To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

When my mother died pre-millennium, her funeral took place within 5 days, in spite of the need for a post mortem. When my father died 15 years later, it was almost a month before a service could be arranged. Same place, same time of year.
Population changes with no increased crematoria must account for some of that, though it still varies between areas. A friend and I recently lost close relatives within a couple of days of each other. Ours was considered fast because the cremation took place in under 3 weeks. My friend's family has to wait an additional fortnight.
I do think that a little additional time to prepare a good eulogy and get arrangements right can be useful. My mother's death was both sudden and untimely, and having written eulogies for other family members with less trauma and more thinking time, I regret delegating that to someone with less need to grieve.

How inconvenient of people to die.

Wow! Didn’t know is the norm know. We had a family death last month and where I’m from the funeral is usually within 24 hrs. It was a struggle to delay by a couple of days so that I could get there ( my flight was over 20 hrs).

I really don't get the lack of priority for (or the red tape around) dealing with death in the UK. I'm British but living in Azerbaijan for 25 years, which is a Muslim country. Here the dead are buried within 24 hours pretty much without fail, whatever the cause of death.

So with no notice at all and no advance planning, the day after the death there is a gathering of family and friends either at home or in a funerary hall (can easily be up to 200+ people), people take time off work, plus washing the body, finding/buying/preparing a cemetery, grave and burial. I've not been closely involved with a funeral, but..all the organisations are just geared up to this timescale.

If the gathering is at home then there is usually a marquee pitched in the street, with food served, separately for men and women. So the marquee goes up, gets used and comes down in maybe 48 hours end-to-end. If it's a big marquee for a lot of people, the street gets closed. Nobody complains. In the funerary hall (not quite sure what it's called officially) again separate rooms for men and women, food served, imam saying prayers, etc.

If it's someone from your office (even a parent of someone in your office), pretty much the whole office will turn out. No company issues, it's just what you do.

And after that, closest family and friends off to the cemetery for the actual burial. All that...by the end of the next day.

That's kind of the point, no? People do die so we should have the infrastructure to inter/dispose of their remains respectfully and in a timely manner.

As for my father's death, that was a blessing (when it finally came) not an inconvenience. But the pain of his loss would have been helped if we hadn't also had to bear the fact that he was basically decomposing in a freezer for 2 months whilst we waited to say our final goodbyes.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

When my mum died in October we were able to have the funeral 8 days after her death and my sister thought it was far too soon. You can't please everyone.

Not surprised at cost of digging, it was £600 to inter my brother's ashes in my father's grave. Plus tip to grave digger (he was waiting to fill the hole).

Having been in a place where I was helping book funerals you get everyone wants to book the crem between about 11 and 3 or preferably either at 12 or 2 depending on how far people have to travel. So I don't think extending the times would please many people.

Booking a crematorium slot to fit in with 10am Mass was always a challenge. The 11am slot is the best one to follow morning Mass but it's also convenient for families wanting to then go on for a sit-down lunch or who want mourners to not have to travel in rush hour. I had one family who wanted a particular church and a particular crematorium and it was advent so there were days when the priest wouldn't include a funeral in Mass because they were holy days but the family wanted the funeral before Christmas. I thought I had it sorted for the Saturday before Christmas but they weren't willing to pay the Saturday surcharges so they didn't get their funeral before Christmas - sometimes the family isn't blameless in the length of time between a death and the funeral.

At our local council cemetery they just use a digger. There is little skill. The graves are often sunken and uneven afterwards.

Fresh graves in open land isn't the same as reopening an already possibly full grave in the middle of a dense graveyard. No digger is getting in amidst there! Our sexton was paid to dig by hand to inter a tiny urn.

Not possible in an large cemetary when the grave is already occupied. Ashes needed only a small hole. A grey day and we read Ecclesiastes for my brother, who ended his own life. It was sunny when we placed my mum in the same grave.
DH's grave was hand dug as well - in the middle of a row and a row on both sides. I don't know how much that cost, but I know the undertaker itemised it. His grandsons, nephew, step-son and son-in-law lowered him into the grave and a red kite flew overhead, all the way from Wales.

The cemetery I am referring to has been around for many many decades. They get the digger in and finish the sides by hand. Still charge absolutely loads.

So sorry for your loss. The world really tips when you loose a parent.

For my dad we had to wait 8 weeks. I had to leave my mum and go back to Ireland to work and see my own family. Then travel back once a week to support my mum until we could have the cremation.
It was horrific.

As many have said in Ireland we have funerals within 3 days but I’d say this is largely due to majority being buried and already having a family plot.

The body is returned to the home for the wake and family stay with the deceased until the removal to the church. It’s not to everyone’s liking but I found it so hard that my dad was somewhere for 8 weeks on his own.

I hope you can find some comfort along the way…. It’s hard to describe the limbo feeling.
Wishing you strength to get though this week x

The body is washed and dressed according to religious rituals but Judiaism does not allow the viewing of the dead. Some Jews prefer to be cremated, but for Orthodox Jews only burial is allowed.

You can see the person. We were invited in immediately before the funeral as immediate family to see the person before they closed the coffin.

Apologies if this is an offensive question, it isn't meant that way. With Jews, are the bodies prepared in the same way as what would be considered common among British undertakers? By that I mean the body made presentable and viewed prior.

Not an offensive question at all. Thank you for asking.
After death the deceased is not left alone. When my dad died at home I kept watch over him all night until he was collected by the undertaker the following day.
The body is washed and dressed in a simple shroud. Men are sometimes wrapped in their tallus (prayer shawl).
We do not view or visit the deceased before the funeral which will usually be held very quickly (even the same day sometimes or the following day).
Coffins are very simple and there are no flowers.
This is because you leave life with no more than you entered it with.
We do not visit the grave until the Stonesetting ceremony which is usually 6 - 12 months after the burial. This is when the headstone is blessed by the Rabbi.
Mourners place a stone on the grave to signify that they have visited.
If you’ve ever seen the film Schindler’s list, you will have seen the survivors visiting his grave at the end and placing stones there.

As many have said in Ireland we have funerals within 3 days but I’d say this is largely due to majority being buried and already having a family plot.

I don't think that's the reason. It has always been that way, it is part of our culture.

Using an occupied grave, takes extra time.

People rarely get buried due to costs these days, it's mainly crematorium and never delayed.

We thought Dbro was hilarious when he bought 2 plots aged 30 in 2007.

He's laughing now.

His two plots cost less than the crematorium boxes on site that we purchased in 2020.

The culture was no preservation of the body so similar to the 72H spanish law 3 days is functional. Untill recently RC could not be cremated.

The Faiths owning the land will be a thing too as once there is minister of their faith they sign off on the service it includes grave openings. Plus if not RC or CoI most faiths cluster for their school which had place of worship and burial ground.

There is an urban/ country divide in crematorium. Land costs in Dublin would run towards the millions for non residantial zoned plots

WRT to the time it takes to have a funeral in UK v. for example ROI, a big issue might be the need to register a death in UK before a funeral, which can take time. However, a funeral can go ahead in Ireland just with a death certificate without the need to register beforehand. Registration of the death in Ireland can be done up to three months afterwards, and in some cases up to twelve months after.

Would that be an additional explanation in addition to crem space etc.?

Sort of? But how do UK Corner Court death certs work as the cause of death is open?

I'm not sure, but I think the funeral is delayed until the outcome of the coroner's decision. However, in Ireland, I think an interim death certificate is issued and the inquest takes place after the funeral.

That's just what I think though.

In Ireland the death cert is not used for burial

You need a death notification form, which you can get from the doctor who attended the person. [Or a postmortem ia carried out]

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/death/when-someone-dies-in-ireland/#6c4de1

So in the UK that could be similar ie be 2 doctors or postmorteum

Death notification form is then used for the cert for the legal stuff.
https://www2.hse.ie/services/births-deaths-and-marriages/register/death/

In Dublin there are 4 crematorium with a population of 1 million. So the same ratio as Bristol (you would assume) of deaths to crematoria. And realistically you will be buried within 3 days of passing so it can’t just be that.

Even taking into that burial is still far more popular than cremation here I can’t see how it equates to a x10 delay in funeral dates. Cremation is becoming more and more popular in Ireland as burial sites are limited and it’s becoming more and more expensive to have a traditional burial but this hasn’t (so far) had any impact on the time it takes for a service after passing

I'm in Ireland and when mil died unexpectedly (though she wasn't in great health) it was Saturday night. The post mortem was Monday morning and the undertaker collected the body on the Monday afternoon. The removal at the funeral home was the Tuesday night and the burial on the Wednesday morning. Now I know that timeline is getting pushed out due to increased population and more deaths so a lot does depend on when you die so nowadays it can be a week rather than the traditional two to three days. As pp have said there is just a slick operation involving death. Quite a lot of cremations now and a lot of direct cremations with no funeral.

YANBU - I lost my mum a week before Christmas and had to wait 5 weeks for the funeral. In between, we had Christmas etc and as you say life goes on but it just felt like a mill stone waiting for the actual funeral. I feel much better now it’s done and dusted (no pun intended!).