To be dreading the half term because of my daughter's neediness?

[Sacredhandbag]

Tbh not even just the half term, I dread weekends, especially in the winter.

My DD is 7. She is incredibly full on. She talks from the moment she wakes up to the moment she falls asleep. She never stops talking. Even on the rare occasion there's noone else in the room. You can't even cuddle up and watch a movie with her because she fidgits and talks and asks constantly never ending questions.
She wants attention ALL the time. She demands to be played with, in fact she doesn't even demand she just starts playing a game with me against my will. I'll be doing the washing up or something and she comes in and says, "we're playing catch now" and lobs a ball at me and then is like "mummy! You're supposed to catch it! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Why aren't you catching it?" Or she'll hand me a doll and tell me I'm the mum and she's the dad and then she'll demand I recite my lines. Doesn't matter if I'm the the middle of something else. If I am sat on the sofa, she will immediately jump on me and demand to be played with.
She also constantly complains. Because home is so tough I try to take her out which is hard when it's so cold and we have a limited budget. I also have an 11yo DS so finding things they both enjoy can be difficult. But when we're out, we will 9/10 come back all of us grumpy and exhausted because she will always find something to complain about and ruin the trip.
And she posseses ZERO patience which means she struggles to learn new things. She can barely read. We try and try to teach her new things to do to entertain her but if she can't get it right first time she throws a huge tantrum and cries and says she can't do anything. She won't keep trying she'll just cry

So AIBU to be at my wit's end with what to do with her this half term? It's not so bad when it's warmer because she plays out with neighbouring kids. But having her home is so hard. She's fun and has a great sense of humour and is incredibly loving but she is SUCH hard work.

Suggestions also welcome.

If she's bored and wants things to do tell her to go clean her room. She will soon dissappear and amuse herself

She sounds exactly like my autistic 6 year old (who is also waiting for an ADHD assessment).

My DS used to be full on - as soon as we got in bed want to start doing something - normally that involved me! What I found is he needed consistent boundaries.

@Sacredhandbag
It sounds like she could possibly be ND. ND girls can often ‘mask’ at school, so I wonder if that could be happening here?
The Witherslack Group are great at giving advice, running webinars, support packs etc for parents of children with possible ND/SEN. I’d recommend having a look at this: Recognising ADHD In Girls - Witherslack Group
If you think it’s relevant, you could even print it off and highlight any symptoms you think your daughter exhibits, make notes next to it etc and you could maybe show it to school as ‘evidence’ if needed.

You might also find this useful: ADHD in girls: The masked workers - Twinkl Digest Education News

Best wishes for managing half term!

Tell her to go away because you need some peace.

Because every ADHD kid will do this😂

I kinda doubt that tbh.

Give them screen time, whatever, just tell them you don't want to see their face for the next half-hour. 7 is old enough in most cases to understand that, just like they need time to decompress, you do too. If they don't respect that, put consequences in place. There are some children who may be physically unable to leave you alone, yes, but others will just have hurt feelings which they will get over when they realise Mummy is a person who needs a rest sometimes as well.

Do school see the inability to keep trying at a task if she doesn't get it straight away? Does she cry like that there? And you've said she can barely read - do they see her as behind in this? All these things could be evidence of something even if she is masking other behaviours in school.

Yes humans do love dopamine, well done. 👏
People with ADHD don’t produce enough dopamine, hence their constant need to search it out. HTH
At least educate yourself on a topic if you can’t control yourself enough not to comment.

But mine never realised this. She still doesn’t at 18. And sanctions don’t work.

Can you confirm what does happen at school then? Is she always talking there/ does she do her work? If she does then I think you'll have to lose your shit a bit with her. I guess I'm a bitch but this is a role-play of what I'd loudly say if one of my kids threw a ball at me in that way:

'How dare you throw a ball inside, and at me, when I'm working?! You find something to do until I have finished what I'm doing, and then you ask if I will play catch, not demand!'

If she rides rough-shod over you then that is because she knows she holds the power. You need to remind her that you are still in shaping her behaviour appropriately for society.

Yeah, my 12 year old still finds it extremely hard to be alone, to the point that one of us still sits in her room at night. She needs a lot of company and physical closeness.

On the plus side she's very sociable and great at making friends so as we've never restricted screens particularly, has a bunch of mates she can video call or parallel play games with. She's actually got quite good with peer relationships (all that Tracy Beaker and Malory Towers viewing?!) and I often find her counselling others, giving advice or dobbing in naughty boys who are swearing at each other (she was "digital leader" in year 6).

One does have to be very careful coming out of the shower though in case such socialising is taking place nearby 😂.

I suspect my daughter has ADHD though. School would never agree but girls tend to mask pretty well.

This is key! Girls do mask very well and not enough is known about girls and ND so many go undiagnosed.

My DDs school kept saying there is nothing wrong with our dd, but then they had an independent SENCO come in for a year and he said straight away dd was showing autistic traits, her behaviour at home was classic autism but she’s masking in school. He also said that even though the signs are there girls don’t necessarily present until they are older. Right now no intervention is needed based on what school have observed but he is certain she will start needed help as she navigates puberty and her teens.

Im not saying this is your DD op, but quite often girls are not as easy to diagnose.

I think the idea of finding an activity dd loves and takes her out of the house for long periods is good. What about football clubs, girls football, is massive around here. There is a girl in my DDs class who plays for several teams, her weekends are filled with games, competitions etc.. your dd sounds just like her she never stops, I regularly see her out running around her estate. Not suggesting your dd do that at 7;but you could maybe look at some kind of long distance running too so she’s always on the go just not at home.

Some of my friends started doing Park Run with their daughters around this age.

I mean for me that wouldn't work unless a tiger was chasing me, but I have spent hours and hours in pools with her and watching her go round and round pump tracks and up and down clip and climb.

Girls' soccer is a good idea. There are a lot of new opportunities there.

The whinging out of the house may be a lack of control/power. DD has PDA-type autism and needs to feel she has some agency in the activity. Although at 7 I could generally chivvy her into doing it, I couldn't force her to enjoy it obviously.

What's DD's relationship with her brother like?

Siblings Without Rivalry might be helpful. My friend has two close in age kids who clash (also older boy, younger girl) and says it's good.

@MonaLisaDoesntSmile can I ask what area you practise in as a GP?
I can assure you, on the CAMHS referral form for ASD/ADHD in my area, there is a question and a statement. “Have you enclosed the form completed by the child’s school? Referrals without a school report will not be processed.” Ifnthere isn’t a school report attached, CAMHS will literally not look at the referral. I have no idea what home schooled pupils do, but I can’t lie and pretend a child is home schooled when they aren’t.

I haven't read the whole thread so this may be irrelevant. But I'd highly recommend watching this lecture by Dr Russell Barclay, about parenting children with ADHD. Even if she doesn't have ADHD there is a lot in it that is so helpful in dealing with a high-intensity child.

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzBixSjmbc8eFl6UX5_wWGP8i0mAs-cvY&si=vwbQPCB3fQfUPdhN

Then she needs to go clean her room so she's also out the way either way op gets some peace. This is what i do with my kids when they're being annoying you either find yourself something to do or il find you things to do. It works everytime

www.treasuretrails.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAk8G9BhA0EiwAOQxmfjFmVSLTyLZLdtYA8LeH62dlZfggOEhnli1pYdUvonMffO0yqKHgIBoC9-sQAvD_BwE these or something like orienteering might be good and while I have no experience with the latter, the Treasure Trails encourage reading and looking for stuff.

I used to do loads of passive reading with DD.

"I just can't see that sign with these glasses. Which way is the cafe?"

"I'm going to get the stuff out of the fridge. How much butter does it say we need in the recipe?"

"Gosh, this writing is really small. What age are these for?"

All kids ND or not need to learn to be comfortable by themselves. I know so many adults who are in really abusive relationships because they can't be on there own.

Just to add a couple of bits…

Teach your monster to read is a great app that might help as it’s set out like a game.

I used to joke that my DD was ‘pre-caffeinated’ as she was also high energy and had a very intense need to be entertained. Actually I found by accident that a cup of tea really helped her calm down and focus.

I have suggested this to other friends who have children cut from the same cloth and it does appear to work.

Would school actually refuse to fill in a form though?

I mean, as a classroom teacher I've filled in loads of that kind of thing over the years and while I haven't always seen the behaviour, I've never actually refused - why would I?

The point is also that the forms are scored so even if the score is lower at school, it may still be suggestive of particular neurotypes even if it's much more marked at home.

You do have to be "that parent" with school. We're supposed to meet needs, not diagnoses, so it's more the child and parent that benefit from a diagnosis, especially when secondary transition approaches.

Just to advise you, OP, if your DD may end up needing a different type of school to the local secondary/secondaries then you would need to look into that from year 4, as EHCPs are taking years. Transition from year 6 to year 7 can be a real struggle for masking ND girls.

@GFBurger precaffeinated! I love it!

DD has woken up at 5.45am on the dot for her entire life pretty much. Once we were in a time zone 5 hours behind staying in a pitch black basement apartment. Yup, she sat up awake at 12.45. Fortunately it was a big city so I was able to find a 24 hour coffee bar (for me...)

She can spend time alone now.

She just needs very different parenting to many children.

DD might clean her room.

She and the neighbours' girl were playing nicely, DH said. Turns out they'd arranged about 100 soft toys into a disco in our bedroom with a "disco ball" (a lamp, quite a heavy one, blutaked upside down to the ceiling).

It's better to have eyes on with some kids, it really is.

Sorry for all these messages.

This is a lovely book you might read her. DD was v impressed with how naughty the younger sister was.

www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/my-naughty-little-sister-collection-book-dorothy-edwards-9781405268158?sku=GOR005424163&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAk8G9BhA0EiwAOQxmfjHo38ZiHbNFui3Dxpt2BsPZJKQfg3hSIW0-npb10JHigylxcIoSAhoCtLsQAvD_BwE

Two great contemporary book series for girls who are often in trouble for reasons they don't fully understand are "Daisy and the trouble with..." and Ivy and Bean (if you have Netflix, the adaptations of Ivy and Bean give an idea but the books are wonderful).