To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

Do you have evidence of this?

Because a lot of people on this thread are claiming that no one is treated preferentially.

And their own undertakers and a very tight community that swings into action when someone dies.

Over here in Belfast our funerals are usually within 2-3 days every single time, never ever a wait. Wonder what we do different, although we do have local family business undertakers who are just brilliant.

Some people are talking about a 'direct cremation' being the simplest option, yet not as simple as saying "oh no how awful", and putting the phone down - if it's a hospital ringing to tell you that your xxxx has died.

We're reading what you're writing, @Pinkywoo We know what exactly what you meant.

Because a lot of people on this thread are claiming that no one is treated preferentially.
It is fairly obvious that some deaths take preference on timing due to cultural, religious beliefs.

We also had to wait ten days for the ‘green form’ - I’ve also got a feeling that it might have been longer.

There’s been no stalling our end.

I don’t want to be flamed (no pun intended I swear!) but I said crem just to not make the post completely outing but my parent is having a burial. Maybe that’s why we’re ‘only’ having to wait two weeks between getting the green form and the date.

I also made a joke about digging the hole ourselves after hearing how much it’s going to cost, and the diggers only working part-time.

I’m feeling much better about the whole thing. Thank you mumsnet.

My apologies, @MrsSkylerWhite - I should have realised that. I blame too much blood in my caffeine system!

I have family in Co Antrim and it's the same. Within an hour of my FIL dying at lunchtime the neighbours and friends started arriving with platters of sandwiches and got the tea on and the whiskey out. He was whisked away by the undertakers and then delivered back for the wake in the early evening. By the time he was returned and the wake was really starting, the minister had been and it had been agreed to postpone the funeral for 24 hours to enable people to fly over from the US and London. He died on the Tuesday and was buried on the Friday, but if it wasn't for the Americans he could have gone into the ground on Thursday. It's the way it's always been done and continues to be done. Everyone is buried, usually by the local undertaker,, so no need for the crematorium, and most people (it seems, anyway) have a church, know the minister and usually a family grave or plot. If the death is anticipated and the GP has been involved it's all plain sailing.

It'll be interesting to see whether the old way is maintained or not.

Yes actually. I work in this industry.
There will be occasions when a religious burial will not take place within the preferred timescales such as if the coroner is involved but it is absolutely the case that the deaths are a priority.
The green to allow the burial is often issued prior to registration (once the paperwork is received by the register office).
Look at most registration district websites - they will almost all (in urban areas at least) have out of hours details for religious requirements.
Here is just a random selection from London offices
https://www.camden.gov.uk/register-a-death
https://www.towerhamlets.gov.uk/lgnl/advice_and_benefits/Births-deaths-and-marriages/Deaths/Register_a_death.aspx
https://www.barnet.gov.uk/births-deaths-and-certificates/deaths/register-death#title-5
https://hackney.gov.uk/deaths

I have read back what I've written and don't know where you get that opinion from ? I haven't arranged a funeral on England so I have no idea how it works and was surprised it can take so long to get a death certificate. I just wondered how this would affect being able to bury someone within 2-3 days, others have explained that using a funeral director within the religious community makes everything quicker but the certificate is the one thing that can hold things up.

Sorry if I worded that wrong, I said certain religions as I didn't know if there are others that need to have the funeral quickly too.

I can't understand the long delay either. If it is for getting the grave opened, surely undertakers could employ gravediggers. Cremations, surely the actual cremation could continue into the night or if more capacity is needed, build more furnaces.

A large number of deaths happen under medical care, so death certificates shouldn't be an issue. I'd have thought most councils now have computerised registers, so see no need to delay getting the green slip for burial/cremation.

"random selection from London" and then proceeds to only share ones with unusually high Jewish and/or Muslim populations 😂

Anyway, looked at the Barnet one and it says "If you require an urgent burial or cremation, the Register Office has a registrar on call from 9am to 11am during Saturdays, Sundays and Bank Holidays." - no mention of it only applying to religious people. It's just that it's mostly religious people taking them up on the offer.

Thank you for the links confirming the sort of arrangements I mentioned earlier, useres101848woyr and @TheWordWomanIsTaken

Some may consider these appropriate and some may not, but all the same it's good to have a definitive answer as to what happens around religious/cultural expectations

I have no idea my mum died recently and her funeral next week will take place almost a month after her death she's being cremated
My Uncle died a few days later and his funeral is a couple of weeks after my mum's so even longer and he's being buried
Both were elderly and in ill health so it's pretty straightforward no coroners court etc

In fact, only Tower Hamlets seems to even make mention of religion at all. The other 3 don't, and one of them says they'll only expedite if you can prove funeral will happen within 24 hours.

? what a bizarre comment?
you seem determined to think that there is an agenda when I have simply outlined that the religious deaths are prioritised for precisely the reason that a burial is required quickly.
I haven't made a judgement on this nor do I actually care that they are???
I said look at registration offices websites and included a few links randomly.
Here's a few more:
https://www.richmond.gov.uk/registration_of_deaths#faith
https://www.harrow.gov.uk/births-deaths-marriages/register-death
https://www.islington.gov.uk/birth-death-marriage-and-citizenship/register-a-death
There are 32 London boroughs for you to choose from. Lots of other urban areas will offer the same service.
Who do you think is using the out of hours service if not for religious purposes??
Bonkers

Most cemeteries (certainly here in Scotland) are owned by the local council. There is no way that they can allow anyone other than their own gravediggers to dig a plot. It would result in people randomly digging a plot without paying the fees.
The delays in getting a crematorium slot are to do with the need for the service room, not the capacity to cremate.

I'm sorry for your loss @Bloodybrambles Muslim here, we bury our dead as soon as possible.

It sounds really hard, I hope you get the strength and support you need to get through it. Thoughts and prayers with you x

It's for anyone who wants a quick burial. "If you need to register a death urgently for an urgent burial within the next 24 hours, please email [email protected] and a registrar will contact you. You will be asked for evidence of a burial booking within 24 hours." Again no mention of religion. My point is it is open to whoever wants it, whereas people earlier were complaining it's not available to them. Someone mentioned what if they're a humanist why can't they have a quick burial and the answer is that it seems they can as long as they're able to find a cemetery able to act quickly enough.

Correct. We don’t use the normal funeral directors. Everything is done by a specific burial society. They have their own place to store the deceased and crucially every single funeral is identical. Other than bc a eulogy there is nothing personal. No flowers, no order of service, no readings. It’s identikit so it’s a well oiled machine. You literally tell them someone has died and they collect the body and do it all. Yoh dont choose a time or date. It’s given to you often with only 3 or 4 hours notice. Somehow, people pull together and get there. They usually have funerals back to back every half hour from about 8.30am until it gets dark.

But the religious who want a quick burial can get things done quicker than someone else who wants a quick cremation. And as most non-religious don't want burial, this is unfair.

In theory yes, that would be correct. But generally most families are not going to be burying within 24-48 hours because there is no religious requirement for them to do so.

I'm not sure I get why you are so salty about this? It's not a judgement, it just is the way it is.

In fact one coroner service, a few years ago, maintained that she would deal with cases as they came in with no priority for religious requirement.

She was taken to court and had to revise her policies.

A selection of links below in case you think the sources are biased 😂

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-43922000

https://www.thejc.com/news/coroner-mary-hassell-ordered-to-pay-costs-to-those-who-challenged-her-burial-policy-x25u5d6w

https://www.lawgazette.co.uk/law/chief-coroner-considers-cab-rank-burial-rule-to-be-unlawful/5065076.article

https://www.theguardian.com/law/2018/apr/27/london-coroners-cab-rank-policy-ruled-discriminatory

It was be hold up from the hospital/medical referee. Which was horrible as she’d died from a life limiting illness that she’d had for years and was under a consultant care in the hospital - I still don’t know why it took so long for them to decide what she died of.

Literally got the call from the hospital on Friday 31st Jan in the afternoon to say they’d issued the medical certificate and I went straight on the Registar booking system and got the first date available which was Tuesday 4th Feb.

Even Stannah won’t come and take the bloody stairlift without a copy of the death certificate!