to be fed up with dh for not admitting that it's hard to be a sahm?

[PTA]

Long story short, went for a walk on Monday and fell hurting my ankle, went to A&E not broken just very badly sprained, stay off it for 48hrs and no driving.

DH had to take this week off to help with the boys or they were going to miss everything that the normally do. Tuesday ok as quiet day, he enjoyed Wednesday as he got to go to DS2 Downs group, yesterday was really hectic with mothers and toddlers for DH2 and gymnastics for DH1. We also had to enrol DS1 at school, do some shopping and there was and Open University information day that I was really keen to pop into. And then we went to see DH's grandparents.

You would think that he has been having to look after 200 and not two children!!! And I've been helping. He thinks he is hard done by and when I said "welcome to my world" he said that I had it easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could kill him. He just doesn't listen and when I pointed out that I do everything that he has been doing plus all the things like cooking and seeing to the washing that I've still been doing he said that I was used to it and while that's true it doesn't make it any easier.

He is away to do the two lots of swimming lessons this morning and you should have seen his face when I explained the timetable.

9.00 take DS1 to nursey

9.30 be in the pool with DS2

10.00 lesson ends, get DS2 washed and dressed and bring back to me

11.15 pick DS1 up

11.30 get DS1 to the pool for his lesson

And I fed DS2 for him, got out DS1 clothes and packed both the swimmingbags!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has also been let off lightly because the weather has been so good. DS1 was pottering about in the garden Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon and did not need amusing or want to got to the park, etc.

But what really, really gets to me is that, despite all this, he won't say, "Good job" or "I don't know how you do this" or anything nice about it. He genuinely thinks that I have it easy and that he has the tough job moving papers about his desk. And I know that he is finding it difficult to cope, so why can't he admit that it's not the easy option staying at home?

On the plus side, it has made me realise that I am going to have to be more careful and loose weight. I hate to think about how things would be if I was laid up for longer and while he was great when DS2 was born and for 9weeks in hospital, but I was always about and my family chipped in and helped.

I know part of it is down to my control freakery but would it really kill him to acknowledge that it is hard to be at home all day?

The reality of life for many women is that unfortunately childcare costs are so prohibitive that many women (and it usually is women) cannot afford to work even if they wanted to.

Ledodgy it's like that for us too. Any money that i would earn working would go straight to childcare and my dp already does 5am starts and 5-6pm finishes so i could either get a job in the day and spend it on childcare OR get an evening job and never see dp. It works better for us for me to stay at home. The assumption that what i do all day that is apprantly laughable is not only ignorant but also very judgemental.

I agree MS.

Fairymum exactly. Dh and I take that view as well. We are truly free of resentment toward seach other and neiher of us feel the other has an 'easy ride' because we do not have such a polarised life.

For some this polarisation of roles works well and at it's best I admit it is the most efficient option. However the potential for resentment from either partner is enormous.

To those mothers (mostly it seems of 3/4+ children) who find it so EASY perhaps you could take a moment to see that the very fact you have chosen to have so many children most likely puts you in the category of 'natural SAHM'.

Is it so difficult to understand that some of us are not like that?

I personally find it difficult to uinderstand the difference between hard and relentless and I also find small children hard work phisically.

Yet peversely on the occasions I've had to look after more than 2 young children at one time, I've found it easier than looking after one ds. That is because I don't pay so much attention and the childrn entertain (fight amongst) themselves and I just get on with stuff.

However I still find it 'hard' because doing stuff round the house bores me if I do it for more than a few weeks.

Well does one year's maternity leave at home allow me to make judegments about being a SAHM?

Arf at 'natural SAHM' My third was somewhat of a suprise I wouldn't say having him means that I am a natural sahm. I was however a natural historian somewhere in my long and distant past!

I think maternity leave is a given iyswim the reactions from outside and from partners are 'Oh you're on maternity leave, how are you enjoying it, when are you going back to work.' Compared to outside reactions when you are a sahm, 'oh you're a sahm when are you going to get a real job then'.

Lazycow why do you feel it's ok to make ANY judgements about sahms?

Personally i couldn't give a toss if a parent works, i don't buy into the whole sahm/wohm debate because everybodys circumstances are different and i certainly wouldn't judge a parent who has chosen to go to work and leave the kids in day care.

It's being made to feel that as a once considered intelligent worthwhile member of society you are now somewhat invisible with nothing interesting to say. It's that which takes alot of gtting used to.

I think some people find it harder to be SAHM, others find it harder to be WOHM. I find it hard when I am at home all day with ds, and I start to go a bit mad and long for an adult conversation, but it is getting better as he gets older. I'm just not particularly a "baby" person, and I find that stage of a child's life hard to get through - much prefer playing with children who are toddler age up.

I'm lucky though, as my job (actor) means I'm a WOHM half the time and SAHM half the time, so I never get too bored of either.

SAHP's work hard, face diverse pressures and do a valuable job.

WOHP's work hard, face diverse pressures and do a valuable job.

By God, I think I've cracked it! Let's all go to a (family friendly) pub and have a drink to celebrate. Hurrah!

Alot of people do though Annie even other mothers who work. I have got a friend who works 3 days a week she is able to do this because her mum has her youngest one day a week and I pick up her dd from school and have her until 5.15 pm 2 days a week so she can therefore afford 2 days childcare and still make a profit iyswim. Both her and her dp work for the civil service and they have very flexible family leave policy so one of them is able to stay off id the kids are sick. I love her to bits and she is my best friend but she still advises me to get a 'little job' so I don't get bored. In reality due to the fact I have no parents or much outside help and also dp's long hours can not happen atm.

When I say a judgement I meant a judgement as to what it was like for me not what it is like for other people. It was in response to an earlier post suggesting that you can't know what being a SAHM is like if you have only had maternity leave as it is not the same thing.

DADADA it will fall on deaf ears I wrote almost an identical post about 2 hours ago.

i dont think it is a job

none of the obvious aspects of a job apply to being a sahp

It is different. Meternity leave is NOT the same as being a sahm. On maternity leave, your attending to a newborn/young baby, healing yourself, getting to grips with being a mum/being a mum and having other children to deal with. You don't worry if the housework isn't done etc because your on maternity leave so your priority is the baby. Like Ledodgy said, you get gentle "when are you going back to work" comments.

Being a sahm full time is nothing like that for most. Then to top it off you get the "when are you going to get a job" comments too. If you want to be made to feel worthless, be a sahm. Your not made to feel worthless on maternity leave.

I don't think it is a job either and I actually think most SAHM wouldn't say that if they really thought about it.

The reason we say it is a job is because it is a way of living your life that is very undervalued in today's world and we want to think of a way of addressing that. I'm not sure treating it as a job would do that as it so clearly is not a job in the way that would normally be defined.

Parenting is not a 'job' it is just part and parcel of the human condition for the majority of people. Nannys and childminders are paid for what they do and most of them do not do it for love. Some of them may come to care for and even love their charges but that is not the same as doing it for love.

I dont think being a SAHM is a job either. Regardless of a nanny job or childminder being similar in looking after children, they are not their own children and they do it to earn a living.

As for whether or not being a SAHM is hard work depends on what the individual classes as hard.

I work far harder at work than I do at home, at home there are no deadlines (unless you count the school run lol), you can do tasks to suit and choose not to do them if they dont - whereas you cant do that with paid employment. I only work 3 days so have the best of both worlds.

DH appreciates that I keep the house tidy and I appreciate that he works hard and is the main breadwinner so that I dont have to work full time. However we dont need to tell each other as we know this already.

If it's not a job then what is it? Because it's certainly not a holiday...