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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading the half term because of my daughter's neediness?

317 replies

Sacredhandbag · 15/02/2025 10:35

Tbh not even just the half term, I dread weekends, especially in the winter.

My DD is 7. She is incredibly full on. She talks from the moment she wakes up to the moment she falls asleep. She never stops talking. Even on the rare occasion there's noone else in the room. You can't even cuddle up and watch a movie with her because she fidgits and talks and asks constantly never ending questions.
She wants attention ALL the time. She demands to be played with, in fact she doesn't even demand she just starts playing a game with me against my will. I'll be doing the washing up or something and she comes in and says, "we're playing catch now" and lobs a ball at me and then is like "mummy! You're supposed to catch it! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Why aren't you catching it?" Or she'll hand me a doll and tell me I'm the mum and she's the dad and then she'll demand I recite my lines. Doesn't matter if I'm the the middle of something else. If I am sat on the sofa, she will immediately jump on me and demand to be played with.
She also constantly complains. Because home is so tough I try to take her out which is hard when it's so cold and we have a limited budget. I also have an 11yo DS so finding things they both enjoy can be difficult. But when we're out, we will 9/10 come back all of us grumpy and exhausted because she will always find something to complain about and ruin the trip.
And she posseses ZERO patience which means she struggles to learn new things. She can barely read. We try and try to teach her new things to do to entertain her but if she can't get it right first time she throws a huge tantrum and cries and says she can't do anything. She won't keep trying she'll just cry

So AIBU to be at my wit's end with what to do with her this half term? It's not so bad when it's warmer because she plays out with neighbouring kids. But having her home is so hard. She's fun and has a great sense of humour and is incredibly loving but she is SUCH hard work.

Suggestions also welcome.

OP posts:
Sarahbackinthesaddle · 16/02/2025 20:49

My 8th dd is so full on, and a lot of her friends too.
Endless talking, quite demanding. I empathise!
Roller skating ( I sit and read) or cinema- can't talk in the cinema are my go to for a but if peace!

Original poster
Sacredhandbag · 16/02/2025 20:54

Dogsbreath7 · 16/02/2025 18:32

OP you are complaining about your daughter complaining. Listen to yourself. She has needs as a parent give them to her!

she sounds like she has adhd. But no she isn’t a child with additional needs she is just annoying to you. FS what a parent.

Speak to school about getting her assessed - the assessment needs school and home behaviours to be assessed. GP might be able to support the assessment form.

but really show some compassion. And educate your self on adhd in girls.

Excuse me? Did I say "no she isn't a child with additional needs"
No.
Read my posts please, you will also oser that I have spoken to the school. I came here for advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sacredhandbag · 16/02/2025 21:06

Thanks again for all the helpful comments, I'm genuinely very grateful but it's taking me ages to find time to read them all x

OP posts:
humanassy · 16/02/2025 21:28

Her presentation sounds very ADHD. Very talkative, impulsive, lacks patience, interrupts others, loses temper quickly, can’t play quietly, needs to be on the go. I would speak to your SENCO and GP about a referral if her behaviour impacts as heavily at school as it does as home. Medication can be life changing - many parents view it as a negative thing, but from personal experience, it can be life changing in extremely positive ways.

mimblewimble · 16/02/2025 21:28

Hi OP, just to add to all the ADHD voices...

Sounds just like my DS who has ADHD (and is autistic, but I don't think that's relevant from what you've written).

Primary school were similar when we raised it. It's taken us until age 13 to get an assessment - difficulties become much more apparent at secondary level.

I always feel guilty I can't give him as much attention as he wants. It's exhausting!

Dunnowhatimat · 16/02/2025 21:36

Not sure if this'll help, but I was a chatty, curious child. I used to ask loads of questions. So my Dad one day told me I have 20 questions a day I'm allowed to ask and he'll answer, but no more after. It did make me stop and have to think about my questions, especially the last few of the day. It was kinda fun too

LilySLE · 16/02/2025 23:13

My daughter is autistic with suspected ADHD. She has exactly what you describe about having a meltdown if she is unable to do something first time. She doesn’t have the concept of perseverance, or determination, or practice needed before a new skill can be acquired / perfected. If we suggest that she tries again she takes it as incredibly personal criticism. I have since read somewhere I’m sure that this can be a ND trait.

Illhaveapeepleasebob · 16/02/2025 23:29

I could have written this post, following with interest

Glasgowgal200 · 16/02/2025 23:53

You need to tell her that you are busy doing something important at the moment then once you are finished then you will be happy to play with her. Does she not have any friends from school etc she could ask over? I take it she is an only child? Are you a single parent?

icclemunchy · 17/02/2025 03:05

If you question them carefully you'll find that what the school mean is "she doesn't do anything that completely disrupts the class."

It was an offhand comment from a teacher that revealed our them Yr 4 DD still couldn't go into class at the beginning of the day and put her bag/coat away/ sit down etc without being constantly distracted and reminded what she needed to do.
When I pointed out to him that that wasn't 'normal' he seemed surprised!!

NavyBee · 17/02/2025 07:15

I would go back to the GP or go private. I don’t think this normal behaviour for her age and I don’t think she’s being naughty or your parenting is at fault. The fact that she manages in school is great but may just mean she can mask/hold it together for a period of time. It’s not unusual for girls (especially) to be underdiagnosed with conditions like ADHD or autism because they show different symptoms to boys/manage to mask and fit in at school in a way boys are less able to.

lentilbake16 · 17/02/2025 07:51

And still it goes on.. " go private". The OP has referred to limited rescources.
" it sounds like ADHD"...the MN experts
" my daughter is the same"....no she's not.

It sounds to me like a lively , talkative child who enjoys playing with friends and is a bit full on. Perhaps her Mum is tired, under pressure,struggling with winter and would like a bit of support.

Phineyj · 17/02/2025 08:29

Why are you so determined to minimise any potential additional needs @lentilbake16? A lot of adults have suffered misery from that kind of attitude. My own sister was one. My mother still bangs on about "labels". It's really damaged our relationship.

And budget notwithstanding, the only way you get any professional help with anything in 2025 Britain is to pay (or be exceedingly lucky or join a very long queue).

In the meantime there are books and other resources where the OP may find others have been through the same challenges and may be able to get tips and ideas.

Ideas other than chin up and try harder!

Festivespirit85 · 17/02/2025 08:37

lentilbake16 · 17/02/2025 07:51

And still it goes on.. " go private". The OP has referred to limited rescources.
" it sounds like ADHD"...the MN experts
" my daughter is the same"....no she's not.

It sounds to me like a lively , talkative child who enjoys playing with friends and is a bit full on. Perhaps her Mum is tired, under pressure,struggling with winter and would like a bit of support.

Please re-read your reply. You've firmly placed yourself in both your categories.

Clearly OP's child isn't just 'a bit full on.' Do you think OP would have written what she had if she thought that herself? 🙄

lentilbake16 · 17/02/2025 08:41

@Phineyj I suppose everybody comes at this from their own angle. If a person has direct experience of struggling with the system and additional needs I can see it would evoke strong feelings.
My own experience is indirect and direct. I had a child who had certain similarities to the OP. Unsettled, demanding attention and so on. Did he have ADHD? Does he still have it? I'm not sure. People change and develop and grow and their behavious modulates. I think , somehow we have forgotten this.
Indirect experience, professionaly makes me observe the rigours of Primary education which I believe is a contributory factor. If every waking hour is filled with reaching the next target, no wonder children don't want to meander about making models or colouring quietly in their rooms ( as if!)

Discodance1988 · 17/02/2025 08:52

Have you looked into ADHD, my 7 year old DS is ADHD and does similar things although he isn't always so full on with demands etc

Anon501178 · 17/02/2025 09:51

Sacredhandbag · 15/02/2025 10:35

Tbh not even just the half term, I dread weekends, especially in the winter.

My DD is 7. She is incredibly full on. She talks from the moment she wakes up to the moment she falls asleep. She never stops talking. Even on the rare occasion there's noone else in the room. You can't even cuddle up and watch a movie with her because she fidgits and talks and asks constantly never ending questions.
She wants attention ALL the time. She demands to be played with, in fact she doesn't even demand she just starts playing a game with me against my will. I'll be doing the washing up or something and she comes in and says, "we're playing catch now" and lobs a ball at me and then is like "mummy! You're supposed to catch it! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Why aren't you catching it?" Or she'll hand me a doll and tell me I'm the mum and she's the dad and then she'll demand I recite my lines. Doesn't matter if I'm the the middle of something else. If I am sat on the sofa, she will immediately jump on me and demand to be played with.
She also constantly complains. Because home is so tough I try to take her out which is hard when it's so cold and we have a limited budget. I also have an 11yo DS so finding things they both enjoy can be difficult. But when we're out, we will 9/10 come back all of us grumpy and exhausted because she will always find something to complain about and ruin the trip.
And she posseses ZERO patience which means she struggles to learn new things. She can barely read. We try and try to teach her new things to do to entertain her but if she can't get it right first time she throws a huge tantrum and cries and says she can't do anything. She won't keep trying she'll just cry

So AIBU to be at my wit's end with what to do with her this half term? It's not so bad when it's warmer because she plays out with neighbouring kids. But having her home is so hard. She's fun and has a great sense of humour and is incredibly loving but she is SUCH hard work.

Suggestions also welcome.

I'm not one who thinks diagnosises should be given lightly, but this sounds like ADHD or possibly ASD to me.
Sending empathy as I am also mum to a needy 7yo with ASD.
Luckily her younger sister keeps her quite occupied which takes the pressure off but she is still a demanding high needs personality and her behaviour can be challenging at times.
What is your daughter like at school?

Mackerelfillets · 17/02/2025 10:19

This screams of ADHD. My daughter had many of these traits. She is 22 now and recently diagnosed. She masked at school. Girls are masters at it which is why sometimes girls are late to be assessed. Out of school she never stopped talking. Even now she launches into long conversation which is really just her talking through her day to decompress.

Spanglemum02 · 17/02/2025 10:25

ADHD and or asd would need to be ruled out. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD at 6 or 7 due to disruption she caused at school. Medication made a huge difference.

Phineyj · 17/02/2025 11:03

I thought you might be a bit like my mum @lentilbake16!

Some kids do "grow out of it" but especially with girls, what that tends to mean is heavy masking to fit in and often by the time they're year 7 or 8 (or if they get through KS3 then year 10 or 11) they just can't do it any more. My sister's differences only really started to impact her once she had children. My friend's son only got diagnosed in his 20s (it explains a LOT she says).

I think the thing to bear in mind right now is there is little money or flexibility in the education system (and cost of living means EBSA can be a financial disaster for the family) so the more a parent can find out and do to meet their child's needs earlier, the better in terms of avoiding more intractable problems that are much harder to solve with a teenager.

I would just like to add that teachers are definitely not experts. I got a single afternoon on SEN in my teacher training. I've learnt an awful lot from parenting a SEN child that's helped me with teaching, but the other way round, not so much.

Even if a school does think there's a special need, what are they going to do? They are unlikely to be able to get any professional advice these days. If they even get round to asking...

Parents are crucial!

Phineyj · 17/02/2025 11:05

I mean I suppose it would be convenient if my DD (or my DH come to that, were a bit more "typical") but I love them as they are so...

Lavender14 · 17/02/2025 11:15

Op my immediate thought was also adhd. I think it's a bit of a cop out from the school when they're saying they notice nothing out of the ordinary when you're saying she can barely read at 7 because she can't concentrate- what are they placing her reading ability at?

Girls are much more likely to be diagnosed later than boys as they are better equipped to 'mask' ND qualities so it may be that she's pouring all her energies into fitting in at school but then is exhausted from that by the time she gets home so you get the full brunt of things. I would request another meeting with the school and list your concerns in writing and request they support an assessment particularly if it's affecting her education because she can't concentrate to read.

I would make sure you have a plan for every day, so you don't have to go through decision fatigue trying to decide how to fill your time with her. I would also set her up with activities where you'll be there in the room with her and can chat with her while you do something separate. I'd enrol her in sports clubs maybe like swimming or gymnastics where they're singular activities but will get her energy out in a healthy way and they're hobbies she can take forwards as she grows up. Tag team with your dh so you're both getting regular down time and get babysitting booked in where you can so you're getting time as a couple too outside of your home. When you've a child who needs that extra support the crucial thing is filling your own cup so you can give them the support they need. Noise cancelling headphones might be good too? Possibly for her as well, I find I can focus better on things when I've mine on so might be worth a try for her?

Fairyvocals · 17/02/2025 11:25

She sounds exactly like my DD, who has ADHD (among other diagnoses). Absolutely exhausting. We use Alexa timers, to help create little gaps between the demands.

Phineyj · 17/02/2025 11:27

That's why I suggested Reading Eggs. It will give you an approximate reading age. It was obvious to me as a teacher that DD's reading, writing and concentration skills in KS1 and KS2 were below average for her school, but it was helpful to have actual data.

Before secondary I paid for an educational psychology report including a full set of cognitive tests and she was average by then except in spelling.

Intervention does make a difference.

As DD dislikes reading (maybe an ADHD/ASD thing but she also has some eyesight issues) DH and I read to her lots, including lots of classic children's fiction with more challenging vocab and watched a lot of BBC series and discussed them, and as a result her vocabulary is pretty good.

There's lots you can do without costing too much.

The Ed psych report was a bit of a luxury really but the local authority one for EHCP was crap.

Phineyj · 17/02/2025 11:29

DD cracks me up with Alexa.

Alexa, do you love me?
Alexa do you have middle names?
Alexa, which countries are in Nato?
Alexa set a timer
Alexa cancel the timer
Alexa, when were you born?
Alexa make fart noises

😂