To be dreading the half term because of my daughter's neediness?

[Sacredhandbag]

Tbh not even just the half term, I dread weekends, especially in the winter.

My DD is 7. She is incredibly full on. She talks from the moment she wakes up to the moment she falls asleep. She never stops talking. Even on the rare occasion there's noone else in the room. You can't even cuddle up and watch a movie with her because she fidgits and talks and asks constantly never ending questions.
She wants attention ALL the time. She demands to be played with, in fact she doesn't even demand she just starts playing a game with me against my will. I'll be doing the washing up or something and she comes in and says, "we're playing catch now" and lobs a ball at me and then is like "mummy! You're supposed to catch it! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Why aren't you catching it?" Or she'll hand me a doll and tell me I'm the mum and she's the dad and then she'll demand I recite my lines. Doesn't matter if I'm the the middle of something else. If I am sat on the sofa, she will immediately jump on me and demand to be played with.
She also constantly complains. Because home is so tough I try to take her out which is hard when it's so cold and we have a limited budget. I also have an 11yo DS so finding things they both enjoy can be difficult. But when we're out, we will 9/10 come back all of us grumpy and exhausted because she will always find something to complain about and ruin the trip.
And she posseses ZERO patience which means she struggles to learn new things. She can barely read. We try and try to teach her new things to do to entertain her but if she can't get it right first time she throws a huge tantrum and cries and says she can't do anything. She won't keep trying she'll just cry

So AIBU to be at my wit's end with what to do with her this half term? It's not so bad when it's warmer because she plays out with neighbouring kids. But having her home is so hard. She's fun and has a great sense of humour and is incredibly loving but she is SUCH hard work.

Suggestions also welcome.

Yes I think quite a few of us on here recognise the behaviour.

It's tough as a parent because you feel like you're trying way harder than the other parents you know but to less effect.

OP, this is a book that helped me a lot:

amzn.eu/d/4xXyDJI

But your not a peadiatrician or a psychiatrist you've never met op daughter . Not every child needs labeling so it's important to try lots of different parenting techniques until something works or she's told differently from a qualified medical professional. Saying it sounds like adhd so no point in parenting her it won't work isn't helpful

🥱

I don't think anyone is saying that?

I found having a diagnosis was extremely helpful and validating for me as a parent (it's depressing to be trying super hard yet nothing works), gave me more idea of what approaches I should be looking at and also meant school took us seriously finally.

Parenting is all one has really - it's not like diagnosis comes with any particular support or advice in this country.

Which is why OP should take her daughter to the GP.

ADHD is a medical need, with medication options for treatment. If your child had Type I diabetes, you wouldn’t withhold insulin.

I suppose this type of challenge comes from having no extended family to help. Its a very intense and suffocating realtionship being with a demanding child 24/7

Keep going OP, try the timetable idea.

I don't think it helps anybody to diagnose on the basis that their child may be somewhat like the daughter of the OP.

Nobody knows.

Of course, no one can diagnose.

Those of us who've recognised the behaviour have merely pointed out that our similar kids were diagnosed later on.

Pretending your kid and your parenting challenges are just like those of others (if they're not typical) isn't particularly helpful to addressing them.

In OP's case she's got an "easier" older child so something to compare to.

I'm sure it must be awful to be the younger sibling perceived "difficult" though!

Pretending your kid and your parenting challenges are just like those of others (if they're not typical) isn't particularly helpful to addressing them

What is typical though I wonder? A 7 year old isnt a fully formed adult. Their brains are not fused, they are in a state of flux.

What would these sorts of dc do a few generations back when their dps had very little leisure time and were constantly doing chores.

They'd be out all day playing with their friends and not seen or heard from until tea time.

Yes true

God help you OP.
That sounds like absolute hell on earth.

I am old enough to recall this lifestyle and the odd kid at school who presented as " different".
In year 6 we had a notebook, the bottom half we wrote a few sentences, the top we did a picture. Then we did a few sums. The afternoon craft or netball. Then the teacher read a story.

Well I'm in my fifties and this was what we did in reception and year 1. By year 6 we had individual lessons in English, maths, science, humanities, French etc.

We did play out a lot but kids who were on the streets "all hours" were frowned upon (their families not the children).

From what I remember the "different" kids tended to disappear into special schools by about Y5. The "naughty" kids however were just hit and/or lived in detention.

Not entirely a system I remember fondly.

I'm surprised that that's what you did in Year 6.

That's the kind of thing I was doing in Year 1 or 2 at a push. By Year 6, we had separate classes for maths, science, art, English etc. and certainly no afternoons full of crafts or sports.

Right, but what I'm suggesting that OP tells her than mummy's taking X minutes, and within that time, unless there's an emergency or she'd injured, she's not allowed to come back or call. It is doable (I had a parent who WFH quite a lot before it was common and I was quite used to being quiet during a long phone call or whatever, if I was told to, from three). It's just going to require a will of iron in the first week or so before the child gets used to the new house rules. It's like anything else - have the rule, introduce consequences for breaking the rule, and then (the crucial part), don't budge. Don't say "play quietly for half an hour now or you won't be allowed to watch TV later" or whatever and then give in on the TV thing. Even toddlers know the difference between an adult who makes empty threats and one who means what they say. There's nothing wrong with teaching a child this age that they can't be the centre of everybody's attention whenever they want to be, absolutely 24/7. They'll have to learn to wait for the teacher's attention at school and so on. It's a perfectly OK thing to do.

But it's your choice what you allow and what you don't, right? You could be stricter if you wanted to. If you don't want to - if that's not your chosen parenting style or whatever - that's obviously up to you, but you could. You mentioned in a previous post that your techniques when she's driving you crazy include "bribing, wheedling, threatening to move privileges" - nothing about actually removing privileges. Have you tried that one?

Again, if you don't want to be the "what I say goes" kind of parent, your choice. But it is a choice. You don't have to consider yourself "lucky" to get a few minutes' peace. You're in charge, and you don't have to let a small child rule the roost. It's not actually a matter of luck. Maybe you're able to tolerate the stress of this sort of thing better than the OP, and are happy to go on as you are. But it doesn't sound like she's the sort of person who can go on tolerating her dd's current behaviour, so she might have to become stricter. She doesn't sound very confident in the feeling that she can actually just say no clearly sometimes, and it's not actually child abuse. She seems to have a lot of guilt around it, and to be scared of taking control. But it really sounds like it needs to happen, before she loses her marbles.

I totally agree

They need training

My dm always said it's them or you and I think she had a point

How have you reacted to her demands when she was 2 or 3?

She doesnt sound like she is used to being told no, or there being consequences if she doesn't comply.

No chance. Dd would honestly try. She does care, when I'm clearly burnt out, she tries to give me a bit of peace. But for her, 5 minutes feels like hours.

Thats because she's used to you giving in and entertaining her. What consequences are you giving when she disturbs you when you've told her no?

Children are exactly like dogs. You have to train them from a young age a) not to do bad behaviours and b) to do good ones . Just like dogs if you miss the window to socialise these behaviours when they are younger, its 20 times harder to break them of bad habits.

When she jumps on me I tell her not to and if she does it more than once, I will put her in time out. It really hurts when a big seven year old launches themselves on top of you.

Thats why you teach them this stuff when they are 2. My 5 year knows not to even jump on me once and has known for some time now. There's no first chance, its straight to a consequence

My six year old is like this but her dad set her up in Minecraft recently and we enrolled her in keyboard lessons so now she has some hobbies that don’t I involve my input, thank Christ! I highly recommend gaming as a hobby, they get really focussed on that and will give you a good bit of peace!

@Porcuporpoise I went to a particularly undemanding village school. It'd not rose tinted glasses, it was pretty poor in many respects.
We were outside, unsupervised for very many hours.

What is it about OP's life that has her feeling so worn down? Its absolutely horrible.
I had a kid like that....mantra was Where are going/ What are we doing/ Who is coming.
Exhausting.