to be fed up with dh for not admitting that it's hard to be a sahm?

[PTA]

Long story short, went for a walk on Monday and fell hurting my ankle, went to A&E not broken just very badly sprained, stay off it for 48hrs and no driving.

DH had to take this week off to help with the boys or they were going to miss everything that the normally do. Tuesday ok as quiet day, he enjoyed Wednesday as he got to go to DS2 Downs group, yesterday was really hectic with mothers and toddlers for DH2 and gymnastics for DH1. We also had to enrol DS1 at school, do some shopping and there was and Open University information day that I was really keen to pop into. And then we went to see DH's grandparents.

You would think that he has been having to look after 200 and not two children!!! And I've been helping. He thinks he is hard done by and when I said "welcome to my world" he said that I had it easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could kill him. He just doesn't listen and when I pointed out that I do everything that he has been doing plus all the things like cooking and seeing to the washing that I've still been doing he said that I was used to it and while that's true it doesn't make it any easier.

He is away to do the two lots of swimming lessons this morning and you should have seen his face when I explained the timetable.

9.00 take DS1 to nursey

9.30 be in the pool with DS2

10.00 lesson ends, get DS2 washed and dressed and bring back to me

11.15 pick DS1 up

11.30 get DS1 to the pool for his lesson

And I fed DS2 for him, got out DS1 clothes and packed both the swimmingbags!!!!!!!!!!!!

He has also been let off lightly because the weather has been so good. DS1 was pottering about in the garden Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon and did not need amusing or want to got to the park, etc.

But what really, really gets to me is that, despite all this, he won't say, "Good job" or "I don't know how you do this" or anything nice about it. He genuinely thinks that I have it easy and that he has the tough job moving papers about his desk. And I know that he is finding it difficult to cope, so why can't he admit that it's not the easy option staying at home?

On the plus side, it has made me realise that I am going to have to be more careful and loose weight. I hate to think about how things would be if I was laid up for longer and while he was great when DS2 was born and for 9weeks in hospital, but I was always about and my family chipped in and helped.

I know part of it is down to my control freakery but would it really kill him to acknowledge that it is hard to be at home all day?

omg i have been a secondary teacher and a sahm with three under 5s and the former was inexpressablky more stressful and time consuming and never ending than sahm

tho i was young and inexperienced

I didn't mind her complaining about being unappreciated. We all need that. I found it a bit sad the she wanted her DH to admit that she had a 'hard' job. Which I found odd. As if he should feel sorry for her. That isn't appreciation that is martyrdom.

Everyone deserves to be appreciated but I think claiming her DH's job was little more than paper pushing goes to show she isn't exactly appreciative of his eitehr which is why peopel made the comparisons between SAHP/WOHP.

Appreciation is two-fold.

I say again, you meet all types on MN.

I don't think that the hard parts of parenting can be sorted out with scheduling and organising, and I don't think that parenting is harder or easier depending on how many small bodies you have to marshall around. The idea that spending a day with a child or even in the office is just a list of items on a to do list and who ticks most wins is very odd to me. But I suppose its enlightening to find out that other people think this way.

Not sure..if my DH says I have a hard job he means I am doing well for managing to do such a hard job, which is appreciation, I suppose?...

I can only think that those who truly find it easy to stay at home are not very good at it or are a little stupid. Of course it's tough not to have an adult conversation, to sing twenty rounds of Old Macdonald, endlessly pick up toys, clothes, entertain a young and demanding mind, to feel guilt if they don't develop as quickly as their peers or worry if you stimulate them enough if they're really bright, to feel every thing they do or do not do is down to you, to be non stop (except if your DD1 sleeps for over two hours like mine has today ) all day and then get food all over the floor and drenched during bath, to negociate why they can't watch TV, play with knives, pull open all drawers..... and then not so hard because they're your children and it's all worth it!!

also sahms who never sit down

work towards a routine in the day

of some basic kind it does make life easier
not talking regimented babies just a bit of a pattern

otherwise it does get never ending

and this going to the toilet business...is that really a major thing

i have clearly forgotten lol

actually i dont think i found it an issue

i think, as someone said earlier, the issue here is lack of appreciation (sorry if that's stating the obvious).

IMO there are days when being a SAHM is very very hard work, like if you're sick or kids are sick or you're in the late stages of pregnancy but not on maternity leave...there are also days when it's so easy and lazy and lovely like when the sun shines for days and you can sit in the garden sipping iced drinks and watching children playing beautifully and being adorable.

PTA, can you have a chat with your dh about not feeling valued?

herecome: Sure they "need to be fed/clean/happy/well behaved etc", but if you have a hungry/mucky/sulky/mardy child one day - and everyone will have one of the above at some point - nobody's going to be calling for your head for it! Still less docking your pay!!

bumperlicious: absolutely, everyone has probably worked at some point but some people haven't for a while and do forget what the pressures are like.

micci25: a lot of jobs don't have promotions, you know, and freelance work 9as I do) has no pay unless I actually go out there and get it.
"you have a broken ankle, severe migraine, sickness bug etc you get to phone in sick and a stand in will take your place" - again, not necessarily. What happened to me in an office job (Project Manager) was that nobody else could do it, so the work piled up and was there for me when i got back in. If there was an urgent meeting one of the admin team could deputise but they wouldn't really have been able to do anything but report back.

VictorianSqualor - you are so right. in fact this thread has made me feel rather guilty, as my DH is always very appreciative of me and always says I do a hard job well, he even calls me supermummy..but I probably take him for granted a bit too much. Time to bring him a cold beer later and tell him he rocks mightily I think

As should the DH of the OP ..maybe not beer unless she likes it though!

once you have teenagers you truly learn what it is like to be unappreciated i think

UnquietDad - yes, work is hard too and for coping with it you rock

Less arguing and more appreciating needed on this thread I feel

or a grandma/unpaid childminder lol

its neverending

But her DH has taken the week off to look after the kids? So she is having a break isn't she? I think men just do things a bit differently when they look after the children to women. They are not as good as juggling perhaps, but I think sometimes better at relaxing with their kids without trying to multi-task all the time?

"I can only think that those who truly find it easy to stay at home are not very good at it or are a little stupid."

pmsl at this comment from someone who stays home AND has a cleaner AND a husband who brings home a huge salary for all to enjoy! I think if you find it tough in those circumstances then you must truly be deranged.

I'm a SAHM, I don't really have much choice as DH often works away Monday to Friday.

Being a SAHM has it's good points and it's bad points. Yes it is very monotinous, same old every day stuff, but I want to at home for the little ones atm so I can't complain.

DH works very hard in a stressful job and I do think he feels I have it easier than him, but thats because he'd like to be at home more than he is. I know (and I'm sure he does) that he would find it difficult to do all of the stuff I do at home. He would be fab when it came to sorting the boys out, but other stuff wouldn't get done. But hey, I'm more concerned that the boys are well cared for than the state of the house.

He had to look after them for 5 days this time last year as my dad was seriously ill in hospital and I must admit that when I came home and saw the state of the house I cried. But I soon sorted myself out and knew he had cared for the children.

I do have to 'find' the childrens stuff for him regularly, but I knwo where it is.

I guess I am saying that yes I find it tough at times, especially as I am here alone most of the time, but I do appreciate DH working so hard and so can't grumble at him. If he could he would be here more.

At weekends I try to forget about having a lovely tidy home and think about Monday morning when I can sort it all out again. Saves arguements!

Ok I am rambling now and I don't really know what about any more Must be SAHM brain!

Just told my DH I appreciate him, so some good has come of this thread, I hope the OP manages to work it out with her DH too.

~gone to do some debatedly difficult childcare as DD has woken up~

Connie, did you read till the end?? I did say that I thought that it was all worth it and perhaps not so hard. I think on one hand it is hard, ie not easy, but not hard because it's worthwhile.
Although I did consider taking out the first sentence and thought my last sentence meant I could leave it in.

Big hugs for PTA((((((((((())))))))))))

I know to a degree where you are coming from. My partner is a great dad but although I'm sure he knows its not easy being a SAHM he would struggle to admit it.

Some days I find being a SAHM easy and enjoyable and some days I find it a nightmare. It depends on the moods of the kids and how your day is going. On the nightmare days I admit to clock watching and thinking not long before bedtime now..thank god!.

I know I've had it quite easy compared to most. Neither child have had colic, neither is particularly clingy, both are generally quite easily entertained. I appreciate that some children not through a fault of their own are bound to be more difficult to luck after than others. I don't know anything about Downs PTA but I'm sure as lovely as your son is its not always going to be easy caring for him and completely admire you for wanting to stay at home and care for him yourself until your sure he's ready.

Also the number of children and the age difference between them is bound to have an impact on how hard it is far one stay at home to another. I had my children close together, I knew it would be hard work but was prepared to put up with this in the hope that the close age may mean they become closer. I think those of you that have been unsympathetic are being really harsh. Just because your a stay at mum you don't necessarily know what its like to have a day in the life as PTA.

P.S. I also run around like a headless chicken going from one kids activity to the next. I do this cause I know my kids enjoy it and I think it helps their social skills. I don't expect a medal but it is nice to be appreciated is'nt. I appreciate Dp is a good daddy and always tell my kids what a great dad they have.

I know that DH does feel the pressure of being the sole breadwinner. The money that he brings in is all the money that we have, and there are times when that does get to him.

On the other hand, I found being a SAHM difficult at first, not because the actual work is difficult, or because I don't like being with DD, but just because DH still gets the good parts of work too. He's in a job that he likes, he gets annual performance reviews, he gets positive feedback from his boss (which he deserves) and he gets money. And when he has finished a project, he gets to present the work, or put it to bed as something that he has finished. So there is a lot of positive feedback. And those are things that I missed at first. I will never be finished being a Mum, and there is certainly no positive feedback from a screaming baby! So when DH commented negatively about the housework it was difficult, because the home and DD were my only work and it was difficult not to take it very personally.

We have now settled down to a good situation, where he realises my need for positive feedback. DD is getting a bit bigger and will come to me for a hug, which is very positive. And because I was in the same field, he can moan to me about work on his odd bad day, and I can really understand.

ps Hope your ankle is getting better

I think the hard bit is felling my brain turn to pulp!! Although I'm too damn stupid to realise!!