To be dreading the half term because of my daughter's neediness?

[Sacredhandbag]

Tbh not even just the half term, I dread weekends, especially in the winter.

My DD is 7. She is incredibly full on. She talks from the moment she wakes up to the moment she falls asleep. She never stops talking. Even on the rare occasion there's noone else in the room. You can't even cuddle up and watch a movie with her because she fidgits and talks and asks constantly never ending questions.
She wants attention ALL the time. She demands to be played with, in fact she doesn't even demand she just starts playing a game with me against my will. I'll be doing the washing up or something and she comes in and says, "we're playing catch now" and lobs a ball at me and then is like "mummy! You're supposed to catch it! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Why aren't you catching it?" Or she'll hand me a doll and tell me I'm the mum and she's the dad and then she'll demand I recite my lines. Doesn't matter if I'm the the middle of something else. If I am sat on the sofa, she will immediately jump on me and demand to be played with.
She also constantly complains. Because home is so tough I try to take her out which is hard when it's so cold and we have a limited budget. I also have an 11yo DS so finding things they both enjoy can be difficult. But when we're out, we will 9/10 come back all of us grumpy and exhausted because she will always find something to complain about and ruin the trip.
And she posseses ZERO patience which means she struggles to learn new things. She can barely read. We try and try to teach her new things to do to entertain her but if she can't get it right first time she throws a huge tantrum and cries and says she can't do anything. She won't keep trying she'll just cry

So AIBU to be at my wit's end with what to do with her this half term? It's not so bad when it's warmer because she plays out with neighbouring kids. But having her home is so hard. She's fun and has a great sense of humour and is incredibly loving but she is SUCH hard work.

Suggestions also welcome.

If she does have ADHD her brain is constantly searching for dopamine hits

Humans like dopamine. They can't have it all the time.

I wish people would stop medicalizing a 7 year old who has too much energy, is too demanding and lives with a somewhat fatigued and skint Mum.

Do you say no to her? Do you say if you want me to do x I need 10 minutes on my own? Have a timer and keep resetting it until she realises she won't get her time if she doesn't respect your boundary.

You need to teach her how to listen and give people time to talk as this will affect her friendships if it hasn't already.

Buy her some age appropriate workbooks.
Mine have a selection of CGP ones that I get from Amazon.
They have various maths books and literacy books (phonics, comprehension etc) and a handwriting book each.
They complete a page from two or three of their books per day.
It really helps calm them down between activities and obviously supports their school learning.
You could make it into a game where you’re “teacher” and you mark it and go through the questions and answers with her after but she has to complete it quietly like at school.

I don't know, to me it sounds like it might or might not be ADHD. 6 hours isn't necessarily an excessive amount of activity for a 7 year old. In previous generations 7 year olds played outside all day and were much more active than today. I also wonder whether she's an extrovert and you're an introvert? Not everyone needs quiet time to recharge, some people need social contact instead.

Until you can have her assessed it won't hurt to try parenting techniques for ADHD kids and to have very firm boundaries that protect your own wellbeing.

I think it’s a suggestion that worked for many generations of children up to now. Something has gone badly wrong. Where is the discipline? Where are the boundaries? Part of your job as a parent is to teach children that they don’t always come first. HTH

I have just read the ops posts. It’s known that girls mask with ADHD so they may not notice it at school because she’s hiding it.
both of my daughters never got a diagnosis until recently in their 20s because they masked. I asked the school aswell when one of them was 14 and they said there was nothing wrong. Now diagnosed with ADHD and autism. Totally different at home to at school or work.

Part of your job as a parent is to teach children that they don’t always come first. HTH

Good God! Controversial, you mean parenting is a job! They are not the centre of the universe?

That's a real shame as my suggestion was get her into a sports based holiday club. One by me was great for primary age kids in that it was a variety of sports and running around games all day. That would also help her with learning to wait, take turns etc. How does she do with those things specifically at school - waiting to read with the teacher or have work checked and so on? Ask them about that?

I would ask other parents if they know of any clubs. Sometimes people do if their kids do sports. You can say she is super energetic at the moment and needs to burn it off!

Honestly? It's a case of managing her expectations by ignoring her, she will learn to accept that you need to do the washing up!

Kids need to learn to be bored, to abuse themselves etc and there's a generation of children who can't because their parents fill their days constantly (yes I know it's not every family, I'm generalising). I know parents who are sahp and have their dc in 10+ classes and groups a week under the age of 3, it's crazy in my mind, then it's full time preschool, school, classes after school and at weekends so come the school holidays they don't know how to amuse themselves. Completely generalising I reiterate but this isn't uncommon, they looked at me as if I was mad when I suggested giving them an old sheet or duvet cover to play tents with (with table and chairs) last week

Sympathies, DC were euphemistically cashed "lively personalities" by school. Friends named ds "running boy" and we got lots of 'god he's like the Duracell bunny isn't he?' type comments. Despite the school (both primary and secondary) being adamant there was no reason to refer (but weirdly putting in measures like body breaks and sit/stand routines) he now has an ADHD diagnosis. Top tips, the GP really really does not need a school referral to refer...Get bossy with school and ask to observe DD in class, ask what interventions they have put in (for reading etc). At home, clubs are a godsend. We found sports where you had to be reactive or team sports good. Martial arts (we found a fab judo club, tried kick boxing but it was full of ADHD +oppositional kids so not great, judo was more controlled), hockey, tennis, football.... Anything with lots of immediate feedback. Lots of walks, trampolining (a god send in the garden) oh and try and see if there is a parkour club near you. Max strength fish oils helped a bit. You have to tag team as a parent otherwise it's knackering....And if your other DC is not quite as 'on' as your daughter you'll need to give them some protected space. Luckily for us dc2 is just as lively, albeit that makes for double trouble. Try not to worry, dc1 is on meds, predicted good A levels and is mostly a lovely chap...

I tend to agree

They definitely need to learn how to amuse themselves

My dm had 3 of us and I did as well and you need to get on.

Reminds me of my DS with ADHD.

He is impeccably behaved at school except he struggles to concentrate / daydream / fiddles.

He's chilled out a bit now he's 12, I think he gets more exhausted by school. But still constantly moving / climbing / talking unless on a screen. He does play obsessively the same games with the same toys by himself. Your DD may require body doubling. Luckily my other DC will play with him a lot.

We bought a gorilla gym and a trampoline which both help with sensory input and movement in the house.

Children like OP’s DD end up with ‘genuine problems’ when they suffer from low self esteem due to undiagnosed additional needs. Addiction, self harm, anxiety - all a result of unmet needs in school and at home.

This is true. Girls often don't get diagnosed until much later unlike boys. A CAMHS practitioner told me addiction and self harm is much high in girls with additional needs.

You need to start her getting used to playing on her own. Set her a timer and say she must play on her other win for that set amount everyday and keep increasing it.

same with reading. Same with learning. You can sit next to her but even if she tantrums. Let her then when she’s down she can come back to it. You have to giver her the tools to persevere. And wrap her up and take her to the park.

Also so the same for sitting still and quietly. 1/2/3 min daily. Sit quiet and think.

Ds is 10 and probably up until 9 him and most of his friends were very much like this in terms of Duracell bunny energy. He’d tart dancing next to me or say ‘we’re playing chasing’, tip me and start running. I explained to him that there were times I was busy and he needed to give me time to get things done or else everything would fall apart, sometimes it worked, sometimes I got a hurt look. He did ease off a bit though but to be honest since he’s my youngest I’d give in a lot and have fun. (Really not helpful I know!!!)

edited to add I made him play a bit with the others or on his own too, set him tasks etc, worked fifty percent of the time!! I will say try not to send her to screens to give you respite, now he’s older it’s a battle I face and I’d rather his default was the old ways!!!

My son is autistic and holidays are hard work. I find a routine helps massively. So example-

Monday-
7am Breakfast/dress
9am 1 hour screens (do housework prepare for day)
10 go to interactive museum (free due to year pass) take pack up
3pm play board games/toys
4pm screens (make tea)
5pm tea
6pm dad entertains kids
7pm start bedtime

Tuesday we will do park and dentists, if it's raining a movie
Wednesday is McDonald's and ice skating then Thursday and Friday they are with grandparents.

OP gently you daughter needs to hear the word no a lot more. She is ruling the roost and because it’s exhausting (I get it) you either give in or don’t enforce boundaries.

Jumping on you - Thats hurting someone against their will. Not acceptable and needs to have a consequence. Explaining after isn’t going to help:

Too bad if she doesn’t like being on her own - she needs to learn. You can’t entertain her all the time. When she ‘makes you play’, take the doll, hand it back to her and say I said I’m not playing now no. If she does it again take the dolls away.

I really think if you take more control of the situation you will feel better.

she sounds energetic and n need of boundaries and structure at home. But also sticking to it. Reinforce the boundary, insist sticking to her timings. Insist on finishing a task. Insist on reading. And when she fills up the chart of Completed task, she came get a reward of chosen activity or extra mum playtime etc.

at 7 they’re always buzzing, but saying no to constant involved play is fine.

Well yes of course, but if you've got a seven year old with no impulse control, very little consequential thinking and a high need for stimulation you'd be surprised by what can go wrong when you leave them to amuse themselves.
You have to of course ...hoping you've made the environment safe enough. Funnily enough they were great at playing by themselves, creative endless energy etc. But it was a bit boundless at times (turning all the lounge furniture into an assault course/seeing who could chuck the littlest the highest on the trampoline/climbing to the top of everything at great speed with no plan of how to get down). So as a parent you have to be that much more on it. There was never any quiet playing with Lego or colouring in or crafting. Everything was attacked with vigour and high energy.... Playmobil figures would become part of an elaborate game with the octonaut figures which escalated into an underwater battle between the sofas. Which if you weren't careful would quickly involve buckets of water or muddy goo...
I mean they were entertaining but knackering.
I was incredibly consistent with my two. There was always a consequence for poor behaviour. They knew the expectations and were given clear warnings/reminders if going off track. But with poor impulse control they still would (and be incredibly remorseful because they genuinely hadn't meant to use all dad's bean pies to build a wigwam in the bedroom..... They just got carried away in the moment whilst I was on a 20 min work call)

@hettie

Sounds like a nightmare

I think it's quite normal though for dc to make mess when your back is turned

Mine did throw the cushions everywhere

Your child could be masking at school- masking is a very common thing for girls in particular to do. If the SENCO and the GP never heard of it, they need to read up on it.
Push for diagnosis!

Is it that school aren’t seeing it or that they don’t recognise what they’re seeing?

I honestly think my mum could have written this post 30 years ago and I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. All my reports talk about a lack of self control, being too chatty and not applying myself enough but I was never really naughty so these behaviours were attributed to enthusiasm/excitement.

I’d go back over school reports and talk to her teachers about her behaviour to see if she’s genuinely a different child in school or they’re adhering to a stereotypical idea of ADHD as v naughty under performing children.

Maybe it’s her brain she needs to tire out more, not just physical exercise..? Can she do for example jig saws (by herself then obviously) for a set amount of time?

@Mumofoneandone it’s nothing to do with the GP.

GPs can’t refer kids for ADHD assessment without supporting paperwork from school. Where I work (and I have no reason to think other CAMHS departments are any different elsewhere in the UK) there are 2 forms to complete - one by school and one by parents. Some schools will have their own pro-forma, but if not, CAMHS have one they can use. As a GP, I literally can’t complete a referral without both forms. There’s a box I have to tick, and if I don’t tick it, the referral won’t send. There is no other referral pathway, other than patient-initiated private referrals. So the school have to be on board, otherwise it’s a non-starter.