To hate that funerals take place weeks after the death?

[Bloodybrambles]

I have the funeral of a parent this week. They had organised every part of their funeral and as their death was expected, there wasn’t no postmortem. However, between the funeral directors, the church and the crematorium, the earliest date we could have was just under a month.

As my parent had been ill for quite a few months, I had to put life on hold just incase that I was needed/having to do a trips back to my home town. Also didn’t feel in the mood to be living life normally with everything going on.

Life in this country continues after death, back to work, kids needs to be parented, trips to the bowling alley etc. Can’t say life is completely back to normal but I’ve made peace with them passing and it’s no longer consuming my thoughts constantly. I know I’ll never be 100% back to normal but I feel like I’ve been happy again this last week or so. I’ve been singing along to the radio again.

What I feel like I’m dreading is the funeral. I feel like it’s picking at a wound that’s started to heal. My parent wanted a very traditional funeral, no expense spared, very somber, no ‘celebration of life’ type affair. DH says what they’ve asked for is completely normal, for people to be sad and mourn for them.

I’m just rambling now, but I wish we could have had this in the first week. I’ve already had to make peace to continue waking up everyday for my family. I don’t want to grieve again, especially in a very public, and ceremonial type affair.

I know I have to put on my big girl pants and go. This isn’t about me. But if I could choose to have a 24 hour bug I’d take it.

Having tow place of service caused the delay. Sometimes people have a service with the crematorium taking place at a later date.

A Recent family funeral would have been delayed if we had wanted the big funeral cars. We just drove to the church ourselves.

I'm sorry for your loss - even if expected it's a horrible thing to go through.

I think it's just a very personal thing.

When my dad died in 2021 it was expected to a degree and just under four weeks. I'd always thought it was too long between but for me it was really helpful.

I needed that time to organise things, admittedly but I'd already given it some thought. There were personal additions that I wanted to add which took time and ultimately I found the process quite important to me.

I am sorry for your loss. It does seem to the the norm now!! I know when my grandfather died just before the first lockdown my granny wanted it done asap and it was just under 2 weeks after however it was a church service and there seems to be less of a wait for them here compared to crematoriums. I am glad though as if it had been any longer we would have been in restrictions - thankfully we were able to hold a normal sized funeral just before everything got limited and feel for those who couldn’t do that. When my granny lost her son last year it was nearly a month but in that case I thought it was pretty quick as he did have to have a post mortem and a toxicology report (which actually came back after he was already cremated).

I think sometimes it can be down to paperwork being delayed too.

look after yourself 🌸

Many European countries it is within 48 hours, for example Spain, unless it is suspicious circumstances. I never understood why so long in the uk.

in the uk, do they charge per day for ‘holding’ the body until the funeral? I would t surprise me if the delay is profit related.

My dad's funeral was two and a half weeks after his death, which was because of a cancellation, which seemed a strange thing to cancel a funeral to me! It seems to be the norm to be at least three or four weeks.

When I worked in the funeral industry, the direct cremation slots were early in the morning, before the attended funerals, and they fitted in 3 a day. Direct cremations certainly weren't allocated an hour slot.

From that link - "All requests for out of hours urgent certification will be considered on a case by case basis"

So anyone can request it, regardless of religion. It's just that "certain religions" have the ability to also actually proceed with a swift burial following the expedited certification due to there not being long waiting times for burial slots. So the requests are made and often, but not always, granted and then a burial takes place.

For what it's worth, we were denied an expedited certification for my FIL as the guy in charge had gone home, so had to wait until the morning. And that's despite us belonging to a "certain religion" 😱 It's almost like there isn't actually any preferential treatment based on religion, and we're actually all treated equally.

(Sarcasm not directed at you @useres101848woyr but at the people desperately trying to claim that Jewish people and Muslims get some kind of preferential treatment not available to others.)

Cross post and I can see this was answered above

Here in Ireland we usually have it done within 2 days.

The last couple of funerals in our family has took 3/4 days and that’s been unusual and long for us. So six weeks just sounds awful

I wasn't "desperately trying to claim" anything, just interested in the logistics. Many people have said they've had to wait up to two weeks so I wondered if there were assigned coroners for different circumstances (for example).

in scotland it seems to be within a week. In ireland the same. In france the same.
In England, they make you wait weeks. I dont know why.
I think it makes it worse for everyone, as you are in limbo.

It’s just taken me 2 weeks just to get a family members death certificate. I now have to wait nearly a week for an appointment with the undertaker to book a date and the funeral, which will no doubt be weeks. It’s an awful system.

If I put my Pollyanna hat firmly on - it might make it easier for people who really want to come but might struggle if they weren't given much notice, to attend. (Basically I agree with you though). Also I did feel that both of my parents' funerals were helpful and did lift a little of the grief.

I interpreted your wording "certain religions" as being a bit of a dig, as I've seen similar wording mentioned a few times on this thread now so my back is well and truly up. Sorry for misinterpreting your intentions.

As I have already mentioned, we don't always succeed in getting it expedited but once all the paperwork is done we then have the infrastructure in place to organise a swift burial which means there are no waiting times. That's the only difference. And the only reason for this is because our religion (Judaism in my case, but I think Islam is very similar in this respect) dictates that a burial should happen as soon as possible. However, in my grandmother's case it still took over 6 weeks so it's not always possible!

A funeral doesn't have to mean everyone in black, being sad all day, though, . My MIL asked everyone to wear bright colours to her funeral, and the day was a lovely, uplifting celebration of the wonderful person she had been.

Good, @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I was referring specifically to what OP’s parent wanted.

It was 3 weeks between my mother's very sudden, quite traumatic (for me) death and the funeral. There was a post mortem as well so that may have accounted for - what seemed like to me - the delay. I'm in Scotland.

I was shocked at the length of time because when I was a child, my sibling died on the Thursday and was buried on the Saturday, TWO days later. The only downside to that, I think, that there was no order of service - I assume there was no time to get them printed. Because of my age, I did not attend and I would have liked an order of service to look at when I was older. That seems a fairly trivial complaint in the grand scheme of things though.

The three week wait was hell. I was very shocked by what had happened and had to make all the arrangements on my own, plus field what seemed like endless phone calls from friends and relatives repeatedly calling to harangue me on when the funeral was. It appeared they were expecting a much speedier committal as well, beep, beep. 🙄.

I feel very sorry for people who have to wait 6 weeks and over, for a funeral for a person who died death from natural causes. How are you supposed to go back to work and function normally whilst dealing with all the sadmin and arrangements, plus just the general sense of it hanging over you?

The culprit of the delay of my Nanan’s funeral was the inept Sheffield Registry Office.

You can only register deaths in the area where people died. Even if they died of a heart attack whilst visiting somewhere. Which probably increases the timeframe of the funeral…..

Also, the faiths that have a burial a couple of days after the death usually have their own cemeteries and presumably their own gravediggers covering each cemetery so they won't be at the mercy of the council gravediggers who will be covering a number of cemeteries.

My mother in law died unexpectedly in 2023. She was Jewish and so the usual process would have been a funeral within 24 hours. However as it was unexpected (she was found dead at home approximately 3 days after she died) there had to have be a post mortem and police had to attend the house when her body was found before it was removed. We had hoped to have a non invasive PM but that didn't give the cause so it had to be a full one. This meant the funeral was delayed because we didn't have the death certificate for over a week. And then it was Yom Kippur so we had to wait again. However the undertaker was a Jewish firm so they are geared up to do the funeral quickly. Observant Jews are always buried never cremated so no wait for the crem and the coffin is a very simple wood box and the deceased wrapped in a winding sheet. The rabbi was notified as soon as her body had been removed by the funeral directors so everyone was ready to carry out their part of the funeral once we had the death certificate. Once we had that we were able to have the funeral the next day. Areas with a large Jewish population often have members of the community who can act as deputy registrars on weekends and bank holidays etc when the main register office is closed. This is arranged through Jewish burial societies which is supported through paying annual fees plus the annual membership of a synagogue. My mother in law basically went on Yom Tov only but paid £500 a year to be a member of the schul and then an extra £70 a year subscription to the burial society. She paid that from about the age of 30 every year . And didn't need it until she was in her 70s. This is how Jewish funerals can take place do quickly, the community fund additional provision to cover the needs of the faith where the main provision doesn't cover it. If you're Jewish and don't pay those fees then you won't be able to use these services.

Absolutely.
In Ireland the removal is usually in the evening around 6 o clock and later and the funeral the following morning so most people who want to attend will be able to go to one of them to sympathise.

That's not the Sheffield registry offices fault. That is what they have to do

I'm Irish and think the funerals here are far too soon.

I’m so sorry. Agree it’s a terrible system here that seems to cause added delays at every stage.

OP I completely agree. It’s shocking how far back funerals have been pushed back, resulting in often 5-7 weeks after death for the soonest possible slot in our part of England. A friend who lost her mother in December said it prolonged the grief and she ended up taking far more time off work that she otherwise would have done because she couldn’t face work with the funeral still looming. I’m sure I’d feel exactly the same.

Because when the death occurs the religious deaths take priority. So the Medical Examiner may have 20 deaths that they are dealing with and the religious one will go to the top of the list. And many register offices and Medical Examiner Offices (particularly in urban areas) will have staff on standby for at least a couple of hours at weekends to deal with the paperwork for the religious deaths.

I agree. The sooner, the better. I think it's healthier and better for the family that way. When I go, I hope there will be as little fuss as possible. The people who love me will continue to mourn and miss me, I'm sure, but I'd like them to get back to enjoying their lives quickly. Funerals, celebrations of life, etc should be about what's best for the closest family or friends, if no family remains, imo, and usually that would be something short and sweet—and within days of the death.