To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

When my husband died - as was the case for another two widows who were their husband's carer - Police Scotland insisted on taking formal statements and treated the deaths as 'unexpected' and sent reports to the Procurator Fiscal.

All three men were 'under the care of a doctor' but the local plods erroneously thought that it only counted if they were in hospital.

My man was in his 80s and had been ill for years. There was a very long list of health conditions on the GP's report. My friend's husband had MS and was paralysed from the neck down. The other lady's husband had terminal cancer.

In her case, the GP had already signed the death certificate and the undertaker had taken the body.

In her case - unbelievably - local police turned up on her doorstep, insisted that she had to make a statement and told her that she shouldn't have let the undertaker take the body. Yes, the proper paperwork was all in order.

When the police attended my house, I was on my own. I was asked how I'd met my husband, who owned the house...

When I told them that it was mine - bought before I married - they were clearly deflated.

I only knew what to expect because of what had happened to the other two ladies.

(The same police force that allowed a pretty blonde to claim that her boyfriend had stabbed himself to death. His parents have been trying to have the case re-opened for years, but Fife CID destroyed the forensics.)

Apparently, if you're a woman who's cared for her husband for years, they have to ensure that you're not a murderess.

My Jewish friend had a burial 24 hours after the death. I think my Muslim friend managed similar. It seems if your religion has certain rules on death and burial everyone works hard to get it sorted. My grandparents both had weeks to wait for their Catholic burial.

I worked as a funeral director for 20 years and believe me there's a lot more to it than people think. If it's a cremation you need 2 Dr's to sign the paperwork. The first Dr. Is the one that looked after the deceased in their final days. Either G.P or hospital / hospice Dr. This is time consuming in itself sometimes they're quick sometimes they aren't. These have to be signed off by a medical referee. A coroners case can sometimes be longer as the coroner is in charge and tells the family when they can book the funeral. Then there's availability at the place of worship/ crematorium. Church services the incumbent priest is in charge so we have to work around that. January and February are notoriously busy months due to a higher death rate and backlog from Christmas and New year. In my experience we did try and get the earliest date for the funeral but depending on what the family wanted it was not always possible.

I can't believe you have to wait a whole month after a death for a funeral, I think it's very cruel, I'm in Ireland and usually it's 2 to 3 days after the person passes, very sorry for your loss

This five weeks between my dad’s death and the funeral were the longest weeks I had to live through. I lived 250 miles away from my mum, and was constantly traveling to support her. As a family we did this but I wish we would have dealt with the funeral sooner. There were just not enough slots at the crematorium. Awful experience. Sending love your way x

My parents funerals took about a month each. They passed 5 years apart. Even though df was buried first and we already had a double plot for them, still took a month.
My grandmother’s funeral took 3 days in Hungary.
This is where the saying ‘in limbo’ comes from.

Legally, in France, funerals are within 5 days of death except for exceptional circumstances - a bit too quick really

Thanks for your input. It does sound like streamlining is required though. With death certificates, surely a qualified Dr can look at the records and say eg, this person died in a hospice or hospital after a terminal illness diagnosis. It shouldn't really need the specific Dr who was treating.

With cremations and burials, unless the deceased or their family were religious, As previously said, services could be held anywhere and cremation of the body later in the day. Or in the case of burial, have licensed gravediggers rather than rely on Council workers.

Not sure I'd agree with the post Christmas rush being totally to blame. Long periods between death and burial/cremation were happening all last year.

To the people who took the time to enlighten us all on Jewish customs. Many thanks.

My thoughts there are I'd rather the funeral was quick. I don't like the idea of a loved one essentially being kept in a fridge for a long period.

I'm actually the opposite, I wasn't ready for the funeral planned 2 weeks later. Deeply grieving, was putting together photo books, memories, creating a poem and life story. I felt I needed more time and needed to immerse myself into it all. I know we had goodbye but it didn't seem real so for me I found it so difficult to do it officially. Xx

You have my sympathies. It was circa 3 weeks for both my parents (within 11 months of each other). Fortunately, they both wanted direct cremations and very informal life celebrations. I wouldn't have wanted to wait any longer and would have hated to sit around the coffin each time. I'm sorry you are having to go through this but once it's over you will feel so much better.

It is a nightmare and everything is on hold. My dad died unexpectedly so had to have a postmortem. Died Jan and funeral was April. Between coroner taking until March and then Vicar on holiday. It was very hard.

I live in northern Ireland so funerals are always 2-3 days after here. When my grandparents in England died their bodies were kept in a morgue and not their house. It was weird as we didn't have a wake the day before the funeral or anything. When my partners granny died last year we kept her body in her home and people came for the 2 days to day goodbye and to pay their respects before we carried her body to the church. We eat good for weeks with all the food brought over.

However, a funeral can go ahead in Ireland just with a death certificate without the need to register beforehand.
Thank you for clarifying this.
I though I'd lost my mind as I remember registering the deaths well after the funerals.
l was doubting myself reading this thread, we follow a lot of similar rules to the UK.

Yes, my DM passed in 2004, and two doctors had to sign then.

Two of my relatives have passed in the last week (husband and wife), and it seems the joint funeral for them will be in about a month's time.

My ex-DH had an unattended cremation in 2019, and then about a week later we all got together for a drink in his memory. It went so well that myself and my partner have now paid for our own unattended cremations. I am so pleased my two DC will not have to go through the trauma of a funeral.

I thought they only told you after the cremation had happened. We weren't told in advance when my ex-DH died. It was explained to me that no details were given beforehand just in case people showed up.

I was asked if I wanted to be informed when the body was moved.

It’s mainly because it’s a hot country. So for practical reasons. There are ways now to keep a body ‘on ice’ but they haven’t changed their process.

We were told the date but not the time, which for me was exactly the right level of detail. But it’s so personal what you want to know, isn’t it?

I am originally from a Latin American country, where the dead must be buried within 24 hours. I really can't understand the long wait in Anglo-Saxon countries...

In Australasia it’s usually under a week. Britain is an outlier and it’s ridiculous. I’ve buried loved ones in both England and down under and the situation (long waits) in London at least is ridiculous. But many people don’t realise how different it is elsewhere and don’t kick up a fuss to try and change the system.

YANBU. We waited 5 weeks for my Mum’s funeral recently. I felt the same as you. Your wording is very accurate. I was starting to heal and it unpicked an old wound again. I was told it isn’t that the crematorium is booked up it’s trying to get the staff from the funeral directors. If all the funerals nearby are using the same funeral directors there will be a shortage. We have two crematoriums nearby but if there are burials taking place also you can imagine the situation. Made sense when it was explained like that.

In 2015 I had to wait 6 weeks for my partners funeral. Expected death, no inquest, nothing special.

In 2017 my step mom's funeral was 5 weeks post death, again no special circumstances.

It's not covid related..

YANBU I'm Irish and I find the long gap between a death and the person's funeral in England a bit strange. We have ours 3-4 days afterwards barring exceptional circumstances. I've always wondered why. I'm so sorry for your loss and the fact that you can't yet properly grieve and try to get back to some kind of routine to help with the grieving process.