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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with dh for not admitting that it's hard to be a sahm?

356 replies

PTA · 09/05/2008 11:04

Long story short, went for a walk on Monday and fell hurting my ankle, went to A&E not broken just very badly sprained, stay off it for 48hrs and no driving.

DH had to take this week off to help with the boys or they were going to miss everything that the normally do. Tuesday ok as quiet day, he enjoyed Wednesday as he got to go to DS2 Downs group, yesterday was really hectic with mothers and toddlers for DH2 and gymnastics for DH1. We also had to enrol DS1 at school, do some shopping and there was and Open University information day that I was really keen to pop into. And then we went to see DH's grandparents.

You would think that he has been having to look after 200 and not two children!!! And I've been helping. He thinks he is hard done by and when I said "welcome to my world" he said that I had it easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could kill him. He just doesn't listen and when I pointed out that I do everything that he has been doing plus all the things like cooking and seeing to the washing that I've still been doing he said that I was used to it and while that's true it doesn't make it any easier.

He is away to do the two lots of swimming lessons this morning and you should have seen his face when I explained the timetable.

9.00 take DS1 to nursey

9.30 be in the pool with DS2

10.00 lesson ends, get DS2 washed and dressed and bring back to me

11.15 pick DS1 up

11.30 get DS1 to the pool for his lesson

And I fed DS2 for him, got out DS1 clothes and packed both the swimmingbags!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has also been let off lightly because the weather has been so good. DS1 was pottering about in the garden Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon and did not need amusing or want to got to the park, etc.

But what really, really gets to me is that, despite all this, he won't say, "Good job" or "I don't know how you do this" or anything nice about it. He genuinely thinks that I have it easy and that he has the tough job moving papers about his desk. And I know that he is finding it difficult to cope, so why can't he admit that it's not the easy option staying at home?

On the plus side, it has made me realise that I am going to have to be more careful and loose weight. I hate to think about how things would be if I was laid up for longer and while he was great when DS2 was born and for 9weeks in hospital, but I was always about and my family chipped in and helped.

I know part of it is down to my control freakery but would it really kill him to acknowledge that it is hard to be at home all day?

OP posts:
micci25 · 09/05/2008 14:26

unquiet dad, i am not saying that working isnt hard what i am trying to say is that staying at home is hard too!!!

what happened to me last week when my house alarm was faulty is that i was up from 4:30am trying to find someone to fix it kids were up at usual time of 7:00am by which time i had migrane due to lack of sleep and noisy alarm. kids somehow managed to sleep through racket and were therefore wide eyed and bushy tailed and in the case of dd1 still wild and ferral like (she has a hyperactivity disorder)

alarm was fixed by 8:00am after much 'why cant you stop that noise mummy?' 'shall i bash it with my hammer mummy?' etc. dp phoned in work and switched his day off he got first shift of sleep i stayed up with kids despite the fact it was me trying to get alarm fixed and trailing the streets in the rain at 4:30am trying to get leccy for key meter as it was the lack of this that caused alarm to be faulty! he got up at 1:00pm i got to go to bed till 3:00 when i had to get up to pick dd1 up from nursery as dp cant do it with dd2! not sure why

obv nither of us were in the mood or had the energy for housework so that, like your work, just piled up for me to the next day!

do you see? they are both hard, working and staying at home but at work you get paid you get thanks from your colleuges and bosses. and if you sort out the filing cabinet when you come back after your coffee break it is very unlikely that you will find your workmates have strewn all your neatly oragnised files all over the floor

all us sahm mums want is some appreciation and recognition that what we do is not always easier than what working parents do

FairyMum · 09/05/2008 14:31

Sorry, but everytime a sahm writes down an example of her sahm schedule it makes me pmsl.
I just know I will be banned from this thread saying this, but so what? Its like some people have either had really easy
jobs when they worked or have just been at home for so long their lives have slowed down so much they can hardly cope with anything anymore. Like my sil who is a sahm for 2 children and find it stressful just getting up from her chair.

MadamePlatypus · 09/05/2008 14:38

Looking at a SAHM's schedule and saying that its easy is a bit like looking at the prime minister's schedule and saying it looks easy because he went out for alot of meals. [No comments about present incumbent please). Its not about what you do, its about who you are doing it with.

anniemac · 09/05/2008 14:39

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PosieParker · 09/05/2008 14:40

FairyMum, why would you be banned from a thread for being insensitive and bitchy? An itinery is not a true reflection of what anyone's day entails.

Ledodgy · 09/05/2008 14:41

Lets face it working full time with children can be hard as hell often with little to show for it, being a sahp to children full time can be hard as hell often with little to show for it. Being a parent full stop can be hard as hell but very much worth it.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 14:41

itinerary

MsSparkle · 09/05/2008 14:41

I think it's a "grass is greener on the other side moment" when people who work laugh at what SAHMs do. I think until you have been a SAHM for a while then you really aren't in any place to judge.

conniedescending · 09/05/2008 14:42

I do agree Fairymum...my sahm schedule is busy but 'load dishwasher' followed by 'play on floor with DS6mths' is hardly taxing.

I must go though to collect from school. I have to get kids in the pushchair and walk down. Oh the stress........

MadamePlatypus · 09/05/2008 14:42

I do actually think that you should be able to turn to your partner for reinforcement and appreciation. As I said before, otherwise why be in a relationship?

Quattrocento · 09/05/2008 14:43
MsSparkle · 09/05/2008 14:45

When i was working full time, looking back it was a piece of piss compared with my life now. I am way more tired now than i ever was working, but then that's just me of coarse.

MsSparkle · 09/05/2008 14:47

Actually i think it's because when i was working, i only had to think for one (me) where as now i constantly have to think for two (me and 18mth old dd) I miss thinking for one person.

anniemac · 09/05/2008 14:47

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anniemac · 09/05/2008 14:50

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Quattrocento · 09/05/2008 14:51

Ms Sparkle

You are comparing being a working non-parent with being a sahm

Why not try comparing being a working parent with being a sahm

That's the genuine comparison between the OP and her DH

MrsTittleMouse · 09/05/2008 14:51

I know that we all don't do it all for the praise, but it's nice to be appreciated by your partner. That's what the relationship is all about, isn't it?

And a lot of SAHM-hood is done while either pregnant (not wishing to drag up the other thread, but PG is not a great physical state for a lot of us) or with a newborn (who might well not sleep).

MsSparkle · 09/05/2008 14:52

anniemac that is so true. It's usually my dp who thinks he is the only one who has "stress" and "tiredness" just because he's been at work all day. He forgets that he can come home and sit down to a nice meal that's been prepered for him, he can then retire to the sofa to watch tv while i was up, clean up the kitchen/table, do whatever else needs doing, put dd to bed etc. I might sit down by 8pm if i'm lucky having been running around after dd all day. Then i get no thanks at all because there is this myth that SAHMs sit at home drinking tea all day!

Iota · 09/05/2008 14:53

my day today:

took the kids to school

went to the garden centre for some pots and compost

had a coffee with a friend

had lunch with mumsnet

planted out my veg in the pots

vacuumed

had a cup of tea with mumsnet

am about to get the kids from school

I love being a SAHM

MrsTittleMouse · 09/05/2008 14:55

Interesting point. But surely if one partner stays at home, then the SAHM (or SAHD) does take a lot of the pressure off the working partner. Because if the child is sick, they don't have to worry about taking time off, they don't have to worry about a childminder being on holiday, or the nanny being ill, or whatever. Which are all things that WOH parents have to think about.

PosieParker · 09/05/2008 14:55

Quattro, that's rubbish, I would imagine the OP takes care of most domestic tasks and so her dh has a different role than say a lone parent. You may say a working parent with a SAHP has the best of both worlds, gets to work and know that his/her children are looked after by someone who loves them.

FairyMum · 09/05/2008 14:59

haven't all wohms been sahms? we have been on mat leave haven't we? i am currently on mat leave with number 4. oh, and we do spend holidays and weekends and evenings after work with our children (and sometimes nights) so I think we all have an idea what being a sahm is like. I won't enter into a contest of what is hardest or who should be appreciated the most. It strikes me that it is mostly sahms who write posts about not feeling appreciated by their partners and I think maybe often its true. I certainly work with a few men who are resentful about being the main breadwinner and would like to spend more time with their children. My conclusion when I read threads like this is always that I am glad me and DH don't live such polarised lives. We both work and we both share the childcare. I am doing 6 months mat leave and then DH will do the next 6 months. To ease our latest mini-me into nursery-life he will be the one working from home 3 days a week once his paternity leave ends. I think its a mistake FOR MANY to create such "divisions of labour" in their marriage.

Ledodgy · 09/05/2008 15:04

It's good that you can have such an 'un-polarised' life fairymum and that you and your DH has the option to work at home for 3 days a week. It's not that easy for alot of people, my dp works an hour and a half commute away there and back. He has to leave at 6.am to avoid the traffic and doesn't get home until 6pm at the earliest often later due to traffic. Any job I get would have to work round this otherwise we'd end up paying more for childcare than I would be earning. My ds2 was born In January dp was only entitles to the standard 2 weeks paternity pay of £112 so of course had to use 2 weeks holiday instead or he would lose out financially. Life isn't always so simple.

MrsTittleMouse · 09/05/2008 15:10

For many of us, it isn't practical to go back to work. So we're not just SAHM for our own benefit, it's for the benefit of the whole family.
And the point isn't that I think that WOHM have it easy, just that in a healthy relationship that it's nice to be appreciated for what you do. What's wrong with that?

MsSparkle · 09/05/2008 15:18

Quattrocento, i wasn't comparing anybody. I was saying that when i was at work, the tasks i did then were a piece of piss compared to the tasks i do now. Then again everyone is different and does different jobs so that's why i said when i was at work etc.

Fairy, Maternity leave is NOT like being a sahm imo. You cannot judge sahms unless you have been one for a few months. Spending evenings and weekends with your kids is not the same as being with them full time (not meaning that in a judgemental way.)

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