the service was to be held nor who the vicar would be. We had her buried in her local parish church graveyard which was her only preference.

A lot of different people/places have to be aligned and the "fussier" you are about places, times, people, etc., then it's inevitable that things will take longer. It's not always the undertaker nor council who are the ones holding things up - they can't book a date/time if the vicar/church/crematorium is already booked, nor if their own hearse/cars and staff are already booked for another funeral the same morning/afternoon.

🤣🤣🤣

Glad you've not lost your sense of humour OP!

I agree with you, it's shit. We're in exactly the same position and waiting 5 weeks to bury the relative even though everything was planned to the letter. Even getting hold of the death certificate was a nightmare, phones not being answered etc. Thank god for my db who handled it all and has endless patience.

Im sure in the past it used to be that people were buried/cremated within a couple of weeks? This seems to be a thing since covid. I feel like some things just never went back to normal.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? The parents had "organised every part of their funeral". The problem was the inability to get a slot.

I cannot fathom for one second how other countries rush through this process.

I was in absolutely no place to organize and host a funeral with in days of losing my loved ones. I honestly couldn't think of anything worse to be forced on you in that moment.

The dead are not going anywhere, theres no rush. Let people deal with the loss in time without having to entertain the whole parade instantly through their darkest moment.

Yes when I've had to arrange them, for just a cremation and committal, no church/burial involved, it's been at least 2-3 weeks wait. Time of year doesn't help either, they are busier in the winter months.

Planning the funeral is not the problem, or at least it wasn't in our case. It was the lack of capacity at all the local crematoria.

i hope you can have a good wake afterwards op @Bloodybrambles at least

I understand. We are currently in the between period with DHs grandmother. There will be 4 weeks exactly between her death and her funeral. We are grateful it's not longer but it still feels too long.
She was very much loved and more like a mother to him (his mum is not at all like a mother to him) and the symbolism of the funeral and the emotional release it will hopefully provide are much needed in this instance, I feel.

I just wish it had been sooner as life has gone on whilst my husband struggles with a real undercurrent of grief.

I remember there was a few weeks between my dad dying and the funeral because he died in the winter and apparently that's a busy time? I didn't mind the wait as I couldn't face that final goodbye so welcomed the time. Six weeks is a terrible delay though

Maybe it’ll depend on the circs. My DM died shortly before the entire family was going to be away for at least a week for a family wedding. But we’d never have been able to have the funeral beforehand - for a start, although she was 97 with advanced dementia, we still had to wait for a coroner’s approval before the death certificate could be issued, because she hadn’t seen her own GP, only a locum, in the immediate period before she died. Which to me was daft, but there you go.

TBH I was just relieved that she hadn’t died while we were all away - at least one of us could be with her - not that she was at all aware. And we couldn’t be too sad that she was gone - it really was more of a ‘merciful release’. I certainly didn’t like to think of her in ‘cold storage’ until the funeral could finally take place, over 3 weeks later, but I know her former self would have told me not to worry about it.
I’m well aware that in different circs I might well have felt very differently.

Sorry for your loss OP. I have thought the same recently with a family member and close friends parents dying. Is it all to do with the Harold shipman thing? Even a few years ago it feels like it took less time and I agree, it must feel like an awful limbo period for the family.

Totally agree, my mum died November 23, mother in law November 24. You feel like you're living in limbo waiting for it to come and be passed so you can try move on with your life. I'm sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss OP. 💐I agree, it really doesn't help with the grieving process when there's a long wait till the funeral, it's that feeling of picking at the wound as you say. We had to wait two weeks for my dad and three for my FIL, so not as bad as a month, but there's definitely that sense with funerals of having to prise everything open again just when life is starting to feel a bit more manageable.

My mum mentioned when my dad passed that there never used to be so long a wait, so I'm guessing this is down to the population being bigger now, plus more deaths in the winter, it isn't easy to deal with though. Be kind to yourself. 💐

(Edited to add: condolences also to others on the thread who are recently bereaved.)

I went through a MMC and the hospital hosted free cremation funerals for babies lost during pregnancy. It was a deal the hospital made with the local crematorium and it made use of all those slots because they always sit empty, they're available to book constantly but no one wants them early on a week day.

We had 8.30am on a Wednesday.

The worst times in my life so far have been the immediate weeks following a miscarriage, and the time between my parents dying and their funerals. Luckily for me it was only about a week both times. But it's like absolute purgatory. It feels like you're still living with the immediacy of the death.

Been to 2 funerals lately and both where the only ones listed that afternoon.

I can only think that the crem was busy doing quick cheap cremations...or someone is not telling the full story

In Ireland the person is buried/cremated within a few days. It's an exhausting few days with visitors/commiserators but when it's done, it's done. I couldn't imagined dragging out so long. Why the delay? Not sure what it's like in other European countries.

It can be difficult. My late MiL died days before Christmas and it was not unexpected - she was 92 and very much had slowed down - but sudden. We had to wait about 8 weeks.

My DH was buried 3 weeks after he died, unexpected death. Because of what needed to be organised, the church, service books, horse drawn hearse, opening of the family grave, bells etc as well as pre-booked holidays that could not be postponed without huge loss, the only slot we could have was 9.30 on a mid-week morning. I was afraid this would be too early for many, with friends and family travelling from London, Yorkshire, Wales, Devon, Lancs (everyone came, church packed). To me it seemed too fast - but that was just my perspective.

It takes time to get the death certificate and the crematorium gets booked up especially if you want a Friday (most people seem to) churches will have a variety of regular uses so you need to fit around that.

If anyone is reading this and is in the position of needing to sort a funeral (I work for a church) consider have a church funeral and the committal at the gate / church entrance then have an unattended cremation, it's coordinating two separate services that tends to be an issue

Finally please be aware that if your loved one doesn't die in hospital and hasn't just seen a doctor there will likely be more delays as they need to be satisfied with cause of death, been through this ourselves, I know this is horrible to think about but just because someone is old it doesn't mean there couldn't be a more sinister cause of death, they have to be sure.

I know this is all pretty blunt, but I promise you nobody is delaying things deliberately